Just because it 'is,' doesn't mean it should be

Tyler and I were able to go see the movie "Australia" Wednesday night when it opened. In the movie, Nicole Kidman's character says the line: "Just because something 'is,' doesn't mean it should be." I loved that line.

I'm an idealist and so I know the exact sentiment she was expressing. If something could be so wonderful, why would we be happy with anything less? Of course this sentiment can lead to a lot of disappointment for me when I'm not willing to just be happy with the way things are. And it can often be confused with a negative attitude instead of one that aspires for better.

But I think there is a strength and tenacity to someone who insists on becoming whom they want to be or making what they want out of their life, despite the obstacles. That's why the movie Gattaca is one of my all-time favorites. Vincent has a dream and will not give it up for anything.

Another movie I love, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" deals with an opposite theme, the theme of not trying to be something that you're not. The Pumpkin King does Halloween best and clearly ruins Christmas when he attempts to do that.

So, although contradictory, I think it's possible for people to do what they do best and not try to be something that they're not while also striving with all of their might to fulfill their dreams.

Silly as it sounds, and I may regret this later, I believe that's why I'm like the John Locke character on LOST. You know the episode where as a child he's asked which items represent him in a pile? And he keeps choosing the knife, but it's clearly not him. But he wants the knife to be him. He wants to be a hunter.

I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want to be something that is most likely out of the realm of possibilities for me. But who can tell me that I shouldn't try? Who can make that call that it's just not for me, when I am still a believer that anything is possible?

Aren't all things changeable? Aren't all things possible if it means enough to you to make it that way? Just because things are a certain way doesn't mean that's the way they should be or that we should accept that. After all "Don't go placidly among the apathy and lethargy" is another line I live by. (See the whole poem 'Desiderata Too' in this post).

Scouts and Navy Seals

Recently I was named Den Leader in my local cub scouts organization. I don't know much about scouts except that all my brothers had to do it. At some points my sister and I were jealous of the things they got to do, learn to waterski, earn a merit badge. Sounds like a lot of fun, especially when you compare it to the LDS Young Womanhood award we had to get.

I remember feeling jipped that I never got to do a 50 mile hike and in fact I still haven't. I plan out long backpacking trips in my mind all the time, something like the "Wine to Waves" trip (Napa to San Fran), or "Rim to Rim", or something in the 4 corners area allowing me to see Hovenweep, Mesa Verde, and Canyon de Chelly.

So anyway, I started out with a requirement that included discussing 2 great Americans that had served their country. One of my choices was Michael Durant, the blackhawk pilot that was held in Somalia for 11 days by enemy forces. I loved reading his book "In the Company of Heroes" and hearing how his friends would fly by blaring his favorite AC/DC songs so he'd know they were out looking for him and wouldn't give up. I also loved the background he provides about Delta Force and Navy Seals. He says the following quotes about the organizations:

"They were the kind of professionals who could pick off a rabbit from a roller coaster with a BB gun."

"They will accept any challenge, professional or personal. They fight like panthers on speed, and when they're done, they party as if they've been pent up all day in a cage."

I love how easy to visualize those descriptions are and the admiration for him that his compliment reveals. I think it impressed the group of 9-year-old boys I had too. Hopefully I can keep scouts exciting for them.

Bodyworlds and athleticism

I went to see the Bodyworlds exhibit last Friday with April and my mother-in-law Valerie. I was really looking forward to it because I remember reading "The Agony and the Ecstasy" and learning how Michelangelo had broken into morgues so that he could dissect bodies to learn how to more accurately draw them.

Being kind of a health freak myself despite the amount of sweets I eat, I love learning about my body. I've always felt that our bodies are so incredibly capable that we should make the most use of them that we can. What a shame to waste the ability we have to walk, run, dance, etc. And what a shame that most of us don't have the freedom to be out hiking around all day.

Anyway, I absolutely loved the exhibit. Three things really stuck out the most for me. I loved seeing the development of babies and the reproductive organs of adults. Having recently had a baby I am still in awe as to how it is that their bodies grow first inside the womb and then outside. It is truly amazing.

I also loved seeing the IT band, a bundle of fibers running down the outside length of your leg. My IT band occasionally gets sore from working out and I'm forced to roll it on a hard cylindrical foam-type roller at the gym. My former yoga teacher taught me how to do this properly and I assure you it hurts like a mofo, but it gets the job done.

Most of all I was impressed by the heart, the star of the whole exhibit. What I was surprised to learn was that all hearts are not proportionately sized to the person. While most people's hearts are the size of their fist, some have abnormally large hearts (such as Lance Armstrong) and the heart can also grow with exercise. Some of the hearts shown in the exhibit were so huge I could never imagine room for them in someone's chest. It was inspiring to see how powerful the heart is and how hard it works, and also to consider what more I can do with my body.

