new nephew

April had her second baby boy tonight. I had to keep myself from bawling when he was first born. Nothing is more beautiful than birth. He weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces.

April is the most beautiful woman I know. She's my twin sister and has been my best friend my whole life. She's a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. I feel so close to her, even though sometimes we have hardly anything to say to each other. Even though we've lived clear across the globe from each other.

I heard once that friendships between women start with huge confessions, emotional bonding--they start deep and gradually become relationships of comfort--you shift to mostly small talk, but never forget the bond you have. And supposedly it's the opposite for men--friendships between two men--they only proceed beyond small talk after the friendship have existed for years and years. I wouldn't exactly say this is the case with my sister and I, we still have plenty of emotional discussions, but I think this idea is interesting. Because I think most of my girl-friendships have been that way.

I spent most of my day in the hospital with her and Bill. When I got home Caiden had just gotten into bed. I layed next to him for a few minutes, talking about his day. He must have really felt like talking, because I didn't even have to ask him--he just talked and talked for about 10 minutes. He told me there were 19,555 kids at his school and that to walk around the entire building was 12 miles. And then on and on about the duties at recess and some different kinds of keys and everything. It was funny that he'd come up with those exact numbers--he didn't say there were "about" 19,555 kids at his school, he's convinced that there are exactly that many. He's so sweet. I love him so much.

Best of Fest

Best of Fest is for locals to get a chance to see two of the award winning films from Sundance when the festival is over. The tickets are free so we were very busy packing the theater as full as we could last night. I had to keep walking through and count seats, asking people to move in, are the people they're saving the seat for really coming back, etc.

After we loaded the theater there was one woman waiting in the lobby who asked to speak with me. (She asked if I was someone who had some "clout"--I hate that word.) I assumed she was just upset about not getting in to see the movie, but it was something much more elaborate. She then proceeded to tell me how several years ago she'd taken her four daughters to a beauty pageant and there she'd met James Baldwin. Apparently he'd just been through AA and they started talking and she wanted to mail him a Book of Mormon. He'd given her his address, but she'd lost it and wondered if I knew someone who could send it to him.??

I was kind of taken aback. Then she told me how she'd prepared the package, one for James Baldwin and one for Michael and Kathryn Douglas who she had also met. She had written a nice letter and packaged them up in manila envelopes, taped them up, and written her return address on each with their names for the delivery address. And she really just wanted someone to send them for her so she could get it off her chest. She really wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I kept telling her that I didn't want to take that responsibility. She'd say "Well I really feel like I have to do it because I came all the way downtown and I got a parking place and everything and I didn't get into the movie. I just want to feel like my time was worth it. You look like a nice girl, I can give these to you and you can find the right person to send them on."

Finally I just said I'd check with someone else, walked over to the other Sundance manager and asked her to pretend I was checking something, came back and told the woman again that I didn't want that responsibility. That I'm not part of Sundance staff, I don't know who would mail it for her or have that address information if anyone even did. I told her I was a volunteer manager and that I didn't want to and couldn't do anything for her. Then she asked if the people over at Trolley Square (where they were selling festival tickets and merchandise during the festival) might have more "clout." All I said was "maybe" and that got her off my chest. I really do feel sorry for her, but did she really think I was going to mail some packages to James Baldwin and Michael Douglas for her?

And that's how this year ended. Between shows I went to Squatters with the other manager, her husband, one of the volunteers, and his friend. It was fun to just hang out for a bit and I hope we all get together again before next year, but sometimes that's just the way it goes.

SFF10

Last official day today and I got off early. I have tons of stuff to catch up on, sleep being at the top of my list. I do have to work tomorrow night at the "best of fest" screenings in Salt Lake. But it'll be fast and easy.

My team was awesome and it was fun to get to know all the people I did this year. Also, one of my volunteers wrote about us to the volunteer department, it felt good to read this email as forwarded on to me:

Hi --

Not really sure who I'm speaking to, but I'm trying to get in touch with whomever is the supervisor of the theater managers in Salt Lake. I just want to express how great mine were. I worked in Park City last year with a manager who was as pyscho as the stalker she made us escort out. At that point in time, I was pretty sure I would have had more fun pulling my toe-nails out with sharp sticks.

