Caiden's scoreboard

Caiden keeps track of his wins and losses in a video game on this whiteboard. He just turned 7, he's in the first grade. It was so cute when he showed me that I just haven't been able to have him correct it yet.

dove evolution

I love this ad--the whole campaign is pretty good, or it has good intentions anyway

a perfect sonnet

This is a song by the band "bright eyes"--the singer and writer is Conor Oberst. Ty and I saw him last November--it was a really powerful show. I like this song a lot.

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence

But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost

But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance

But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

After Everything

We love each other. And I am stubborn. I am not going to leave him. If I say it out loud, where other people can hear and see, it definitely won't happen. That's because I take pride in doing what I say I'm going to do (or not doing what I say I'm not going to do).

I never thought leaving was an option, but I also hadn't anticipated things being so difficult. When leaving becomes an option because you feel it may be the only answer, you start to feel almost weak if you don't do it. Like leaving will result in some badge of honor, like "Hey, I'm a modern woman and I know what I want and I refuse to stay in a relationship that is less than that." But that's stupid, because the more rewarding thing to do is to stick with it.

I envy couples that get to start off clean. That get to start without exes and away from family and in a new place. I feel jealous of people that get to truly just be lovers for a while. I thought this fall would be better than last, I changed my job so I could have less hours and less stress and I also cut back on my school classes, but it didn't seem to help. I've run out of things that I think I can do to make things better and can't stop thinking that I just need some time away. For all of this I've felt discouraged and helpless lately, like nothing I can do matters.

But there is one strength that I have and that is determination. Tyler is the only man I ever dated that I wanted to see everyday, no matter what kind of day it was. The man that tells me he loves me even after I've shown him how pathetic and fragile and insecure I can be. That's the man I want to stay with.

"But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness"
from Bright Eyes song "A Perfect Sonnet"

gourmet grilled cheese

I made these sandwiches before Ty and Caiden and I went to Nightmare on 13th Thursday night. I really thought they were perfect, it's hard to go wrong with grilled cheese but this was really right, it was dark already and cold out and we were ready to go out. The grilled cheese had caramelized apples, brie and cheddar cheese on them. I also added a little brown sugar (I like it on all of my grilled cheese sandwiches). I can't wait to eat another one.

once we get to Tir Asleen

Remember the movie "Willow"? When Madmartigan feels gravely disappointed because Willow kept telling him that all they needed to do was get to Tir Asleen and there would be an army there to help them. Then they make it there and everyone has been turned to stone. Madmartigan bitterly imitates Willow saying "Everything will be alright when we get to Tir Asleen."

This is my greatest fear with finishing school--believe me I want to be done--but I'm afraid that my life won't be easier, or better, or happier just because I finished school. Before I started my MBA program I was equally busy, but much happier. Maybe because the things I was doing were more fulfilling and enjoyable. I lived in a house downtown Salt Lake City with 3 other girls and had a hyperactive social life. I took night classes--community ones for fun and got ready to start my MBA program. I loved my life as it was so as I dated, I only stayed in relationships that made me even happier and my life more meaningful. Hence the arrival of the HB whom I'm absolutely crazy about despite what you're about to read.

For anyone who has ever cracked open a relationship book--especially one geared towards those looking to get married or find their match--one of the first things they tell you is that others are attracted to people who are already fulfilled with their lives.

The HB and I were looking at books to make our marriage better the other day and I just happened to open one about finding your match that said that very thing--men are attracted to women that are happy without them.

It made me mad. I was mad because I knew that already and because I felt this bitter voice inside me say "of course, but then they marry you and you aren't able to do the things you used to anymore because of your combined schedules and so you don't have your own life anymore to feel confident and independent about and then they're upset when you wonder if they still love you even though you're not you anymore, and you also wonder because you don't love you anymore."

I felt guilty for even having that thought but I did. It's not his fault that I don't feel like I'm into the things I'm doing right now or that I wish I could be doing other things right now. I obviously don't have time for those fun community classes right now and with the closing of my gym I can't go to my yoga classes anymore and without girl roommates it's hard to fit in girl-time. So everyone and everything says to find joy in what you do have right now, or what you are doing. I like getting into football with Ty and I love being a stepmom. I just wish I could still feel like something was mine. Like some part of my life belonged to me. Does that sound ridiculous? Who am I to complain right? I just can't turn off my feelings and I can't stop trying to make sure I'm getting the most out of my life. I've always been determined to get everything I can from life--I learned that you have to fight for it because if you don't, it will never happen. But with that comes the knack for making things hard for myself, by trying to do so much or by being disappointed at an occassional lack of passion in life.

