Friday, June 05, 2009

Wishing I was a Brother

Growing up my sister and I were often envious of our brothers' 50-mile hikes each summer. Since boyscouting was sanctioned by our church, we would eventually approach our Bishop and request that the young women be able to have their own 50-miler. Of course the hopeful words from him never actually came to fruition.

For just a moment here let me be the victim. Let me just say how unfair it all is and how my heart is breaking over it before you tell me how miniscule it is and how oversensitive I'm being. Let me say how I am not sure I'll get over it or when I'll stop crying every time I think about it before you tell me I shouldn't express negative feelings in a public place.

When you're growing up people tell you "life isn't fair" but no one ever says "life is a bitch," just like when you're getting marred people tell you "marriage is hard" but no one ever says "sometimes marriage is a world of pain."

In this case, I would say life is certainly a bitch. I pride myself on knowing what I want and working hard to get it. I'm attracted to people that are decisive and ambitious and I think that's because that's how I see myself or maybe it's just how I try to be. So when I've said over and over that I want to do something, but been denied the opportunity, it breaks my heart that the same person who would deny me would gladly give that opportunity to people who have never asked for it or even perhaps realized they wanted it before such an opportunity was presented to them. Am I less worthy? Am I less deserving?

Some may say "let him have time to himself" to which I would say "I do. I've encouraged numerous activities that wouldn't have even taken place if I hadn't suggested them as well as willingly sent him to others when I would have rather had him with me." I've stood by as he got invited to do something by others that I asked him to do and watched him go with them.

I'm not heart-broken that he's going on a technical canyonnering camping trip with his brothers and not with me, I'm heart-broken that when I ask to do something hard-core, when I'm bursting to try something new, to explore the unknown together, I get turned down and then suddenly, the trip is planned as a brothers-only occasion.

I love being a woman, but I sure wish I was somebody's brother.

1 comment:

H.A.M. Fam said...

Now your brother is so jealous of you and all the camping and hiking that you do!! We often talk about how cool it would be if we lived close to you guys and could join you on your outings. Truthfully it would scare me because I am such a wimp and out of shape!! :) (remember that in Boise next month)