the Spell of the Desert

Maybe it's because I'm reading "the Spell of the Sensuous" right now, or because I have a baby inside of me, that I feel even more in touch with the universe and therefore, with myself. It reminds me of reading Geertz, makes me feel more alive, and brings me back to that place where I can evaluate better how I see things. It seems like lately we hear a lot about our impact on nature, but there is still a lack of discussion about nature's impact on us. But having once lived outside of the ordinary, I don't believe you can ever return to life as it was before and be the same. So spending a weekend in the desert was just what I needed to feel rejuvenated and like I"m still myself even when I'm living a pretty ordinary life.

The great thing about this trip was that we hiked a ton! The thing is it feels so good to me to be exhausted, to deserve that warm campfire meal and to crash when I lay down. We estimated our hiking to be about 6 miles on both Friday and Saturday. It wasn't much more than what I usually get in at the gym in the morning, but of course all the climbing over rocks and elevation changes made it feel like quite the workout (not during, but afterwards), but I felt so strong afterwards from doing it, tired, but empowered. And being outside makes all the difference to me, makes me feel so much healthier.

Check out the HB's trip report here. I'm glad we were able to try some new things in the area too, there's nothing like having the whole canyon to yourselves!

Saturday night in the San Rafael Swell I dreamt that I killed a mountain lion. Only a few days earlier in the week last week I'd dreamt that I killed a lion. Pregnancy may just up the ante of crazy dreams, but they're not uncommon for me, especially that time of year that I start spending more time outside. I remember the summer I did my dig down by Escalante, each morning we'd tell our dreams around the water bucket, brushing our teeth. I welcome crazy dreams. In the mountain lion one, it was as if the mountain lion had a jaw like an alligators--only one side can shut so I was straddling the lion, holding the jaw open so it couldn't bite me and finally just cracked it back so far that it killed the animal. I'm not into killing animals or anything so I thought it was pretty interesting. Some info below about what that could mean, and in addition, I happen to be a Leo (born on the last day of that sign) and my baby girl will be one too!

LION/LIONESS - The power of our physical strength, of our temper, of our emotions or sexuality; love that has become anger through jealousy or pain; leadership; ones father or fatherhood, or mother if it is a lioness; an image of the father/mother God; leadership; watchfulness or guardianship; self assertion or boasting because of the power of the lions roar. The story of Androcles and the lion shows how the pain felt by our 'animal' life process, if tended by the conscious personality, brings a loving relationship between conscious and unconscious.

As an astrological sign, the lion is the sign of Leo, a 'Fixed' 'Fire' sign. In the dream of a person born with the sun in Leo, the lion may represent their basic character. It is said to be the heart of the Zodiac. In it all the activities of Aries have been concentrated and given purpose, permanence, passion and a certain nobility. It is the Royal Sign denoting Love, the Ruler of Life. Subjects of this sign are said to be proudly 'faithful' and scorn what is weak, small-minded, or mean. It is the sign of the Sun - the physical and also the Divine Sun. In terms of human evolution the sign of Leo represents rulership of the animal kingdom, to become a dominant creature, expressing the best of the instinctive and natural within human nature. Thus in The Witch and The Wardrobe, the greatest strength and unifying influence is the lion. But there is a step beyond this into independent awareness where one recognises oneself not only as the powerful and creative universal animal life, but as an individual human being as well.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Today I found out I was having a girl. Your dad and big brother came with me to find out if you were a boy or a girl. We had to wait for 1 hour and 15 minutes in the office and I was worried that Caiden was getting really bored. But he brought a piece of notepaper and I gave him a pen and he wrote down the possibilities: boy, girl, child, child+

Then we went in the room and the nurse started showing you to us on the big screen. Caiden wrote down what she said. Then when she told us you were a girl my eyes teared up and I was so excited. I had a lot of anxiety about having a girl because of my own relationship with my mother and because my mom told me that a girl would steal Tyler's heart away from me, but I always joked that the reason I was nervous about it was because no girl could be cuter than my brother's little girls. But all of the anxiety went away when she told me you were a girl. And then I was proud when she said you were stubborn and feisty--just like me! Every time she tried to get a shot of your feet you would move them out of the way.

We got to see all of the parts of your body--your face, your heart, each hand and foot. And then when the nurse was finished she gave us some pictures and a DVD. Your brother asked me what else he should write down so I told him to write who we needed to call.

I gave the pictures and DVD to your dad because he was going home and I had to go back to work and I didn't want the pictures to get crinkled or anything. Right after he left I sent him a text message on his phone because I was so jealous that he had the pictures with him. I told him not to look at them too much. And when I was back at work I imagined him looking at them over and over like I wanted to right then. But he told me he was playing catch with Caiden in the backyard and I was jealous then of that too.

I called your aunt April right away because she's my best friend in the whole world and she was so excited. And your dad sent a message to his whole family he was so excited!

I can't wait to meet you.

my Tummy Honey

It sounds yummy, or like a term of endearment, but it's this stuff you smear on your belly so your skin can maintain its moisture and elasticity.

