After Everything

We love each other. And I am stubborn. I am not going to leave him. If I say it out loud, where other people can hear and see, it definitely won't happen. That's because I take pride in doing what I say I'm going to do (or not doing what I say I'm not going to do).

I never thought leaving was an option, but I also hadn't anticipated things being so difficult. When leaving becomes an option because you feel it may be the only answer, you start to feel almost weak if you don't do it. Like leaving will result in some badge of honor, like "Hey, I'm a modern woman and I know what I want and I refuse to stay in a relationship that is less than that." But that's stupid, because the more rewarding thing to do is to stick with it.

I envy couples that get to start off clean. That get to start without exes and away from family and in a new place. I feel jealous of people that get to truly just be lovers for a while. I thought this fall would be better than last, I changed my job so I could have less hours and less stress and I also cut back on my school classes, but it didn't seem to help. I've run out of things that I think I can do to make things better and can't stop thinking that I just need some time away. For all of this I've felt discouraged and helpless lately, like nothing I can do matters.

But there is one strength that I have and that is determination. Tyler is the only man I ever dated that I wanted to see everyday, no matter what kind of day it was. The man that tells me he loves me even after I've shown him how pathetic and fragile and insecure I can be. That's the man I want to stay with.

"But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness"
from Bright Eyes song "A Perfect Sonnet"