A Plastic Chandelier

I love this plastic chandelier made of recycled containers. Check out the picture here on the blog Daily Dose of Imagery.

Flesh-seeking Kangaroo

Before Bailey was born, I read about "Kangaroo Care" for babies. It's just a sort of philosophy that children need skin to skin contact with parents and that giving it to them makes them happier, and helps them feel more safe. Kangaroo care involves holding your baby and playing with your baby while you're both naked to have as much skin to skin contact as possible. Mostly just laying on mine or daddy's chest, or being held belly to belly.

Perhaps this practice has made her the grabbiest, pinchiest, slappiest baby ever. When she's nursing she has windmill arm going on one side, just around and around to touch whatever is in reach. When I'm rocking her to sleep she grabs at my neck and sleeves, always looking for some skin, even when she's not hungry. When we're swimming and I'm holding her she blows on my shoulders. She always reaches out to grab Caiden's or Daddy's face or anyone else that gets close enough to her. She pinches noses and chins and necks and scratches too. She's never trying to hurt you but she can be pretty strong.

So maybe it was the Kangaroo Care or just taking after me. Whenever I complain to Tyler that he hasn't touched me enough he'll say, "But I hug you all the time" and I'll tell him "no no no, you have to touch my skin." What can I say? Bailey knows what she wants. So fair warning to those who hold her. She's a pincher/scratcher. But she's adorable and cute and kisses too!

Happy Easter!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

I love you you hottie!

(taken from the 80's music video he made with his brothers)

Yours and Mine

Almost 2 weeks ago a new door opened up for me. One I wasn't really expecting to open up for me, one that I feared if it did open up for me would mean something was wrong. But nothing was wrong and the most unexpected happened, and yet it doesn't seem all that unbelievable.

Suddenly there is a new part of my life, or a part of my life re-awakened. It makes me feel more whole, but it doesn't really change anything.

The baby boy I gave away over ten years ago is again part of my life. He's not a baby anymore, he's a tall and handsome and incredibly smart and adventurous kid! And not only do I feel a renewed connection to him, but I feel part of the whole big family that is his now and that is what makes me so happy! I am so happy for him, for them, and grateful that they would allow me to be part of it!

I can only blog about what is my life and would feel out of place blogging about what is theirs, but I just have to say what wonderful parents he has. I can only hope to be as full of love and as accepting as they are and as patient and willing. My impression will always remain that the circumstances of our lives collided and he was meant to be theirs, that I will never regret the difficult decision I made because he couldn't be in any better hands, though I will always fiercely love him as my own too.

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Where's Bailey?

Peekaboo!

Knee Pain explained

Occasionally I get knee pain. I usually just figure it's because I did the stairstepper the day before at the gym, or maybe lots of squats that day or whatever. Sometimes I can't really explain why for a few days my knees will really bother me and then suddenly they don't.

Women's Health magazine ran an article last month that really made sense to me and I'm sure it's true in my case. It said that while a woman is ovulating, higher estrogen levels cause a decrease in collagen in the ligament, making the ACL looser.

For me, this information was wonderful to have--one of my greatest fears is a knee injury. Now I know when to be a little more careful and can also understand why my knee bothers me more at some times. Hurray again for Women's Health, I love that magazine!

Story Corps

NPR's Story Corps buses are here!

Almost 4 years ago, when I was working for missionary travel, I was sitting in the Lieutenant governor's office at the capital, waiting for some apostilles on birth certificates to get missionary visas. While I was waiting I picked up a copy of Atlantic Monthly on the coffee table. I don't know the first thing about that magazine still or who their readers are. But I read an article about Story Corps, an organization for gathering stories, or rather, interviews, and recording them. I was instantly intrigued, I was an anthropology major after all.

Though the idea of recording interviews or writing down stories from individuals' histories is not entirely new, I commend their recognition of how important it is! The bus travels around the nation to different cities, while some cities have permanent locations such as booths in subway stations, for the recording and archiving of these stories. The participants of course receive their own copy, but the stories become forever part of Story Corps collection and some are played on NPR.

I love it because I believe everyone has a story. And those stories evolve over time and our view of those things evolve as well as what we learn and how we change due to those stories. This has been especially true for me.

I wish I had recorded some of the stories that H. had told me before he had died. Each of my parents have some written stories of their ancestors, and I love hearing about them. I'm not sure how I'm going to participate yet, but I feel the need to participate, to know something more about someone's life who is close to me. I'm just excited that they're here and I think it's such a wonderful opportunity, something you can do on your own anytime, but why not do it for a public record?

