the most honest man I've ever known

When I was a senior in college I went to group therapy. All of us were learning to share with our group, but one member was the most honest, the most forthcoming, the most eager to improve. He wanted so badly to be rid of his pain, to understand it, and difficult as it was, to share it, to put it into words.

A homosexual at BYU, he had his share of challenges. And faced with explanations in the media, and religious views, as well as social pressures at BYU, he must have been totally overwhelmed. He must have felt that he had to have a way to explain it to himself. Sometimes he did, he would give different situations from his past that he believed contributed to being a homosexual. His father never played sports with him and he longed for that. He was kind of a preppy boy, not athletic, but he still longed for that closeness with his father.

A small thing he said one day revealed to me his true character—that he was the most honest person I’d ever known. Honest to the point of his own shame and pain, but so earnest that he was willing to dig in repeatedly. The group was sort of monitored by 2 professional psychologists. They attended the meetings, and sort of helped steer them, although they gave little direction and preferred to let us manage the flow. One day halfway through the meeting when my friend was sharing some of his pain about his situation, he said that it made him nervous when one of the therapists sat by him in the circle. Because the therapist was a well-dressed man, attractive, and classy. I couldn’t believe that he would reveal this, even while the therapist was sitting right next to him. But he was so intent on overcoming his feelings of shame, that he would test what he could talk about all of the time. He then expressed that he hoped it didn’t make the therapist uncomfortable, but that he had to say that it made him nervous, even though he wasn’t attracted to him, he recognized the nervousness in himself because he might be attracted to that type of man.

He was the one member who made me feel completely helpless. I couldn’t relate, I could empathize with his pain from growing up, and with the plight of social attitudes, etc. but that was all I could offer. I wanted to love him, and yet, I feared that that reaction was sort of biased, sort of heterosexually rooted, and that I was indirectly, subconsciously judging him, imposing my way of life and love onto another person’s without wanting to. Like maybe I didn’t understand him at all if my reaction was still to want to love him my way.

I think about him all the time, he reminds me how important it is to constantly seek to move to a higher level of connection and communication with others—and also to live, to do that through living true to yourself—as true as one can be to oneself.

Mango perfume oil

Last night, while packing for our camping trip this weekend, I found my mango perfume oil. It was in a side pocket of Tyler’s big army duffle bag. Silly as it sounds to bring perfume camping, I like bringing the oil because it lasts longer and seems more natural. I’d been looking for it and thought it was in my camping bag, forgetting that sometimes we all pack our stuff into Tyler’s bag. I went to bed with the perfume on and could smell it this morning. I’m so happy to have found it, not that I don’t have others, but it just made me happy.

Where is the line?

Can she still call for your help?
Car trouble? Plumbing problems?
Can you still be a nice guy if you don’t help her?
Can I still be your number one if you do?
Can I feel like you are mine only if you are still the one she goes to?
How can I not feel like a second wife, a second-rate wife?
Why can I not feel like you want to protect me and take care of me, but she can expect that of you?

Will there ever be a line where her personal relationship with you ends?
When I’ll stop seeing her name and yours on the mail?
When neighbors will stop remembering it as yours and her house?
Where fellow church-goers will know you and me and not you and her?
When will I be the one your friends and family know you to be with more?
Will they remember you with me more?
When can I feel like you will take care of me?

baby bears

Today I went to see the baby bears they had at Cabelas. They're from Yellowstone's bear world and are soooo adorable. Just two months old, they don't have any teeth yet. I've been lucky to see a lot of bears, growing up in Montana our family took many trips to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park. Last May we saw some grizzlies from our car when we were in Glacier. It was Ty and Caiden's first time there and they lucked out seeing those grizzlies. We even bought some bear spray for our hikes because we went early in the season when the bears are just coming out of hibernation and are hungry.

These babies were the cutest ever though and when I heard that you could hold them, I couldn't resist.

Uninhibited roots

Today I toured the manufacturing site and laboratory for my new job. They make all of the supplements, extracts, etc. there. One of the botanists was explaining to us how they tested samples of the raw material to be sure they'd received the correct material and that it was unadulterated.

He talked about how herbs that are made from the root of the herb are stronger when taken only from the root. He said he can tell if the raw material he received was cut higher up and therefore has more chlorophyll compared to his standard for the herb. This led me to wonder if he can tell whether insects have impacted the plants, and how much, and if certain insects, or certain degrees of impact made the herb unusable for our purposes. To answer me, he explained that, as part of the natural environment, the impact of insects didn't matter much. This didn't surprise me (biology 101), but interestingly enough, he said that some herbs grown in controlled environments failed due to the lack of insects and climate challenges. It is the insects, the droughts, the floods, etc. that give herbs the elements that we're looking for and that makes them more potent. So as long as the root is cut right, it's best to be grown in an uninhibited environment.

