In Memory of Let's Reborn

In its final moments, a memorial of Let's Reborn:

I've given this blog a passionate 3+ years and just as it lived, would like to have it go out strong. Otherwise I fear it may completely dwindle down to entries so seldom they are only entered out of guilt of neglect. While I haven't necessarily minded its slow evolution into more and more of a mom-blog, I've decided that the large amount of previous personal entries may outweigh my efforts to change the blog's nature and for now I would rather put it to rest.

Let's Reborn began on August 4, 2006 reluctantly. I've never been very successful at keeping a journal, but I wanted to have my say too when when I saw the opportunities and benefits of social feedback and sounding boards in the lives of others.

So my goal was for it to be a place for sharing my outlook on life, thoughts, philosophies, and yes, adventures, though I did want to avoid the trap of only reporting events in my life. I wanted it to be a place where I could be myself. But even that had to be constantly compromised, both for audience consideration and for the feelings of others. I don't think I succeeded at being considerate enough though and am sure that I hurt others. My intentions were not malicious but were to ignite more social awareness and to encourage people to think about what they want in life and what they're doing about it.
Also, it seems that I am constantly in need of serious psychological help.

I was raised a Mormon and I consider myself a Mormon though a "less active" one. I believe that many of my readers are LDS as well. Unfortunately the Mormon culture has been very prominent in shaping what is appropriate and / or inappropriate to discuss in public and private arenas. Specifically I've struggled with the fact that while we preach the necessity of opposition in all things, the social consequences of discussing negative experiences and the emotions that accompany them makes it unthinkable. My own drive for shared honesty about life and relationships combined with my social naivete have become too much for this blog. I have no desire to only discuss and share negative thoughts and feelings, but I have no desire to pretend that they don't exist and can't be addressed.

I recognize that it was a mistake to use my blog to share personal information that sometimes put others in a bad light. I wish I could inspire more honest conversations without hurting others. I sometimes wish I didn't crave connection and intimacy so much.

I'm including a quote from a book I thought was pretty lousy, but has made me think about what kind of person I am: "Maybe this inflammation of the spirit is a gift that can only be received by those whose prayers ask for a daily hunger than for bread."--Theo Grutter, Dancing with Mosquitoes

Lastly, I'd like to refer anyone seeking family updates to the blogs that survive mine:
My family outdoor adventures blog and my husband's blog.

Perhaps the end of Let's Reborn may give birth to a more family-update type of blog for the benefit and ease of sharing photos and stories with my loved ones who are far away. We shall see.

Moab part 2

My trip to Moab for the race of course included a trip to Arches National Park. It was Bailey's second time there. My friend Aimee and her baby rode down with me to watch Bailey while I raced and hang out for the weekend. Tyler met us in Moab Sunday afternoon after the race to hang out for a bit before heading to Grand Junction for some work on Monday morning.

First stop was the easy Sand Dune arch. Bailey absolutely loved the sand. It was probably her first real time playing in fine fine sand like that.




Did a quick climb into Skyline arch.


The next morning we visited Double Arch and the short Park Ave hike.


It was the perfect time to be in Moab. I loved just taking Bailey for a little walk down main street and also she really enjoyed the pool at our hotel with the big lamps on outside at night and still pretty warm out.

The Other Half

Remember back in March when I ran the 5 mile run at Moab's half marathon? I admitted that I liked the payoff even though I've never considered myself a runner and I doubted that I'd do something much longer despite common cries that races are addictive. Well I'm about to eat my words right now.

Again, I signed up with my sister April, honestly because she got me excited for it--she would be a great coach or personal trainer. She gets you pumped about doing stuff you hate to do just because she has so much enthusiasm of her own and then even when you tell her you're not sure you can do it, she keeps believing in you like no one has ever believed in you before.

I signed up sometime in May I think, but didn't start my training til I had to according to a 12-week schedule, that put me starting in late July. I wanted to do the race, but I just hated the practicing.

That was until I was finally able to do 5 miles comfortably. Then I only hated the longer practice runs, each time psyching myself up for them and praying I wouldn't have to walk at all. But I really liked my 5.6 mile loop run once a week.

Before race day my longest run was 10 miles and I'd clocked just over 10 minute miles. My goal for the half marathon, the 13.1 miles, was 2:09. My final time was 1:58:48, which works out to be a 9:04 mile pace. I finished 4 minutes behind April and she was there to watch me come in. When I looked up and saw the time and there was only a 1 in the front, I was so excited I sprinted to the end.



Thanks April for believing in me and I've been on a high for a week now based on my finish time. I'm not sure I'd ever go for anything longer or that I want to start from ground zero again, so I'm going to keep up with the running, at least once a week. I almost wish I could do another half marathon in a week while I'm in the zone and practiced. But I'm going to stick with my offer from my last race post: For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing, I enjoy those activities much more and am better at them too.

Reunion

Dear son,

Your visit was the most wonderful gift I could have ever imagined. About six months ago when I wrote about getting in touch with the adopted family of my son it still didn't seem real that I would actually get to meet you. Again, I have to thank your wonderfully warm-hearted mother for being so loving and open and for bringing you with her for a visit all of the way from Alaska.



My heart pounded just seeing you and yet strangely, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even want to say anything at all, I just wanted to hear you really, to hear what your voice sounded like, and I was afraid that I would miss something if I moved when you spoke. Because of this, afterward I was a little worried that I didn't express my love enough. How could you really know how much I love you and how proud I am of what a fun and sweet and ambitious boy you have become? And what if I said too much and it was overwhelming or awkward to have such expressions coming from someone you have only ever heard about?

I didn't want to make you embarrassed, but I also wondered if you knew how much I would have poured and poured and poured out my love to you, but it would still have not made a good or very happy life for you had I not placed you for adoption at the time of your birth. Most importantly, I wondered if you ever knew how much your birth has defined the shape of my own life and my journey into adulthood?

My son, you have been a bigger influence on me than anyone in my life without ever even knowing it. I've always thought of you with such pride, and now that I've had the chance to meet you, I am convinced that you'll be able to do so much with your life and live it to the fullest!

I am so happy to know your mother and I can't say enough how grateful I am to her and her husband for giving you such a wonderful life full of family and friends and wonderful memories and experiences! I will be eternally grateful for her opening her heart to me as well. I never expected that I would have the chance to meet you, though it was something I had always hoped for.



I loved watching Bailey giving you kisses! I am sure you are a wonderful brother!

I love being a mom and with your visit, I again feel a renewed sense of purpose. Thank you! I can't wait to get to know you better over the years.