I feel like I'm getting pretty round now and somehow, it makes me feel like I'm getting shorter too. I keep making the HB take my side-view pics to show it off, but he insists it's still hardly obvious. Nevertheless, here it is, and since he kept telling me to put my hand back, I thought, "why not grab my a@%"?

I must apologize for the glimpse of side-boob, or side-bra, as I didn't realize at the time the flash would go through my shirt.

Octopus cliff dream

A group of friends including Tyler and myself are all going camping. We park our cars on the top of a slickrock slope and walk down its steep side to where it flattens out a little to pitch our tents. Just beyond where we're camping, is a cliff that drops into a river. One of the girls in our group walks out to the cliff and jumps into the water, it looked so refreshing, but the current quickly grabs her and whisks her downriver, around the corner, where our view of the water is crowded by tree branches and the surrounding rocks on each side.... And somehow, we know that she's dead.

A while later, I'm exploring the campsite, trying to see as much as I can up-river, and I can just barely make out around the corner of the rock we're on, a sandy beach, and little creatures playfully getting in and out of the water, towels and umbrellas on the beach, etc.

This beach is just inaccessible by a bit of the rock cliff that curves convexly out as it turns the corner to the beach.

It's very dangerous to try to go around this because I could fall into the river that already killed the one girl, but I trust my free-hand climbing skills and edge my way around the rock. I can't quite make it all the way to where I can lower myself onto the beach, but I find something beneath me I can--giant octopus tentacles, like huge tree roots, protruding out of the sand. I get on one and proceed to climb over some remaining tentacles to make it to the "beach." I can now see that the octopus' giant head is sort of holding up that bit of rounded out cliff face while his tentacles are just reaching into the water.

I don't however, go to the beach, I turn to get back and tell my friends about it. As I went to use the octopus' tentacle again to boost myself onto the rock, I noticed some boxes I could use to stack up. But as soon as I would get them stacked to get back onto the rock cliff, the sand would sink and I couldn't reach. That was when I noticed some type of witch in the river who could not touch me but could keep pulling the sand out from under the boxes. But eventually, I got onto the rock face again, clinging with my fingers on a tiny lip. Then the face of the cliff would roll, and suddenly I was way up above my friends at the campsite. As I tried to slide down the steep face, going from tiny ridge to tiny ridge for security, the rock face would keep rolling and I was scared to death that I'd slide all of the way off the cliff and into the fast-moving section of the river that had already taken the life of one of my girlfriends.


I woke up at that point. It was an interesting dream. As is commonly the case, I'm having even more interesting dreams while pregnant. So I've looked up some of the creatures in my recent dreams and here are a few of the ideas, of course there were none for the cute little strange creatures I saw playing on the beach, but here are a few animals who have made appearances:

OCTOPUS emotional entanglement
OCTOPUS emotionally engrossed
OCTOPUS hands everywhere


SNAKE a problem or trap - uncomfortably fast moving situation
SNAKE something you cannot deal with - being drawn into a dispute
SNAKE twisting everything someone says - singling someone out - a complaint
SNAKE a difficult relationship - a bad atmosphere
SNAKE something bad that could strike at any time
SNAKE phallic symbol - sexual intercourse

Need me to make you a mix tape?

After 2 years of marriage I had to give in and start watching the HB's favorite TV show, LOST. Prior to that I'd been kind of a TV snob--but not in the sense you'd imagine. When I say TV snob I don't mean I was snobbish about what I watched, I was just snobbish about the fact that I didn't watch any. And I still think that's a pretty good thing. I never watched much TV growing up, and then later, part of the reason I didn't watch was just default. My first couple of years in college I didn't have a TV. Then I spent a semester abroad in Jerusalem--no TV, then a archaeology dig in Escalante--no TV, then after college several months in Japan, where I had--no TV. But since then I really prided myself on my lack of TV-watching. I was way more into movies and the outdoors. And besides, I rarely spent evenings at home, being in some community class or another or most likely, out on a date. So shortly after marriage when the new season began and I felt I'd already taken on every possible habit and hobby of Tyler's, I refused to add LOST to the list. I was so overwhelmed with trying to fit in football and his family and all of our problems into my schedule of full-time work and a master's program at night. But last year (season 3) I didn't have so many excuses and felt I was almost being selfish in rejecting his offer to share something more with me. And that's how I become just another one of those obsessed fans you meet every day.

Little does Tyler know, that he introduced me to my second love--Sawyer. Of course I can only love Sawyer because Tyler knows I love him first, so it's okay. And I can sort of justify it by drawing the connections between their big muscles and grizzly appearance. But Tyler knows I also love Sawyer for his witty comments, his penchant for good novels, and his willingness to break the rules. So here's something I found today that made me think of his wonderful line, "Need me to make you a mix tape?" It's the mix-tape pillow for all those whose music collection has superceded the cassette tape, but have still not found an equal token with which to express our love. Found here.