Thursday, October 12, 2006

once we get to Tir Asleen

Remember the movie "Willow"? When Madmartigan feels gravely disappointed because Willow kept telling him that all they needed to do was get to Tir Asleen and there would be an army there to help them. Then they make it there and everyone has been turned to stone. Madmartigan bitterly imitates Willow saying "Everything will be alright when we get to Tir Asleen."

This is my greatest fear with finishing school--believe me I want to be done--but I'm afraid that my life won't be easier, or better, or happier just because I finished school. Before I started my MBA program I was equally busy, but much happier. Maybe because the things I was doing were more fulfilling and enjoyable. I lived in a house downtown Salt Lake City with 3 other girls and had a hyperactive social life. I took night classes--community ones for fun and got ready to start my MBA program. I loved my life as it was so as I dated, I only stayed in relationships that made me even happier and my life more meaningful. Hence the arrival of the HB whom I'm absolutely crazy about despite what you're about to read.

For anyone who has ever cracked open a relationship book--especially one geared towards those looking to get married or find their match--one of the first things they tell you is that others are attracted to people who are already fulfilled with their lives.

The HB and I were looking at books to make our marriage better the other day and I just happened to open one about finding your match that said that very thing--men are attracted to women that are happy without them.

It made me mad. I was mad because I knew that already and because I felt this bitter voice inside me say "of course, but then they marry you and you aren't able to do the things you used to anymore because of your combined schedules and so you don't have your own life anymore to feel confident and independent about and then they're upset when you wonder if they still love you even though you're not you anymore, and you also wonder because you don't love you anymore."

I felt guilty for even having that thought but I did. It's not his fault that I don't feel like I'm into the things I'm doing right now or that I wish I could be doing other things right now. I obviously don't have time for those fun community classes right now and with the closing of my gym I can't go to my yoga classes anymore and without girl roommates it's hard to fit in girl-time. So everyone and everything says to find joy in what you do have right now, or what you are doing. I like getting into football with Ty and I love being a stepmom. I just wish I could still feel like something was mine. Like some part of my life belonged to me. Does that sound ridiculous? Who am I to complain right? I just can't turn off my feelings and I can't stop trying to make sure I'm getting the most out of my life. I've always been determined to get everything I can from life--I learned that you have to fight for it because if you don't, it will never happen. But with that comes the knack for making things hard for myself, by trying to do so much or by being disappointed at an occassional lack of passion in life.

And I'm sure it puts strain on the HB when I'm not happy. I'm sorry I'm so difficult baby. I love you.


Tyler said...

Baby, I love you.

amanda the great said...

i feel you. it's hard sometimes. how do you find balance?

amanda the great said...

i didn't mean "you", but how does any wife/mother find balance?