"...He explained why an honest buildling, like an honest man, had to be of one piece and one faith; what constituted the life source, the idea in any existing thing of creature, and why--if one smallest part committed treason to that idea--the thing of the creature was dead: and why the good, the high and the noble on earth was only that which kept its integrity."--from Ayn Rand's 'The Fountainhead'
I quote the above because I believe I have committed treason to my philosophy on life and hope that I haven't killed myself by doing so. It's funny I wouldn't consider myself a selfish person, but my ideal is that people go after the things that they want in life. I don't like all of the hypocrisy that exists among people that say they want to do things, but never make them happen. I moved on from all of my past relationships for that very reason.
In the past 3 years I've had to totally come to grips that I am now the hypocrite. That it's not possible to live your life the way you want to when you're married, which was a stunning realization given that I've defined myself by believing that people can do whatever they dream of doing and limitations are only in their mind. Of course I'd heard and knew somewhere that marriage was all about compromise, but had I really imagined its effect on me? Not only am I not fulfilling my dreams, I'm watching others do it, and still I have not been able to define myself in this new light. I fight it and fight it and fight it and fight that I love my husband so much. And in my head I'd be willing to give up my identity for one that is "ours" but it feels so much more like "his" that I'm not sure where I belong.
I express these things not to criticize marriage or my own, but as an honest question of how a person of integrity reconciles theirs in such a situation? And because I need to be honest with myself to fight against the lack of honest discussion.
I had a great teacher in the 5th grade who conducted Philosophy discussion once a month in the afternoon. I remember one discussion about what makes a person the person they are--does it matter how many times they've changed their name? their appearance? their religion? the distance from where they grew up? their association with or lack of association with the family they grew up with? their goals? their perspective on the purpose of life? etc.
Because I thought it was my way of life, of persistently going after the things I wanted, that made me me, but it is probably all of those things and surely I don't have to be dead now, even if I must commit treason to re-define myself. And as anxious as I am to be a mother, I must know where I stand in life aside from that.
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4 comments:
I don't think you've committed treason to that particular philosophy,and you are correct you are not a selfish person. I don't believe it is hypocrisy when someone says they want to do something but can't seem to make it happen. Many times that is simply putting others before their wants and desires. When we marry we should put our spouse before ourselves as should he/she. Marriage is about compromise, but it's also about reestablishing priorities, humbling ourselves and getting on with what is truly important in life. I believe you are fulfilling dreams you haven't had yet. I know that sounds crazy, but the older you become the more you'll understand why I wrote that. Don't envy others around you that may appear to be fulfilling their dreams, because I know you are fulfilling dreams that they have also. You are very special to our family and Ty is very fortunate to be your husband. You are a wonderful mother to Caiden, and have always been there for him. Don't sell yourself short. You are accomplishing more than you realize We love you very much.
What I ment to say, "many times that is simply putting others before our wants and desires!!!!!!!!
I think you will do a great job of finding the balance that will allow you to still continue to be yourself.
I don't believe that is treason.
T-o-n-i-i
I've only been married a year and a half. Things are tough in the beginning because you think the other person understands you so well and then they don't. There is always a way to make things work without really having to change your direction. I found I had to be less selfish. Thats all. I'm still working on that one but we just love each other so much.
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