The stories I've listened to make me feel more connected to people all over the world, perhaps that is why I have no hesitation sharing stories of my own. I crave intimacy above all things. Visit the Story Corps website here.

Canyonlands 5 mile run

Trying new things is something I absolutely love, though it turns out there's not much that I'm really good at. There are some things that I have tried over and over again just to be with friends, meanwhile hoping and telling myself that someday I will enjoy it more or actually get somewhat decent at it. It's frustrating sometimes, but the experiences are always worth it.

So last fall April asked if I was interested in doing the Canyonlands half marathon with her this March. I'm not a runner, never have been. But it's a beautiful course through country we both love. Since I had just had a baby in August, I figured I could do the 5 mile run on the same day as the half marathon and signed up. And since being outdoors and being active are probably two of the most important things in my life besides my family, I was game.

At first I shrugged it off as a wussy race, after all, I workout at the gym every day, doing mostly cardio stuff. Then I started to get a bit nervous, I hardly ever run for those 40 minutes, I hardly ever run at a racing pace either. I knew I could do 5 miles though, so I just kind of let it go at that, not really training, telling myself it would just be for fun. That worked pretty good, but then when you tell people you're running in a race, there's an expectation that you want to do well, and I got nervous again. I heard that races were addictive, that once you do one, you'll want to do more, longer, harder, etc. I'm still wondering about that, but here's how it went.

My goal was to do 9 minute miles and finish in 45 minutes. I had never actually done this, but thought it was do-able. I told Tyler it would be unlikely though and to count on me at the finish line somewhere between the 50 minute and 1 hour mark. That seemed more likely considering how horribly Bailey slept on our trip down to Moab and the night before the race in the hotel.

I surprised myself by how well I did and also by how hard it was. My final time was 43:44, but I felt pretty dead when I finished. It did feel absolutely wonderful to see Tyler and Bailey there at the end though and I think I'd consider doing that 5 mile run again. What I loved most about it was the community of the whole thing. I loved how at the start line I saw people of all ages, parents with children, couples, groups of friends, etc. I loved how the city supported the race, how children waited on their front lawns to high five us as we finished up the last miles in town.

April did incredible on her 13 mile run and is considering doing it again or another race (this was not her first). For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing (you bring the boat please), talk books or movies, but like I said, I may do the 5 mile run again.

What is especially nice is that since we are in Moab, this afternoon after the race we got to visit one of the canyons and tomorrow we'll do a bit more hiking around before heading home. So here are a few shots of me hiking and playing in Hunter canyon.

the state I live in

I love Utah, but have to admit how absolutely embarrassing it can be sometimes that our tax dollars can be spent on days or weeks or months of discussion over the most ridiculous legislative issues. Is it really better if alcoholic drinks are mixed away from the eyes of children? Isn't "shielding" children from the truth sort of denying them the chance to learn about it? Would not knowing that some people choose to drink alcohol keep you from ever trying it later?

What bothers me about this is that rather than creating a culture of honesty, we're creating one that encourages people to keep secrets. This is really something that bothers me about being a Mormon. So many things are frowned upon either by belief or by social and cultural consequences that I believe there is a great deal too much shame, insecurity, and then secrecy created.

Shouldn't a religion inspire honesty?

Learning to Play Catch

When I started to roll the ball with Bailey I really couldn't believe that she could, or even that she wanted to try to roll it back to me. She impresses me all the time with the things she wants to do and is learning to do!

AND she plays an instrument

Cute and talented!




Also, check out her head tilt action.

Places I've Lived

I haven't owned that many vehicles (see Tyler's blog), but I've lived in a lot of apartments. So in short, the places I've lived as an adult prior to getting married. This is long, I'm trying to keep it to just some info about the places I lived, and not a life narrative.

Just after graduating from high school I moved into the dorms at BYU and attended the summer term. There is nothing else to say about that semester except that I didn't spend much time in my dorm.

Then I moved in with B and H in Longview, Washington, around September 1997. I had a bedroom in the front of their house, my first time ever having my own room in my life. I was pretty awkward there, partly the situation, and partly because I guess I didn't know how to make friends without my more outgoing sister around. So I never had friends over, except for the boy who became my sort of boyfriend, who wanted to be my hero I think.

