I can't fight this feeling anymore

Okay okay, so I wish I was a more interesting person myself, but it can't be helped that I only want to blog about my kids now.

I was proud to make a dessert that Caiden thought was really cool. Straight out of Parenting magazine was the jello with gummie worms idea for a Halloween-type treat.

Here is Caiden and Bailey in Halloween costumes before we went on the Haunted Canyon train ride. She loves her big brother so much.

Then the other day I was making a cake and out loud lamented that the recipe didn't indicate if it was a 1 oz package of pudding mix to use or a 3.5 oz package of pudding mix. Caiden commented that cooking required math and then told a clearly made up story that went like this:

"Yeah, this girl was making a cake and the recipe just said 2 of something and so she put in 2 centimeters instead of 2 cups."

And I thought that was an awesome story.

And besides that Bailey and I went to our last East high game of the season last night. The sophomores don't have playoffs so only the Varsity will continue for another week or two depending on how they do. The night ended in tears, but not because I was sad it was ending. I love football season, I really do. I just get stressed out after a couple of months of it. I complained to Tyler how I was sick of driving everywhere by myself and sitting by myself to watch these games, which isn't always the case. Truthfully though I normally love to be able to do something by myself occasionally. I've been known to go to movies by myself, go on long hikes by myself, go out to eat myself, etc. It's just that I get tired of doing it all alone this time of year. It will be nice to have him around in the evenings again.

9009

Caiden had some friends over the other day and they were playing in the other room. Caiden came into the room where I was to show me what he had made. He proudly presented this paper saying "right now it's the number 9,009 but if I erase the comma then it's just nothing" (I guess he thinks it must have the comma).

Guessing what was coming next, I tried to be patient and to stifle my laugh. He said "But if you turn it upside down it says..." and he started laughing himself and couldn't say the word boob out loud.

Bailey's Blessing Day

Bailey looked absolutely beautiful. My mom made her blessing dress and we laid her on the baby blanket I got in Israel, made in Bethlehem. She was so soft and sweet as always, but it was as if she truly felt special in that dress (though her face suggests that she's just very curious about the camera).

Afterwards we had a get together at the house with our families who had come to celebrate her life as well. Since I've often spent Sundays outside the parameters of "keeping the Sabbath day holy" it's ironic that I was frustrated at just how un-ceremonial the day began to seem. I wanted to feel connected to everyone there and for it to truly be a day to ponder and discuss the potential that each life has. And because that didn't happen I felt a little disappointed, or maybe just kind of alone.

There are so many opportunities I want for Bailey and I guess I wanted the chance to show that better, or even more just to feel understood. Why do we so often say those things, but never talk about them specifically? Why do we practice religion, but rarely discuss why it does or should fulfill us or what parts of it do?

I am always craving more intimacy. I want so badly to understand others and be understood. I want all of my relationships to be ones where I am always growing closer and learning more about the other person. I hope I can be close to my children. I hope that they also find a kind of closeness with others that gives them an even stronger sense of identity, allowing them to find meaning in all of the things that they do.

Modern Kangaroos

Another great t-shirt found:

It says:
1 Drink Holder
2 Pen Loop
3 Joey Pouch
4 Additional Accessory Storage
5 MP3 Player Pocket
6 Phone/PDA Pocket
7 Key Hook

This one comes from Threadless

Israel 2000 scanned

I recently scanned my collection of photos from the semester I spent in Israel. It was something I've wanted to do for a long time. It turns out I've finished just about the same time that my experience there took a drastic turn 8 years ago.

It was right around the beginning of October that fighting broke out in the Old City at the Temple Mount. The Temple Mount has of course long been the source of great contention, but this was different, especially considering that it had been more peaceful there in recent years than ever before. Shortly after it began, we got on a bus for our scheduled field trip to Jordan.

From that point on our semester itinerary would change at any moment's notice. We rearranged field trips and had an extended stay at a kibbutz and resort at the Sea of Galilee. For one week we were not allowed to leave the Jerusalem Center building at all. Eventually, we came home one month earlier than planned. It cut short our classes and I never made it to the pyramids of Egypt, but I will never forget many of the things I learned as well as just what it felt like to be there (and I can still recite the Muslim Call to Prayer since I heard it 5 times a day). I can't wait to take my family there someday.

I lost most of the emails I sent from there and a few years later I lost the set of scriptures I had taken there and marked up with copious notes. I've cried over those losses plenty of times, but am grateful I have all of these pictures. And I would never trade that semester over any other more peaceful time in Israel. That's why I love the Bible so much anyway, it's full of passion and war so why not have my experience there be like that too?

Here is a link to my collection on flickr. Middle East photo collection
In the photo at Petra I'm in the middle in red. (Some of you may only know me with dark hair or light hair).

Bailey loves football

Especially East High football. She sometimes sleeps through it, but at the Varsity game last night she was wide awake and anxious to show everyone around her the cute little skirt on her red pants. She loved staring at the stadium lights above us and just bounced on my lap for a good portion of the game.

Nectarines

I feel a little uninspired lately. Part of me is resisting this mold that I think others are expecting me to now fulfill as a mother. Or perhaps it's self-imposed. I want to be a wonderful mother. I just am not sure I'm ready to give in to having a total mom-blog. Nor does being a mother mean I no longer have the dreams I had before. I'm perfectly content to just stare at my baby all day long, to read to her, make her smile, kiss her, take her picture, and hope that she's happy. But I fear that my dreams of living an unordinary life, one of adventure, will seem muted and consequently ignored if I show any sign of them letting up.

(Also, I believe people are defined by the things they actually do, not things they say they will. So I don't like that the person I like to think of myself as, seems to now only exist in short periods of time.)

So I actually got mad at Tyler the other day for not eating some nectarines I bought. Ridiculous, I know, but it came out of a fear that our children will be resistant to trying new things. Caiden won't eat a nectarine when I suggest it for a snack, and I think that if maybe he saw his dad do it, he would. But they're both in the habit of only eating bananas or apples for fruit and whenever I come home with something different, I alone will eat it. After the discussion, Tyler agreed to eat various fruits.

Besides some of those feelings of confusion, I have to share some just a few amusing things.

I met April for lunch at a new restaurant recently. She arrived a few minutes before me and had already gotten her meal. When I brought mine to sit down at the table with her, we discovered we had ordered the exact same thing, same salad, same sandwich.

Instead of playing chess with his Shrek chess set, Caiden now lines them up as football teams and practices his plays. Shrek, as you might guess, is the team's Center because he's the biggest.

Bailey is getting pudgier and more adorable all the time. So of course I had to include a picture of my buta-chan (little pig).