the most honest man I've ever known

When I was a senior in college I went to group therapy. All of us were learning to share with our group, but one member was the most honest, the most forthcoming, the most eager to improve. He wanted so badly to be rid of his pain, to understand it, and difficult as it was, to share it, to put it into words.

A homosexual at BYU, he had his share of challenges. And faced with explanations in the media, and religious views, as well as social pressures at BYU, he must have been totally overwhelmed. He must have felt that he had to have a way to explain it to himself. Sometimes he did, he would give different situations from his past that he believed contributed to being a homosexual. His father never played sports with him and he longed for that. He was kind of a preppy boy, not athletic, but he still longed for that closeness with his father.

A small thing he said one day revealed to me his true character—that he was the most honest person I’d ever known. Honest to the point of his own shame and pain, but so earnest that he was willing to dig in repeatedly. The group was sort of monitored by 2 professional psychologists. They attended the meetings, and sort of helped steer them, although they gave little direction and preferred to let us manage the flow. One day halfway through the meeting when my friend was sharing some of his pain about his situation, he said that it made him nervous when one of the therapists sat by him in the circle. Because the therapist was a well-dressed man, attractive, and classy. I couldn’t believe that he would reveal this, even while the therapist was sitting right next to him. But he was so intent on overcoming his feelings of shame, that he would test what he could talk about all of the time. He then expressed that he hoped it didn’t make the therapist uncomfortable, but that he had to say that it made him nervous, even though he wasn’t attracted to him, he recognized the nervousness in himself because he might be attracted to that type of man.

He was the one member who made me feel completely helpless. I couldn’t relate, I could empathize with his pain from growing up, and with the plight of social attitudes, etc. but that was all I could offer. I wanted to love him, and yet, I feared that that reaction was sort of biased, sort of heterosexually rooted, and that I was indirectly, subconsciously judging him, imposing my way of life and love onto another person’s without wanting to. Like maybe I didn’t understand him at all if my reaction was still to want to love him my way.

I think about him all the time, he reminds me how important it is to constantly seek to move to a higher level of connection and communication with others—and also to live, to do that through living true to yourself—as true as one can be to oneself.

Mango perfume oil

Last night, while packing for our camping trip this weekend, I found my mango perfume oil. It was in a side pocket of Tyler’s big army duffle bag. Silly as it sounds to bring perfume camping, I like bringing the oil because it lasts longer and seems more natural. I’d been looking for it and thought it was in my camping bag, forgetting that sometimes we all pack our stuff into Tyler’s bag. I went to bed with the perfume on and could smell it this morning. I’m so happy to have found it, not that I don’t have others, but it just made me happy.

Where is the line?

Can she still call for your help?
Car trouble? Plumbing problems?
Can you still be a nice guy if you don’t help her?
Can I still be your number one if you do?
Can I feel like you are mine only if you are still the one she goes to?
How can I not feel like a second wife, a second-rate wife?
Why can I not feel like you want to protect me and take care of me, but she can expect that of you?

Will there ever be a line where her personal relationship with you ends?
When I’ll stop seeing her name and yours on the mail?
When neighbors will stop remembering it as yours and her house?
Where fellow church-goers will know you and me and not you and her?
When will I be the one your friends and family know you to be with more?
Will they remember you with me more?
When can I feel like you will take care of me?

baby bears

Today I went to see the baby bears they had at Cabelas. They're from Yellowstone's bear world and are soooo adorable. Just two months old, they don't have any teeth yet. I've been lucky to see a lot of bears, growing up in Montana our family took many trips to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park. Last May we saw some grizzlies from our car when we were in Glacier. It was Ty and Caiden's first time there and they lucked out seeing those grizzlies. We even bought some bear spray for our hikes because we went early in the season when the bears are just coming out of hibernation and are hungry.

These babies were the cutest ever though and when I heard that you could hold them, I couldn't resist.

Uninhibited roots

Today I toured the manufacturing site and laboratory for my new job. They make all of the supplements, extracts, etc. there. One of the botanists was explaining to us how they tested samples of the raw material to be sure they'd received the correct material and that it was unadulterated.