And I'm sure it puts strain on the HB when I'm not happy. I'm sorry I'm so difficult baby. I love you.

Vanilla

After camping at Joe's Valley Reservoir, Tyler and I had to reward Caiden and his cousins for jumping off the rock cliffs into the water as we had promised. If they jumped off a certain rock, they would get a milkshake, and they all did it. So we stopped at Little Acorn at the mouth of Spanish Fork canyon where you can get good milkshakes but the world's slowest service. Caiden ordered a vanilla shake. I couldn't believe it--who orders vanilla out of all the flavors? I like exotic flavors, if I"m going to binge on the calories, it might as well be worth it. If I buy ice cream I'm going to buy something with caramel and fudge and brownies, etc., not vanilla.

But when it comes to regular yogurt, the kind I eat for breakfast every morning, I honestly have to say that I think I like vanilla the best. The best mix is vanilla yogurt with grape nuts and some honey.

Mining snake skin

I went to see the Sundance Institute's new offices in Park City on Thursday. They recently moved from their downtown Salt Lake City office and I wondered if they were ready to have an open house, but I guess they had to do it before they were too busy getting everything ready for the festival.

When I got directions, I was told to go to the second gray building at the orange construction fence. What I saw when I first arrived were 2 tin-looking buildings, boxes basically, made of the corrugated metal that everyone uses for tool sheds. But it was very aged, faded into different shades of gray.

The buildings were old mining buildings from when Park City was first built for mining. They had been completely gutted and rebuilt inside, but used some of the old wood on the counter and door frames. Inside they were very modern in design.

I thought the juxtaposition of the aged and historic shell with the modern interior was beautiful, in concept and in execution. I love thinking about how things change and what really makes up identity of anyone or anything. If we change the outside does it change the inside? If we change the inside does it change the outside? What degree of change makes an old thing new? And I especially love the idea that everyone and everything leaves a story behind it.

I love Dave Eggers book "A heartbreaking work of staggering genius." In one part he talks about how people change and how they should or shouldn't feel about who they used to be. "These things, details, stories, whatever, are like the skin shed by snakes, who leave theirs for anyone to see. What does he care where it is, who sees it, this snake, and his skin? He leaves it where he molts. Hours, days, or months later, we come across a snake's long-shed skin and we know something of the snake, we know that it's of this approximate girth and that approximate length, but we know very little else. Do we know where the snake is now? What the snake is thinking now? No. By now the snake could be wearing fur; the snake could be selling pencils in Hanoi. The skin is no longer his, he wore it because it grew from him, but then it dried and slipped off and he and everyone could look at it."

Curve

Every once in a while in the mornings I will get home from the gym just moments after Tyler left for work. And every once in a while of those times I'll smell his cologne once I walk in the door, right there in the doorway will be his scent. It makes me wish I could crawl into bed and he would be there and we could stay there all day.

Monochromatic

the HB and I rewatched Jet Li's "Hero" tonight. I've always loved really colorful art, it's full, it's vivid, it's alive. I really love bright red because it seems the most expressive, the most alive, the color of blood. the Maya used to paint the inside of the sarcophagus' in red, to resember the inside of the womb. In the movie "Hero" most of the scenes are monochromatic and that is what makes them so powerful, so breathtaking. All the characters in each scene will be wearing the same color from top to bottom. The surroundings are often the same color as well.

A while back I saw a photo on the internet of the bedroom I want to have some day. I love platform beds and I want the bedroom to be very simple, with minimal furniture. I fell in love with this red bedroom--just with the idea of it being all different shades of one hue and the bed sort of set back a little to isolate it more. I have trouble sleeping and have heard you should make your bedroom very simple--only using it for activities you do on a bed. I'd almost rather have my dresser in another room too I think. Either way, the monochromatic idea is definitely one I'll use someday when the HB and I get settled.