I never did sports growing up and am not really cut out for them to be honest, my coordination is not the best, nor my strength or speed. Being an "athlete" was never something I really aspired to, I think other learning is more important. But, the more I do with my body, the more I realize how connected it is to my mind, and how disciplining one strengthens the other also. And I love the way athletes can show their excitement through their whole body!

In a history class at BYU my professor assigned a book called "Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism." I don't think Michael Jordan is the most iconic athlete of our time or the most admirable, but I love this quote of Harry Edwards' that is referenced in the book: "If I were charged with introducing an alien life form to the epitome of human potential, creativity, perseverance, and spirit, I would introduce that alien life form to Michael Jordan.”

To me, it just says that there is much more to athleticism than physical ability, and it inspires me to strive to reach my potential.

(I also noted that considering that the majority of the bodies donated to the Bodyworlds exhibit were those of old scientists, I think it quite generous of the artistic team to pose them as such incredible athletes.)

Bailey's got skills

If you don't read Tyler's blog, I've posted the same video he has of Bailey reading. I've been reading to Bailey almost everyday since she was born because even though she can't understand, I heard it would help her learn words in her future. She seems to have picked up the skill, because now when I open a book she talks away.



I was also surprised to see her roll over from her tummy to her back for the first time by herself on Friday, just shy of 3 months old! She is just determined to be grown up.

I Drink Your Milkshake

Tyler and I love all movies done by PT Anderson, especially last year's "There Will Be Blood." Well a parody was done of a scene from the movie where Day-Lewis' character is talking about how his drill gets oil from land that isn't even his. I've embedded the video, which is hilarious. (If you're using an RSS feed, you'll have to visit the actual blog to see the video)

I was reminded of it tonight when we were sitting eating some pizza watching the game and I said out loud that I wanted a milkshake. Tyler went into the kitchen and came back with a milkshake he had bought for me and one for him and one for Caiden too. He had picked them up when he got the pizza, before I had even mentioned wanting a milkshake. He must have seriously read my mind.

Bailey's first snow

Well she seems to have liked it, but we weren't out there for long.

Michael Crichton is dead

I read a few of Michael Crichton's science fiction novels, but my favorite book was an autobiographical one called "Travels." My boyfriend teased me for liking it so much but it was fascinating. Crichton's undergrad degree was anthropology and then he went to medical school. He began writing then and it helped pay for his way through, but eventually became his profession.

In the book "Travels" he tells of various experiences in medical school, a little about some of his 5 marriages, and about travel around the globe doing research for his novels. It includes adventures like shark encounters and visits to pyramids, but is far more an introspective book than a recounting of things he's done. He questions why people do things the way they do or think the way they do. I loved his discussion of western medicine's limitations by sticking to rational explanations only. He seemed ready to embrace any concept he was introduced to, viewing it as information not in contradiction of other information, but merely just another set of information.

Though I consider myself pretty open-minded, the book truly helped me recognize the narrow scope through which I see the world and how to further expand it. Clifford Geertz is actually my hero in this field, but Crichton seems a bit more approachable and I enjoyed his non-academic perspective.

I may not be ready to go around fluffing up other people's auras (as he had done to him once), but I'd happily explore the psychology behind illnesses or alternative medicine and hopefully not discount the explanations given by people of other cultures.

Happy Halloween

Bailey was happy her Grandma Speer got her the pink leopard outfit that her mom wanted because it was perfect for the last East high varsity playoff game. Their mascot is a leopard and the school colors and red and white so pink was a close match. Unfortunately, she slept through most of the game so she didn't get on TV like I thought she surely would have if the cameraman had got a glimpse.

Caiden went as an astronaut and for the first time I enjoyed being able to come to his Halloween class parade since I've always been at work before. He was a little too cool for the helmet, though I can't blame him since the extra stuffing in the top elongated his head, giving it a shape more like a knight's helmet.

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Okay okay, so I wish I was a more interesting person myself, but it can't be helped that I only want to blog about my kids now.

I was proud to make a dessert that Caiden thought was really cool. Straight out of Parenting magazine was the jello with gummie worms idea for a Halloween-type treat.

Here is Caiden and Bailey in Halloween costumes before we went on the Haunted Canyon train ride. She loves her big brother so much.

Then the other day I was making a cake and out loud lamented that the recipe didn't indicate if it was a 1 oz package of pudding mix to use or a 3.5 oz package of pudding mix. Caiden commented that cooking required math and then told a clearly made up story that went like this:

"Yeah, this girl was making a cake and the recipe just said 2 of something and so she put in 2 centimeters instead of 2 cups."