Then I moved back home to Missoula and lived with my parents again in May 1998. I worked 2 jobs and spent any free time hanging out with people from the LDS institute there.

I got accepted back into BYU and headed down to Provo in January 1999. I moved into the dorms again (Deseret Towers) and this time experienced what living in the dorms is really like. My roommate was the only one I've ever had that I wasn't particularly friends with, she had got engaged over the Christmas break and so spent most of her time with her fiance. They got married halfway through the semester and so I had the room to myself after that. The girls next door to me were super friendly, and between them and 2 other rooms, we had a good little group for going to movies, ice cream, etc. I never really hung out in the "common" rooms, but more often in the other girls' rooms, one room had a small tv where we watched movies, other times we'd just pile around on beds or on the floor for late-night talking.

With the girls from my dorm floor we all moved to the apartment complex Roman Gardens in the fall of 1999. Six of the girls rented one of the larger apartments just above the one I rented with my roommate. Mine was on the bottom floor, and the smallest apartment in the complex. It had just one bedroom, for 2 renters, and had cinderblock walls. I loved my roommate. I can't count how many nights we starting talking in the bathroom while getting ready for bed, one of us washing our face, the other sitting on the side of the tub in pajamas, and somehow that conversation kept us talking in that tiny space for hours on end.m In the summer of 2000 she went home for the summer and I roomed with a girl I'd never met. We got along great as well and that summer was one of the funnest I ever had. The complex looks kind of like this one:

I lived in that basement apartment for a year until I went to Jerusalem in the fall of 2000. There I shared a room with 3 other girls whom I also grew to love. We lived in the BYU Jerusalem center and couldn't have asked for a better setting. Each dormitory room there has its own balcony overlooking Jerusalem. The hallways are open air with trees growing up into the sky and cobblestone floor walkways. My apartment number was 310 and sometimes we had dance parties there, mostly the idea of our roommate from Spain, at those times the apartment was referred to as "310 Underground."

Our semester in Israel was cut short by about a month so I didn't have a place to live in Provo. I moved in with my cousin Amanda and her husband Ryan. They had a small apartment really close to campus with an extra room and despite being newlyweds, were nice enough to take me in for the remainder of the semester.

In January 2001 I moved back into my basement apartment at Roman Gardens. I don't remember this time as fondly, perhaps I was tired of the atmosphere there, or maybe because things really took a turn for the worse with my boyfriend around that time too.

In May I went with BYU's archaeology department to a field school "dig" nearby Escalante. I lived in a tent provided by the department with one other girl. We had cots to put our sleeping bags on and besides that pretty much lived out of our duffels/suitcases. We went to bed not too long after the sun set and got up just before it rose. I felt healthier than ever then, probably because of being saturated in such a natural environment.

The dig lasted 2 months and then I moved back to Roman Gardens around the beginning of July. It was a larger apartment and I shared it with 3 other girls. The girl I shared my room with had also been my roommate in Jerusalem and I'd asked her if she wanted to room together again. I really admired her and she was lots of fun. I probably wasn't the best roommate then, I was still going through a hard time with my old boyfriend, he'd began dating a different girl in the complex and I hated seeing them around together. Then we began a sort of friendship again that often left me confused and hurt. I got closer to the other 2 girls in the apartment as well though and I think we all had a pretty great fall semester then. It was my senior year at BYU and that fall was the first and only one I went to any football games. We all bought tickets together and went to the games, painting our faces and shouting along with the cheers (though I admit I knew nothing of the game then.)

In January 2002 I moved to a different apartment complex with some friends from Roman Gardens. I had to "sell" the second half of my rental contract at Roman Gardens but I was lucky enough to get a buyer. The new complex was called The Academy and it was across from the old Academy building in Provo, that is now the city library. There were 4 of us in the apartment. I didn't like the complex as much because it wasn't as easy to make friends and there was no central place to hang out--no rec room, no courtyard, no pool, etc. I started dating my old boyfriend again and spent a lot of my time back over at the Roman Gardens complex. The Academy Apartments looked kind of like this building:

I graduated in April, but moved back to Roman Gardens for the summer. A couple of my old roommates were still there and I moved into the 4-person apartment I'd been in before. I had a job on campus and then swam in the pool or sat in the hot tub almost every day. I was looking for all sorts of different jobs, getting a little discouraged that I didn't know quite what I wanted to do or what I wanted to happen to my relationship. But I didn't want to stick around Provo and didn't feel like my relationship had much of a future. I took the job teaching English in Japan and left in mid-August 2002.