But this year, I worked at the Rose Wagner theater and the managers -- A-----, C------, Alene and A---- (I think that's how each of their names are spelled) were just great. And I want to leave them thank-you cookies, but you know how cookies -- even when labeled -- tend to disappear faster than Winona Ryder from The 10 premiere. So instead I'm trying to go about this with metaphorical cookies, by way of reaching a supervisor. Therefore, if this message could please reach its intended recipeint, I would be very grateful. I had a fun, fantastic festival thus far, and the managers had a heavy hand in that. So thanks to them. Many times over.

Thanks for your time,

J--- B----

SFF9

As mentioned, the HB and I did a double-feature after my shift. I loved both movies--they were creative, fun to watch, and made me think. Sometimes I felt annoyed though during Black Snake Moan even though I really liked it. I don't mind sexuality in movies, but at times it seemed this was just some porno-pervert's fantasy being played out. Does every guy have the dream of dragging around some hot naked chic on a chain? And did Samuel L. Jackson's character have to wait until she'd been at his house for 2 days to get her some clothes? I think I take everything too personally. I really like it when Samuel L. Jackson busted out the blues playing at the bar and everyone got down. I wished I could.

SFF8

I took a short nap between my workday and my Sundance stint. I'm paranoid that I'll get sick as soon as this is over because I'm so tired.

Jeff and Mandi came up to Salt Lake City to watch the movie "Chapter 27" with Tyler and I. It was about Mark Chapman, the guy who killed John Lennon. The movie was really well done. As expected, it drew a lot from the book "Catcher in the Rye"--a book I've loved since I read it as a teenager. It was interesting to see how he'd gone crazy though and twisted the book's meaning and disillusionsed himself in so many ways.

SFF7

Last night Tyler brought me a Red Bull while I was working with his written prescription: Take one of these and see me at midnight.

It was really sweet because I was so tired and it was a very busy night. The other manager wanted to leave early tonight and we'd already arranged. So after we had seated the last show and done our ticket report she left. Then, just about 10 minutes before the movie was supposed to be over the director showed up. Usually the entourage staff is supposed to let us know if anyone from the film is coming. They didn't so we assumed no, which means that when we introduced the film we told the audience there would be no Q&A afterwards so they don't need to stick around. I was totally surprised that he had come, but knew everyone would love to hear from him. So for a few minutes I was frantic, trying to get the projectionist to get ready to turn on the mic and turn on the house lights as soon as the credits roll so I can quickly announce the director/writer before anyone gets up. Plus I didn't know his name and didn't want to ask him so I got another volunteer to go downstairs and look in the catalog and tell me on my headset so he didn't know. (thank you Tina!) I guess it all went well though. None of the cast came, but Michael Douglas was in the film. The last question from the audience was:
"What makes a guy like MIchael Douglas do a film like this--one that pays very little?"

The director/writer hesitates, then says "I don't know. Why do any of us do it? Why are we all here?" Then he steps down and walks out.

It was interesting because at first he seemed annoyed that the question wasn't really for him but more for Michael Douglas--but to me it ended well because it made us all ask ourselves why we love independent film? What's so great about Sundance? Because these guys get the chance to tell their story and it must be great to have a big name actor think the story is so great too that they want to be in it. The movie was called "King of California" and was really good.

SFF6

Last night we went up to Park City to check out some more flicks. Again, we made a last minute decision. We got up there later than we wanted to and the theater looked too packed for the one we wanted to see. So we watched the worst movie I've ever seen in my life "Khadak." A story about a Mongolian herder whose family is forced to move to the city. And he has epilepsy. I think there were 5 spoken words in the movie. Sometimes I just wanted to scream "someone please say something!!!" and I think my fidgeti-ness would have driven Tyler nuts if the rest of the audience wasn't either fidgeting like crazy too or fast asleep. A few people left midway through, and honestly, I wish I had been one of them. But I endured it and then was rewarded with my favorite nachos at the Wasatch Brew Pub at the top of Main Street. Usually I like nachos with tons of stuff on them--black beans, cheese, onions, olives, tomatoes, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, etc. These ones are pretty basic, but the key is the tons of cheese they put on and jalapenos. They are so good.