It sounded as if the climate challenges and insects built up the plants defenses--gave them character. Doesn't it go to show then, that challenges make us more potent, give us character? I'd like to think that it's best to grow uninhibited so that we can reach our potential, even if that means facing challenges.

Amygdala dreams

The HB and I are learning all about our amygdalas in our class together. It's the lower part of your brain that releases the fight or flight impulse when you feel threatened. We're supposed to stop using that part and move up into our higher brains, but it seems that I just don't have one. Is this possible? Maybe my twin robbed me of mine when were in the womb. (give it up April). I'm sure I have one, it's just so hard to use it. I love our class and I'm glad to know that we're trying to make things better for us, but after each session I feel a little crumbled too, because it's so hard to make those changes.

So I think it's kind of funny that my dream last night was just one fight/flight incident after another, though it didn't start out that way. (Am I supposed to be practicing in my dreams?--that would be cool if I could get good at using my higher brain in my dreams).

First I was at Ty's parents house and I was with Alana and Krystal and I was trying to ask Alana about her recent trip to Hollywood. And then the conversation moved into the bathroom (not weird if you're a girl because we all keep talking as we get ready, do our hair, etc.) Krystal was wearing this old-school underwear with like a long skirt and a corset or something and she got in the bathtub with it on. I get the impression we're all talking.

Then I realized I had to take something to my parents house so I run over there (as if) and drop it off to my mom. My sister-in-law Jen is there and we talk. Then I realize I'll now have to walk all the way back to my house because I didn't drive there and it's a long ways, and I want to get there fast because I know Tyler has to be to work by 8:30.

So I'm running and I run by all these little shops (like on Broadway) and then turn to go south and it's some dark alley and some guy starts running after me and grabs me. By now I'm in some kind of field, the alley just behind me. I'm screaming and there are some people coming into the field from the alley, but I'm scared because it's a couple women and I'm afraid he won't be scared enough to let me go. I elbow him in the stomach and then hit him a few times and he falls unconscious. So then I'm kind of lost because it looks like I"m on a mountaintop and I tell another girl that I have to get home as fast as I can and I know I'm kind of close, but not sure. She brings me to the edge of the mountain and shows me where the exit is for 100 south (there isn't one). Then I know so I start down the mountain. It's steep, but nothing I can't do and I'm just getting behind big rocks my whole way down. But then I'm behind a big rock and I hear a noise on the other side and a huge grizzly bear comes around and sees me and I'm scared to death.

Then I heard Tyler's footsteps and realized it was all a dream. I read once that you always have bad dreams when you're stressed out because it helps relieve some of the stress. But I don't feel that relieved afterwards. I've been really tired lately and my head keeps aching. I'm a little nervous about my new job too--excited, but a little nervous.

Call of Booty

I renamed one of Caiden's video games. Lately, his habit is to call the games by their full name. For example, the game previously referred to as Ghost Recon, is actually Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter. So now, instead of saying he's going to play Star Wars, he's going to play "Star Wars Battlefront." One of his games is a military game called Call of Duty: Finest Hour. I couldn't help, but ask him the other day if he was going to go play "call of booty." Then I couldn't keep from laughing to myself that the full name would be: "call of booty: finest hour." It's my new favorite game.

I love how he makes me laugh. One of the best things about being a mom is finding little soldiers, pennies, rocks, and even flarp in the washer when I'm unloading it.

Last summer was another classic Caiden moment. Caiden and I went for a bike ride to get a slurpee for Caiden and one for Tyler who was working in the yard. He'd been working in the yard most of the day and it was very hot outside. We are going to surprise him with the slurpee. As we pull into the driveway we discussed how to surprise him. Caiden would go ahead while I stay back behind the car with the slurpee so Tyler can’t see it, then Caiden will tell him to shut his eyes. What happened though when we did it was this: Caiden goes ahead and tells Tyler to close his eyes. Then Caiden yells to me from the back yard to wait for him; he says: “Alene, don’t come out with the slurpees yet!” It was so funny.

You're not your job

I've had more jobs than anyone I know at my age. My longest tenure at any job was 2 years. I know changing more often gets you more money, but can look bad too. I don't switch jobs that often on purpose, but it reflects my life. I mean, during college you sort of have to get a new job often--I spent a couple of semesters away and you're always looking for more experience in your field, or the job that pays rent/books better. My college boyfriend said once that I went away every-other semester and he expected me to be going to Africa the semester after the current one. I never made it to Africa, but I did move away again.