The school I was working for in Japan was privately owned/managed. At most times there were 3-6 teachers employed and we lived in the owners home. Her home was a more modern Japanese one, attached to her mother-in-laws much older home and a large room connecting them made up the "school" though most of the classes I taught were in smaller buildings throughout the area. I had a room up a very narrow set of stairs and hated that I could hear rats running through the attic most nights. The ceiling was paneled and sometimes I dreamt that the rats pulled back the panels and watched me sleeping. The town was considered the countryside of Japan, or in fact, more like the boonies, but houses were still packed together. The land was very green though and I loved being next to the beach and bamboo-covered mountains all at once. This is a scene of Toyohama:

I cut short my 1 year contract in Japan to come home in April 2003. My sister was getting married and I was ready to move back home. I stayed with my parents (who had moved to Ogden area just a month or so before I left for Japan) for just a few weeks before finding the house on 700 east that I moved into. I lived in that house for 2 years with 3 other girls. At first I was in the smallest bedroom upstairs but moved into the larger downstairs room after one of the girls moved out. The first year I spent a lot of weekends away, driving to Las Vegas or Hurricane (St. George area) to visit my college boyfriend. But I was already in love with the neighborhood, the perfect downtown location 2 blocks south of Trolley Square and 1 block north of Liberty Park.

This house quickly became my favorite place I've ever lived. I think I felt most free there to be myself than anywhere else. My roommates were wonderful and I began to go out a ton. I started my Master's Program at the U and started dating Tyler. I moved out in May 2005 when I got married. I still love to drive by that house.

Those are the places I've lived, between 1997 and 2005.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What is half a year?

Half a year is not enough time to keep you from waking me up 2-4 times a night.
Half a year is more than enough time to wait to hear you say ma ma ma ma ma ma.
Half a year is not enough time to not miss you when I'm away just a few hours.
Half a year is more than enough time to memorize how your body feels against mine, even as it changes from stick legs to thunder thighs and then to crawling ones.
Half a year is not enough time to forget how many hours I was in labor.
Half a year is more than enough time to return the CD April lent me for the hospital trip. (Um, did you want that back?)
Half a year, half a lifetime, is not enough time to give you all the love I want to.
Half a year, half a minute, is more than enough time to fall hopelessly in love with you.

The Suit-dress Incident

Today we were shopping for Tyler. He needed some new clothes for his new job and Bailey and I were happy to be with him since we don't all get to hang out together often.

I love to shop for clothes for Bailey and I was thinking about when it would become not so fun. When will she start wanting to pick them out herself and when will I not like what she chooses? I'm not sure when it happened for me, but I can think of one time in particular, that just may have been the first.

When April and I were 8 years old we were baptized in the LDS church. Prior to that event we were shopping for dresses. This was kind of rare, usually my mom made our dresses. I know we usually got a new home-made dress on Easter most years anyway. My mom made my prom dress in high school and many of my Christmas dresses. She helped me sew my own wedding dress because I wanted a particular design that couldn't be bought.

So when we were 8 we were at Kmart and there were some lacy/ruffly dresses and then there was what I"ll call a suit-dress. I wanted the suit dress and my mom wanted me to have the lacy/ruffly kind. April was going for one of the ruffly kinds as well. I think I cried. I know I kept insisting that I liked the one much better. I know my mom would remember it as one of my most stubborn moments of childhood.

At the end of the shopping trip, I don't think we got the dresses, my mom said she would get them later or something? All I know is that I didn't yet know what decision she had come to regarding which one would be mine. April was settled with the pink ruffly/lacy dress, and there was a similar purple one that I think my mom wanted for me. I remember that I didn't find out until later that she had decided to go ahead and buy me the suit-dress I wanted. I'm sure I was happy, I remember that dress well. I remember the rule that I had to wear the jacket with it because the dress top was sleeveless. I know sometimes I took the jacket off, but I don't remember how often or if it was a big deal if I was caught.

Here is our family photo at April and I's baptism on 1987. I am wearing the suit dress I stubbornly desired. April isn't wearing the ruffly pink one in this picture, but that is the one she got.

