Gotta move in to move out

Monday night, after the new carpet installation, Tyler and Caiden and I worked hurriedly to put together our new bed frame. It felt as if we were moving in rather than getting ready to move out. Most of our furniture was still stuffed in the dining area due to the carpet installation. The night before we'd watched the Oscars from our couch which was tightly placed into the hallway, sitting probably just 3 feet from the bigscreen of our TV, shoved in last, facing out. The week before we'd put together our new dressers. So with everything feeling so new, it was odd to think most of these new things we'd invested in and picked out would be left behind.

Tyler and I have been making preparations to move out for as long as I've been living in the house. For the most part, I have hated every minute of these preparations, while at the same time quite anxiously awaiting the time when we can move out. It's not that the preparations don't make it nicer, it's just hard not having ever been a home-owner before to see all the money being poured into something I"m going to leave behind. I don't understand it. But I've never felt like I belonged in the house at all. He bought it with his first wife and they lived there together. Then the house was his alone for several years before I moved in. Despite invitations to decorate as I please, I've felt inhibited because decorations already existed and it's one thing to hang a picture on a bare wall, and another to take down what's already there of someone else's to express your own tastes instead. And of course the psychological impact of living in the same home as he did with his first wife was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Those unexpected discoveries of cards and love notes when looking for construction paper are all too unsettling. Not to mention her comments on the changes/improvements she notices. Then there are the stories I hear here and there, and of course my vivid imagination of all the memories they shared and all the "firsts" they were able to have together.

But as we discuss moving now I feel selfish, terrified that Caiden will resent that it was me who initiated discussions of moving when he has no desire to. Terrified that Tyler would truly rather stay there if it were possible to make more room for our growing family. A bit worried that our new home won't have as nice of a back yard as the current one. And, above all, scared that our new home will need a considerable amount of work to make it fit our needs and tastes. It'd be ideal to build it just the way we want it, but never having had any period of non-improvement in my home, I'm hoping to be spared the ordeal for a couple of years. I remember just 4 days after we were married I went to my class for the evening and came home to new paint going on the walls in the living room. A week later, coming home to a ceiling fan resting on the bed as Tyler worked to install it. So I will warmly welcome a respite from home repair if I'm granted it.

Here's a list of the changes that have been made in the (nearly) last 3 years. I know Tyler had already made tons of updates prior to those I was present for, but I'll just recount the ones that I've witnessed.

Kitchen
flooring--laid tile
cabinets
countertops
dishwasher
lighting
paint
Bedrooms & office area
carpet
paint
light fixtures
Yard
deck
firepit
playhouse complete with sandbox and slide
Bathroom
flooring--laid tile
paint
General
roof
swamp cooler
venting
hot water heater
Living & dining room
built a wall
knocked out a "window"
laid wood flooring
paint
light fixtures
carpet
Laundry
new washer/dryer
flooring--laid tile