Then the HB and I waited outside the Egyptian to see the popular film "Fido." We were determined not to miss this one and so got in line early and were able to see it. It was scheduled at midnight, the midnight movies are always fun movies and the crowd is fun too. Most people have already done a lot of partying. "Fido" was about a small conservative community in the future that appears almost like Pleasantville. Carrie-Ann Moss from the Matrix plays the housewife. Everyone on the street has a pet zombie that does their chores for them and she's jealous and so she gets one. (The zombies have been electronically collared to quench their appetite for human flesh). The son becomes immediate friends with the zombie and zombie starts falling for the mom/housewife. It was hilariously entertaining. A late night well worth it.

SFF5

I was really tired and also frustrated with some volunteers that didn't really want to help out, only take advantage and see movies. There are some perks to volunteering and often you can watch some movies even on your shift if things are not too busy, but it's so frustrating when they expect that, and complain about not having snacks or wanting to go home early because they got up early and went skiing. Shouldn't they take responsibility for the shifts they signed up for? It's their fault if they went skiing. Here's a great quote by Livingstone that goes along with what I was feeling:

"If you have men who will only come if they know there is a good road, I don't want them. I want men who will come if there is no road at all."

Then I went out to my car, anxious that I might have gotten a parking ticket. I parked in a $3 lot and only had $1, so I took the risk. Sure enough, there was a parking ticket, and on the back of it was this hand-written note. This was not the kind of note to get when it's midnight, you have to sit in your cold car for 10 minutes to defrost and warm it up before driving home. I showed it to Tyler when I got home and wanted himt to get mad with me. He's so good, he did. Then I cried just for a second--I just needed to let out some of the energy my body had been building up to survive another night on very little sleep.

SFF4

I met Tyler in Park City to see some movies. We got a waitlist number for the Shorts program (I love the Shorts), but mostly because it was in the same theater as the movie we wanted to see later, and that would make it easier to get in. While waiting in line though we opened the paper and saw the movie we were stoked to see got really bad ratings. So we got some food and headed over to another venue for waitlist numbers. We bought a deck of Sundance playing cards and played speed until it was time to line up again for the movie. It was Antonio Banderas' movie "Summer Rain." It was absolutely beautiful. He was very generous with his answers to questions afterwards, going on in detail about certain scenes or inspiration. I particularly liked all the references it included to Dante's "The Divine Comedy." I read "The Inferno" (the first section) in my senior English class--thank you Mrs. Johnson--and it was beautiful in its artistic and visual appeal. At the end of the semester we had to do a project on one of the pieces we'd read so my mom helped me to design and make a stained glass art piece representing the inferno abstractly. When people come over and ask what it is hanging in our window, I like to just say, "It's hell. Isn't it beautiful?"

SFF3

Between screenings at the theater last night I went down to the green room to count ballots for the first film. There were over 400 to sort so I asked some of the volunteers to help me. While sorting ballots we got talking about marriage. Most of the volunteers are older than myself, been married longer. One older guy who I knew from my old gym talked really negatively about it. The other women were sort of neutral about it and seemed content with that. It frustrated me--don't these people want a good relationship?? Why be content with merely being roommates, or just staying together out of comfort? Are we so lazy that we will settle for mediocrity and not strive for something more?

I wanted to talk to the HB about it last night, but didn't have a chance. Then I couldn't sleep. It's hard for me to sleep most nights. I think I'm still used to coming home and talking with my roommates for hours sometimes to wind down and get the day out of me. When I don't get to let out any of my thoughts or experiences I can't wind down or let the day go. I want a good life, a good marriage, not mediocrity. I want to be fulfilled. It may be noble to stay together for children I agree, but at the expense of losing your soul? I like that line from a Tori Amos' song: "You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird."

Today's the first day of the fest that I"m not actually working the theater so I'm meeting the HB up in Park City to see some films and maybe just get some nachos at the brewery on Main Street. I love it up there.

SFF2 note

Oh yeah, Tyler's working a few shifts at an info booth in Park City for the fest--this year we can go to some movies together! Anyway, yesterday he texted me that he saw a guy walk by in a Sasquatch ski suit. I don't know why he's not blogging this, this is some good shit! Anyway, it reminded me I still need to see the Tenacious D movie. I love Jack Black and someone told me he gets high and starts dancing with some sasquatches. I can't wait to see it. Remind me babe when this is over.