And I thought that was an awesome story.

And besides that Bailey and I went to our last East high game of the season last night. The sophomores don't have playoffs so only the Varsity will continue for another week or two depending on how they do. The night ended in tears, but not because I was sad it was ending. I love football season, I really do. I just get stressed out after a couple of months of it. I complained to Tyler how I was sick of driving everywhere by myself and sitting by myself to watch these games, which isn't always the case. Truthfully though I normally love to be able to do something by myself occasionally. I've been known to go to movies by myself, go on long hikes by myself, go out to eat myself, etc. It's just that I get tired of doing it all alone this time of year. It will be nice to have him around in the evenings again.

9009

Caiden had some friends over the other day and they were playing in the other room. Caiden came into the room where I was to show me what he had made. He proudly presented this paper saying "right now it's the number 9,009 but if I erase the comma then it's just nothing" (I guess he thinks it must have the comma).

Guessing what was coming next, I tried to be patient and to stifle my laugh. He said "But if you turn it upside down it says..." and he started laughing himself and couldn't say the word boob out loud.

Bailey's Blessing Day

Bailey looked absolutely beautiful. My mom made her blessing dress and we laid her on the baby blanket I got in Israel, made in Bethlehem. She was so soft and sweet as always, but it was as if she truly felt special in that dress (though her face suggests that she's just very curious about the camera).

Afterwards we had a get together at the house with our families who had come to celebrate her life as well. Since I've often spent Sundays outside the parameters of "keeping the Sabbath day holy" it's ironic that I was frustrated at just how un-ceremonial the day began to seem. I wanted to feel connected to everyone there and for it to truly be a day to ponder and discuss the potential that each life has. And because that didn't happen I felt a little disappointed, or maybe just kind of alone.

There are so many opportunities I want for Bailey and I guess I wanted the chance to show that better, or even more just to feel understood. Why do we so often say those things, but never talk about them specifically? Why do we practice religion, but rarely discuss why it does or should fulfill us or what parts of it do?

I am always craving more intimacy. I want so badly to understand others and be understood. I want all of my relationships to be ones where I am always growing closer and learning more about the other person. I hope I can be close to my children. I hope that they also find a kind of closeness with others that gives them an even stronger sense of identity, allowing them to find meaning in all of the things that they do.

Modern Kangaroos

Another great t-shirt found:

It says:
1 Drink Holder
2 Pen Loop
3 Joey Pouch
4 Additional Accessory Storage
5 MP3 Player Pocket
6 Phone/PDA Pocket
7 Key Hook

This one comes from Threadless

Israel 2000 scanned

I recently scanned my collection of photos from the semester I spent in Israel. It was something I've wanted to do for a long time. It turns out I've finished just about the same time that my experience there took a drastic turn 8 years ago.

It was right around the beginning of October that fighting broke out in the Old City at the Temple Mount. The Temple Mount has of course long been the source of great contention, but this was different, especially considering that it had been more peaceful there in recent years than ever before. Shortly after it began, we got on a bus for our scheduled field trip to Jordan.

From that point on our semester itinerary would change at any moment's notice. We rearranged field trips and had an extended stay at a kibbutz and resort at the Sea of Galilee. For one week we were not allowed to leave the Jerusalem Center building at all. Eventually, we came home one month earlier than planned. It cut short our classes and I never made it to the pyramids of Egypt, but I will never forget many of the things I learned as well as just what it felt like to be there (and I can still recite the Muslim Call to Prayer since I heard it 5 times a day). I can't wait to take my family there someday.

I lost most of the emails I sent from there and a few years later I lost the set of scriptures I had taken there and marked up with copious notes. I've cried over those losses plenty of times, but am grateful I have all of these pictures. And I would never trade that semester over any other more peaceful time in Israel. That's why I love the Bible so much anyway, it's full of passion and war so why not have my experience there be like that too?

Here is a link to my collection on flickr. Middle East photo collection
In the photo at Petra I'm in the middle in red. (Some of you may only know me with dark hair or light hair).

Bailey loves football

Especially East High football. She sometimes sleeps through it, but at the Varsity game last night she was wide awake and anxious to show everyone around her the cute little skirt on her red pants. She loved staring at the stadium lights above us and just bounced on my lap for a good portion of the game.

Nectarines

I feel a little uninspired lately. Part of me is resisting this mold that I think others are expecting me to now fulfill as a mother. Or perhaps it's self-imposed. I want to be a wonderful mother. I just am not sure I'm ready to give in to having a total mom-blog. Nor does being a mother mean I no longer have the dreams I had before. I'm perfectly content to just stare at my baby all day long, to read to her, make her smile, kiss her, take her picture, and hope that she's happy. But I fear that my dreams of living an unordinary life, one of adventure, will seem muted and consequently ignored if I show any sign of them letting up.