He talked about how herbs that are made from the root of the herb are stronger when taken only from the root. He said he can tell if the raw material he received was cut higher up and therefore has more chlorophyll compared to his standard for the herb. This led me to wonder if he can tell whether insects have impacted the plants, and how much, and if certain insects, or certain degrees of impact made the herb unusable for our purposes. To answer me, he explained that, as part of the natural environment, the impact of insects didn't matter much. This didn't surprise me (biology 101), but interestingly enough, he said that some herbs grown in controlled environments failed due to the lack of insects and climate challenges. It is the insects, the droughts, the floods, etc. that give herbs the elements that we're looking for and that makes them more potent. So as long as the root is cut right, it's best to be grown in an uninhibited environment.

It sounded as if the climate challenges and insects built up the plants defenses--gave them character. Doesn't it go to show then, that challenges make us more potent, give us character? I'd like to think that it's best to grow uninhibited so that we can reach our potential, even if that means facing challenges.

Amygdala dreams

The HB and I are learning all about our amygdalas in our class together. It's the lower part of your brain that releases the fight or flight impulse when you feel threatened. We're supposed to stop using that part and move up into our higher brains, but it seems that I just don't have one. Is this possible? Maybe my twin robbed me of mine when were in the womb. (give it up April). I'm sure I have one, it's just so hard to use it. I love our class and I'm glad to know that we're trying to make things better for us, but after each session I feel a little crumbled too, because it's so hard to make those changes.

So I think it's kind of funny that my dream last night was just one fight/flight incident after another, though it didn't start out that way. (Am I supposed to be practicing in my dreams?--that would be cool if I could get good at using my higher brain in my dreams).

First I was at Ty's parents house and I was with Alana and Krystal and I was trying to ask Alana about her recent trip to Hollywood. And then the conversation moved into the bathroom (not weird if you're a girl because we all keep talking as we get ready, do our hair, etc.) Krystal was wearing this old-school underwear with like a long skirt and a corset or something and she got in the bathtub with it on. I get the impression we're all talking.

Then I realized I had to take something to my parents house so I run over there (as if) and drop it off to my mom. My sister-in-law Jen is there and we talk. Then I realize I'll now have to walk all the way back to my house because I didn't drive there and it's a long ways, and I want to get there fast because I know Tyler has to be to work by 8:30.

So I'm running and I run by all these little shops (like on Broadway) and then turn to go south and it's some dark alley and some guy starts running after me and grabs me. By now I'm in some kind of field, the alley just behind me. I'm screaming and there are some people coming into the field from the alley, but I'm scared because it's a couple women and I'm afraid he won't be scared enough to let me go. I elbow him in the stomach and then hit him a few times and he falls unconscious. So then I'm kind of lost because it looks like I"m on a mountaintop and I tell another girl that I have to get home as fast as I can and I know I'm kind of close, but not sure. She brings me to the edge of the mountain and shows me where the exit is for 100 south (there isn't one). Then I know so I start down the mountain. It's steep, but nothing I can't do and I'm just getting behind big rocks my whole way down. But then I'm behind a big rock and I hear a noise on the other side and a huge grizzly bear comes around and sees me and I'm scared to death.

Then I heard Tyler's footsteps and realized it was all a dream. I read once that you always have bad dreams when you're stressed out because it helps relieve some of the stress. But I don't feel that relieved afterwards. I've been really tired lately and my head keeps aching. I'm a little nervous about my new job too--excited, but a little nervous.

Call of Booty

I renamed one of Caiden's video games. Lately, his habit is to call the games by their full name. For example, the game previously referred to as Ghost Recon, is actually Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter. So now, instead of saying he's going to play Star Wars, he's going to play "Star Wars Battlefront." One of his games is a military game called Call of Duty: Finest Hour. I couldn't help, but ask him the other day if he was going to go play "call of booty." Then I couldn't keep from laughing to myself that the full name would be: "call of booty: finest hour." It's my new favorite game.

I love how he makes me laugh. One of the best things about being a mom is finding little soldiers, pennies, rocks, and even flarp in the washer when I'm unloading it.

Last summer was another classic Caiden moment. Caiden and I went for a bike ride to get a slurpee for Caiden and one for Tyler who was working in the yard. He'd been working in the yard most of the day and it was very hot outside. We are going to surprise him with the slurpee. As we pull into the driveway we discussed how to surprise him. Caiden would go ahead while I stay back behind the car with the slurpee so Tyler can’t see it, then Caiden will tell him to shut his eyes. What happened though when we did it was this: Caiden goes ahead and tells Tyler to close his eyes. Then Caiden yells to me from the back yard to wait for him; he says: “Alene, don’t come out with the slurpees yet!” It was so funny.