These days I might be more inclined to go with the ruffly pink dress myself, I love to feel girly and being a mother brings it out more. Apologies to anyone in my family who may not appreciate having this particular photo of them posted, I am using it for demonstrative purposes only :)

All About Soul

I was recently sent an article about how Billy Joel is the Worst Pop Singer Ever. It was pretty hilarious and I pretty much have to agree. Except I remembered later that I might have a few of his songs in my collection. And it turns out I do, one that I've liked the lyrics to since I was in middle school I think. I looked them up and it turns out I still like them. It's far from being a favorite song, but the lyrics to "All About Soul" give me a picture of the kind of wife I want to be.


She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain

It's all about soul
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul
'Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong
'Cause so many things gettin' out of control
Should drive her away
So why does she stay?
It's all about soul

She turns to me sometimes and she asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say

It's all about soul
It's all about knowin' what someone is feelin'
The woman's got soul
The power of love and the power of healin'
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
As she comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive

It's all about soul
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul
Who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow
You've got to be hard
As hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

More cereal please Mommy

I just love the way it feels on my chin!

SFF 09 Part 2

Sundance is over and I hardly felt part of it this year. Usually by day 8 or 9 of the festival I'm ready for it to be over because I'm so exhausted from all of the late nights and early mornings at my regular job. But this time I was ready for it to be over because I'm still lacking sleep each night getting up with Bailey and honestly, though I'd like some more "me" time, I wasn't that into it.

So I worked my shift and tried to be as helpful as possible. I saw a friend from my old work in the waitlist line for a popular zombie nazi movie and was happy to see that she got in. Then I watched while a bunch of volunteers got photos with Benjamin Bratt who was there as part of the cast for "La Mission." I heard that the movie was really good and it seemed that he was pretty friendly considering the amount of photos he was willing to be in and his good-natured smile.

When Tyler updated me on how Bailey went down for bed though I really longed to be home and started thinking about how much I'd love to leave early, just like all of the other volunteers that have driven me crazy as a manager in previous years. I didn't ask, and I didn't get off early because it was the last night for festival showings at the Broadway and we had to break down and inventory all of the equipment.

Still, I was happy to be a small part of the festival, and next year I'll look forward to seeing festival movies again. I did run into "the dude we see everywhere" again this year, he happened to be working at the Broadway on one of my shifts too, so I assured him that though I don't know him, my husband and I feel like we're his friends since we see him everywhere, and he was happy to hear that. : )

Also, Tyler and I did bring Bailey over to the Rose Wagner theater to show her off to the people I've worked with the last couple of years at the festival. Though I typically only see these people once a year, it was fun to say hi and get a quick update on their lives. Bailey was a doll for them of course.

SFF 09 Part 1

In keeping with tradition, I feel compelled to write something about the Sundance film festival this year. However, this year is different in that I am only working a few shifts, primarily to maintain my alumni status as a volunteer so that I can work at my preferred venue in the future.

I'm also not seeing any movies. This is because with my part-time job shifts and Sundance shifts, I don't want to be away from Bailey any more than that. It's been hard to not let myself get too excited, but in the whole scheme of things, one year of missing movies won't kill me. It's always fun to just be a part of it and I usually only see a small portion of the over 100 films showing in those 10 days anyway.

So last weekend were my first two shifts. I was back at the Broadway instead of the Rose Wagner and I enjoyed the faster pace of it there. The managers brought to our attention that it's the one of two theaters at Sundance that has 3 screens running movies so it definitely has some of the most traffic. And I like that about it.

The first night the only thing of note to me was the Shorts program. A lot of cast and crew came for several of the shorts selected. One of them featured a young girl, my guess was that she was about 10 or 11 years old. She sat out of the theater waiting for the show to finish to back in for the Q & A afterwards. What impressed me about her was that she was sitting in the lobby reading the book "The Shack," something that's been on my reading list a few months now and seemed heavy content for a young girl. She was sitting out on the movie because the other shorts in the collection were more of the R-rated type while hers was suitable for most audiences. I watched her walk in when the show was finished and she carried herself so well, I immediately thought she must be a very bright little girl.

The second night I worked until almost 2 am. The midnight movie had already gained a lot of popularity despite only being shown once before so far at the festival. Then we got word that a very VIP person was coming to the screening. Security kept calling to notify us of how far away they were and to make the request that the theater be seated already so that they could sit in the back to be there for the Q & A afterwards. So after seating them, we calmly waited and then in walked Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon with a large entourage. I'm not a big fan of hers, but it was definitely fun to see her.

I just have one more shift to work this weekend and it will be over again until next year.