SFF2

Tyler bought me flowers yesterday. We had cuddled in the morning and then had an argument before I had to go to work, he had to go to Park City, then I had to go do Sundance until after midnight again as I will tonight also. He was so sweet though. When I got home he had the kitchen all cleaned up and the flowers beautifully arranged in a vase. He'd bought a frame for my diploma and placed it inside already. He folded the laundry. Sometimes it's frustrating that our outlooks on life are so different, but being caring toward each other keeps us together. Even when some of our passions aren't necessarily shared, we do our best to support each other and encourage each other in them and learn about them. Today I was in church with the valiants and Tyler had to be in Park City already so I was by myself. I was thinking about a romantic moment we had. When we were first dating Tyler took me for a drive once during Sunday school. We went up in the foothills above campus and when we saw a cemetery I begged to get out and walk around it despite the cold and snow. I made him hold my hand and I'm sure that's when I really fell in love with him. He must have thought I was so twisted with my penchant for graveyards, but I thought it was so romantic. I love it when I feel like I can really express myself with him and share my thoughts about things that are mysterious, my crazy explanations or analogies, or share with him what I think is beautiful or meaningful.

At the festival last night I was able to see part of the movie "Savages" starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney. The film editor came to introduce the movie, but none of the stars or director came for Q&A. I was a little disappointed, I've been a Hoffman fan for years. I even enjoyed that depressing obscure movie "Love Liza" in which he starts huffing gas after the loss of his wife. Anyway, my theater team is awesome. Our box of snacks and goodies disappeared after our first night and so Christa, our outside manager ordered pizza for all of us last night. She gives out little candies to everyone in the waitlist lines. Alexi gave me a tour of backstage at the Rose Wagner. I remember one time my brother Brian took me on the catwalk above one of the stages at the University of Montana. It was really cool to see how the sets came down from the rafters.

Anyway, the hecticness gives me really animated dreams. Last night I dreamt that my bro-in-law Jeff and his wife Mandi were at one of the film receptions, they were standing on the stairs with champagne glasses in their hands, and I was greeting them. They were something big time. I was drinking a beer from the bottle and telling them about the festival. Don't ask me why, it was just in the dream.

SFF1

I've been working the Sundance Film Festival each January for 3 years now. Not a long time, but enough that I feel like a part of it and I know most of the people I'm working with even though I only see them in January. The first year I lived in Salt Lake City I was determined to go to at least one film, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I looked at some movies online and purchased a ticket to a Guatemalan film about a writer that sounded interesting. It wasn't that great, but I was impressed when the director told us afterwards during the Q&A session that some editing changes had been made just hours before showing the movie.

This year I'm working at the Rose Wagner theater in Salt Lake City. Last night I watched most of the movie "Away From Her" with Tyler. It was very good. The next 9 days will all be days that go on long after midnight. But it's fun. I get inspired by people that come from all over for this festival, by locals that support their community, by people's different backgrounds, and of course, by the films. Last year by the Broadway a couple took over the Deli nextdoor just during the festival because they're friends with the owner. For the 10 days of the festival they sold their sockeye salmon tacos each night and none of us volunteers could get enough. They were delicious. It was cool to learn how they fished in Alaska each summer and then had little businesses on the side to support themselves. It's like a 10 day festival about not being afraid to do with your life what you want to and about following your dreams, being open and accepting to new ideas as well. These are the things I value, knowing what I want, acting on my dreams, being open to learning all the time.