Here are the jobs I've had, some were held simultaneously:

During high school:
newspaper delivery route
piano player at the Holiday Inn

after high school:
Dishroom at BYU dorm cafeteria
*30 minutes at Taco Bell
Arby's
Diversified Plastics
Topp Travel
Avis Car Rental
Fabricland
Teleperformance
Samurai Sam's
Marketing Ally
Wirthlin Worldwide
CNA office secretary

after undergrad:
GEM School in Japan
secretary at Family History office in Church Office Building
sales associate at Sharper Image
secretary at Curriculum writer's office in Church Office Building

during MBA:
**Travel & visa agent at Missionary travel in Church Office Building--2 years
Sales rep for Dish Network

after MBA:
sales Rep for Dish Network
event-based marketing assistant for City Weekly

starting in 2 weeks: Marketing Coordinator for Nutraceutical


*I went into work but began to feel as if I might faint. Just before doing so I walked out the door and into the parking lot where I vomitted for a few minutes. Then I walked back in and said I was done. I was too embarrassed to ever go back.

**this job was the hardest job to leave even though I wanted to for a long time--I felt like such a part of the global community. I felt touched by every country I worked with and learned about and by every person. I always want to know more about the people that I know, and I want to know everyone deeply. I want to be Eve.

hooking up with the HB

The first time I met Tyler was when I went to his house with his brother and a friend to watch a movie. He called me the next day. I thought he was married--he had a son and I had naively assumed that his wife was out that night. I quickly figured out that he was not married and accepted the date. I was dating a lot at the time. A month earlier one of my good friends had proposed to me and I'd had to turn him down and break it off. I was on a breather with my long-time ex and also casually dating a guy from my gym.

We went out. I continued going out with others while we kept going out. It was hard, I always wanted more space. Tyler kept telling me to call him, anytime. I thought he wanted to hang out more, but couldn't tell sometimes. And besides when I wasn't out with him I was out with other guys, so I never really got the space I needed, a night to myself sometimes. And Tyler kept telling me he wasn't a player and wasn't out looking for action. He talked about another girl-friend often, leading me to believe he didn't want a romantic relationship at all.

I broke it off with the guy at my gym. I started spending more time with the friend I"d first gone over to his house with. Then I ended up making out with that friend and told Tyler I couldn't see him anymore. Nothing serious with the friend, but enough to make their acquaintance with each other awkward with me involved.

Then I went out a few times with a different guy from the gym. I also reconnected with my old boyfriend. And I had occasional random dates as well.

I started my MBA program. I stopped seeing the mutual friend and the other guy at the gym. I kind of stopped dating altogether--by that I mean for like 2 weeks.

Then I sent an email to Tyler, we hadn't been in touch for several weeks and just thought I'd be friendly, see what was up. I wanted to talk to him, but part of me was afraid. I think I knew in my heart that once I talked to him again there was no turning back, I knew he was the one I'd be with forever and that thought scared me a little. So, with a little help from mine and Tyler's friend Tim, we got it together and once we did, we never missed a day seeing each other. Six months later we got married.

Coping Agents

Yesterday I was rear-ended. The day before yesterday, my passenger side-view mirror blew off of my car while I was driving on the interstate. It was glued down over a year ago from being knocked off once before, and it eventually came loose. Wednesday, the HB and I had an argument before going to our first session of the marriage coaching class we're taking. And Wednesday I notified my boss that I'd be starting a new job. Though none of these things are overwhelmingly detrimental, the combination could usually get me feeling pretty emotional.

(Not that I'm not usually very emotional. One time in college I'd just moved into the apartment with a new set of rooommates, some I knew. We started talking about how female apartments often end up with their time-of-the-month coinciding because of so much time spent together. One of the girls joked how she wondered which of us we would all synchronize with and then declared that it wouldn't be her because she isn't that emotional. Shortly thereafter, everyone pinpointed me as the emotional one, the one whose period the other girls would involuntarily end up synchronizing with due to the powerful effects of hormones. Yes, I am very emotional.)

It's always good to have some coping agents though, something that makes you feel good or feel strong.

Silly as it may sound, one of those coping agents is just doing the marriage class. It may sound contrary to be excited about it, but that's because I hate not doing something about things. I hate stagnance. I'd rather do something. The truth can only emerge from error right? The truth can't come from nothing or nowhere.

Another agent or agents I should say are my girlfriends. After much delay, I finally got together with some girlfriends for dinner the other night. It felt so good, so refreshing. I need those things. Thanks Kristin and Laura!

And just because I still feel refreshed from this as well, I'll say night showers. I'm pretty routine, I take my shower every morning after my workout. I know that I like showering at night, but often when it comes around it doesn't seem worth the effort and it seems pointless since I'll only shower again in the morning. But I did it last night for the first time in months and it felt sooooo good.

There are a lot of other things out there, that make me feel good, and strong, and rejuvenated, but I'll leave it at that for now.