(Also, I believe people are defined by the things they actually do, not things they say they will. So I don't like that the person I like to think of myself as, seems to now only exist in short periods of time.)

So I actually got mad at Tyler the other day for not eating some nectarines I bought. Ridiculous, I know, but it came out of a fear that our children will be resistant to trying new things. Caiden won't eat a nectarine when I suggest it for a snack, and I think that if maybe he saw his dad do it, he would. But they're both in the habit of only eating bananas or apples for fruit and whenever I come home with something different, I alone will eat it. After the discussion, Tyler agreed to eat various fruits.

Besides some of those feelings of confusion, I have to share some just a few amusing things.

I met April for lunch at a new restaurant recently. She arrived a few minutes before me and had already gotten her meal. When I brought mine to sit down at the table with her, we discovered we had ordered the exact same thing, same salad, same sandwich.

Instead of playing chess with his Shrek chess set, Caiden now lines them up as football teams and practices his plays. Shrek, as you might guess, is the team's Center because he's the biggest.

Bailey is getting pudgier and more adorable all the time. So of course I had to include a picture of my buta-chan (little pig).

Just like her Daddy

I think she looks just like Tyler but he says her smile is from my family. I'm leaving you to your own conclusions.

Prez Dispenser T-shirt

Yeah, I've seen plenty of funny campaign t-shirts in the last several months, Urban Outfitters seems to always have the best, but I saw this linked on the site www.iliketotallyloveit.com and had to post it.

Playing Dressup

As a kid, my sister and I used to like to play dress-up. This was always a little more fun at our friend Shelby's house because her dress-up clothes seemed more princess-like. But we had a small collection too and wore them out sufficiently I'm sure. I believe even the most tomboy of girls likes to dress up nice occasionally. I also believe that the less you do it the more fun it is, though now I wish I had more opportunities.

Saturday was my cousin's wedding at the Gallivan Center downtown. I knew it would be absolutely beautiful because I love the Gallivan Center. I've rode my bike through the fountains at night numerous times and watched movies from the grass there. I've enjoyed many outdoor concerts there during the summer and one very snowy concert there in the winter. One beautiful night I saw Arlo Guthrie perform and I sat on the edge of the little pool that is an ice rink in the winter, dangling my feet in and enjoying the performance.

So I knew it would be a great night for dressing up. Problematically, I'm not quite fitting into many of my old clothes so I had way more fun dressing Bailey up. At first I'd thought I'd be dressing her up all the time, changing hair bows, painting her face for the games, etc., but onesies and nighties quickly became the norm out of convenience. And of course, to me, she is irresistible as she is. Still, seeing her with her little bow and shiny bracelet make me want to do it more often. She is such a cutie!

Trailhead Tailgating

Not exactly the sport of the season, but I couldn't resist sharing this short list from Outside magazine, courtesy of my mother-in-law.

Here is the text:

Outside Etiquette
On Tailgating at the Trailhead
1. The time spent riding or hiking must be greater than that spent hanging out at the car.
2. If there's beer in the cold stream and you didn't put it there, leave it.
3. Car stereos are acceptable, unless you have a subwoofer or a blown speaker.
4. Joining a Hacky Sack circle is fine; owning a Hacky Sack is not.

Football Attempts a Coup

It would be easy to let Bailey totally hijack my blog, she is pretty much my entire life right now, but football is making its best attempt at a takeover.

Every Thursday afternoon we go to the East High sophomore games where Tyler coaches. Last year we also went to the varsity games on Friday nights because he helps out there too and those games are more exciting. Caiden particularly likes the varsity games because the concession stand is open at them. As you can imagine, for most kids, buying food or candy at the concession stand is more fun than actually watching the game.

Here are some recent conversations with Caiden at the games:

Caiden: "Do you like watching the sophomore games even though there's no food?"
Me: "Yes, I like watching the games. I come for the game, not the food. What about you?"
Caiden: "I like watching the games too, but sometimes I'm starving."
Me: "Even though we bring snacks or eat snacks before hand?"
Caiden: "We brought snacks?"
Me: "No, but today we had snacks after school before driving over here."
Caiden: "Oh."


Caiden: "What are cheerleaders even for?"
Me: "To get the crowd excited."
Caiden: "Well they're not making me excited."

Bailey doesn't care about the concessions, but she likes being outside and that's fun enough. She's also trying to quickly gain a few so she can start wearing her game outfit. She actually likes going to Caiden's games a bit more though because we don't have to sit on the bleachers and she can lay on a blanket on the grass. Admittedly though, she is the center of my attention at the games even though I love watching them and being there.