49 Times

I went to Boise over the weekend for my uncle's wedding. A lot of my mom's family is there so it was fun to see them, it's been years since I was there. At my aunt's house I looked at a book she had on her coffee table about the Martin and Willie handcart companies. These are two groups of Mormon pioneers who crossed the plains and mountains from Missouri and Illinois to reach the Salt Lake Valley. Their story is tragic because many of them came by ship from Europe and thus started their over-land journey quite late in the season. They were poor and didn't have wagons, but pulled handcarts with their limited supplies of food, clothing, and shelter. Many died along the way, survivors weathered the cold, lack of food, and desperate circumstances. A group of my ancestors travelled in the Willie company. The book had their names listed. It was a collection of historical accounts and facts about their journey and about their rescue as well. When the Mormons in Utah heard that about the plight of those coming to join them they sent men and boys to help rescue those on the other side of the mountain before winter rendered them stuck. One rescuer made the trip 49 times. 49 times. Who will go? This guy went 49 times. Volunteering for such a dangerous rescue mission might cross my mind once, but 49 times is unreal. Rescuers are all heroes, but yesterday, when I saw that, it gave a whole new meaning to volunteering, to helping, to coming to the aid of those in need. 49 times.

"Follow me, reader!"

I just finished reading "The Master and Margarita." A Russian novel by Bulgakov, written during Stalin's rule in the 1930's--when anti-religious propaganda was everywhere. I love a lot of classic Russian literature because the character development is amazing and I also like the religious elements and themes that are often present in the novels. I have to share the idea of this book because I think it's incredible, though I won't reveal too many details lest anyone reading this may ever want to check it out.

Bulgakov's story is about a stranger who comes to Moscow. He poses as a magician at first, but it quickly becomes clear that he is the devil. His role however, is to prove the existence of God. Just before the stranger's arrival, a writer had submitted his novel about Pontius Pilate for publication, only to have it rejected everywhere because the country was primarily atheist at the time and the subject was too controversial. [We get to read the story of Pontius Pilate as its written in his novel.] Following its rejection, the writer becomes very disturbed and committs himself into a mental institute. The writer's lover worships his work and when he burns it she saves a piece from the fire. This scrap becomes instrumental to the story. She doesn't know where he's gone and ends up making a bargain with the devil (unknowingly) to be reunited with her lover, the writer. Then, the story goes back to that of Pontius Pilate. The fate of the writer and his lover is intertwined with that of Pontius Pilate. The writer is only able to finish his novel once it is decided.

I was really blown away by the book. I wish I understood better how much the politics of the times affected the events and perspectives of the characters. Regardless, it's a novel I could reread and never quite grasp, yet enjoy every moment and discuss for countless nights.

sweet honey

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt -- marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

[excerpt from Antionio Machado's "Last Night, As I was Sleeping"]

thank you to the HB's friend

The HB and I went to his friends house to watch the fiesta bowl yesterday. We arrived early and were looking at the pictures on his wall when he told us that he recently had to take down some pictures, pictures of the ex-girlfriend.
I said: "You sure don't want those around when the new girlfriend comes over."
He agreed: "Not that there's a new girlfriend, but I learned a long time ago that girlfriends should never see anything at all related to an ex-girlfriend."

Thank you! I felt validated. I've had a painful week for many reasons, but part of it was due to my hypersensitivity to ex-girlfriend paraphernalia. While I'll admit I may be overly jealous and I know I'm too sensitive, it DOES make me feel better that I am not the only girl who doesn't like this kind of thing. I understand keeping in touch, but what I don't like knowing is: that one was a dancer, this one was a singer, this one is an actress, this one is a model, etc, etc. Maybe it's because my list looks like this: this one was a juvenile delinquent, this one was a porn addict, this one was a player, this one was completely unmotivated, etc., in which case, it seems totally reasonable to have moved on. But in his case it doesn't, and even knowing that he loves me doesn't help me see why he moved on. So I ask, only to know really why it ended, maybe hoping for him to say he has no regrets about it ending. And my asking makes us both uncomfortable, but sometimes I just have to, especially when there are reminders everywhere.

At least now he may know I'm not the only mashochistic female. Men's Health published an article a few years ago, a list of 30 things all women did that their man didn't know about (the article is based on a poll, and I'm sure all women don't do all of these things). Number 7 says: "I have Googled your exes." This just seems like more evidence that all women may wonder about their lover's exes, despite the unhealthiness of those thoughts. I liked the movie Closer because it dealt with that in a way movies have been afraid to before and people have been and are afraid to. I was nervous to watch it with the HB so I watched it alone, but liked it so much that I don't think I'd mind now.

It felt good to not feel like such a freakishly sensitive girl for a while.