**and the HB is a wonderful coping agent himself--he supports me and helps me through numerous issues. I love you babe!

Job Offer

I just got a great job offer. It's doing exactly what I want to be doing, marketing, and for an industry I'm more interested in--health, rather than television. It pays over 10K more than what I'm currently making so just having finished the MBA might pay off. Now I just have to decide if I really want to change right now. My job is such a piece of cake and totally flexible. You couldn't ask for more freedom at work and easy money. So, is it worth it? I have a lot of thinking to do.

tattoo convention

I signed up to help work the Tattoo convention in Salt Lake this weekend. Got some swag out of it and watched a few people fall off the mechanical bull. I'd never get a tattoo, I totally cried when I got stitches a couple of summers ago. But if I did...

I'm not into the whole filling up space. I think less is more--in everything--in furniture, in body art, etc. At my brothers graduation there was a girl with a cool tattoo, it was the outline of a globe, just the outline of all the continents, across her back. I dug that. I also thought about doing a set of baby footprints.

Some older guy from Wyoming kept coming by my booth. He eventually told me that I was "fine". I started to ignore him after that, I mean, I like to be friendly, but I don't want old creepy guys to think I'm interested in them.

the biggest studs

The little stud gave me a Superman Valentine. He taught me how to play the new Pacman game on the XBox. He's so sweet.

If you want to know what the big stud gave me besides these pretty flowers, watch the recent SNL skit with Justin Timberlake. : ) The HB is way too manly to be called "hubby," a nick-name I despise, hence the invention of "the HB." This guy can rip up floors and build new ones, play army with his son, hold little babies tenderly, and kiss me passionately. He bought me this beautiful bouquet of roses and took me to sushi. Thanks baby. Here's a picture of the stud.

Wild Nights

Maybe it was watching the news on the shootings at Trolley Square for hours last night. Or maybe it was all the anxiety surrounding my aching LCL. It was hard to sleep because a knee injury or any sport injury is my greatest fear--to not be able to be active. I'm not sure, but I had some crazy dreams last night. My recollections are:

Being in a dorm-room with strangers as if staying at EFY or something. It must have been late in the week because I was tired when everyone else was going to go out. I just told my roommate that I was going to go sit in the hot tub and so I changed into my bathing suit.

Then I remembered that I left the bus running over at the museum/park where I was leading a tour earlier and that I had to pick up the bus because it was probably still driving around by itself. So I put some sweats on over my suit and made April drive her car behind mine over to the museum/park to pick up the bus. She dropped me off and left but then I realized if I got the bus under control and drove it back I'd still have to have her bring me back again to pick up my car.

Then I'm at this park with a building in the center, I guess a museum. And I'm chasing down this bus that's driving itself. But I momentarily lose it so I crawl up a tree that is overhanging a bridge sort of. Then I'm scared because it's dark and I'm alone and I look up in the tree and there's a sleeping bear. Then I look over and on the same branch as me is a sleeping lion. Then I suddenly feel a horse's nose nudge my back and he sticks his face next to mine and I pet him. Then along the bridge comes an older man with a group of kids he's leading. They toss me a rope to get from the tree onto the bridge, but I keep shushing them to not wake up the animals. The horse comes onto the bridge at the same time as me. We all walk away together.

Toasters

My favorite sandwich shop is downtown Salt Lake. It's owner moved here from Bosnia. He always greets me with a smile, remembers my order, my husband, and my job. The place is called Toasters. They don't quite toast the bread, but perfectly warmed and then give it some balsamic vinegar right on it. They serve their sandwiches with plain potato chips and they sell all sorts of European chocolate bars as well. He changes the art out occasionally, but there are some prints--mostly travel brochure-type posters and some art. Some of the posters were donated to him when Olympians from around the world came to Salt Lake City--I love his stuff. Plus it's small, there's a bright yellow couch, and some paper lantern-type lighting that sit against the one wall that's brick. Today the HB and I were there, and after talking to the owner he brought me over a chocolate bar. He just gave it to me. It was so nice.

Eternal Embrace

Knowing my fascination with the macabre, the HB sent me an article with these photos yesterday. The skeletons were found by archaeologists in Italy and are suspected to be 5000-6000 years old. They are the bones of a man and a woman.

I had a teacher in elementary school who used to read us books about famous people in history. One of the books was about Marie Curie and after hearing the story I told my mom I wanted to be a scientist. (This was not typical of me at all, I also remember telling her I wanted to be a waitress.) But it was because Marie Curie was a scientist and she had found gold once. She was actually famous for her work with chemicals, radiation, etc. Anyway, that was the beginning. And I'd always loved history, old things, Bible stories, and learning about the Maya. Then I also wanted to do archaeology to have an outdoor job because I love the outdoors.

My career in archaeology went as far as my field school in Escalante--it got re-buried. After excavating 2 Anasazi pithouses one summer and doing 3 weeks of archaeological survey we reburied our findings to leave the natural environment, saving only portions of what we'd found. I liked the actual work, the digging in the hot sun, not the boring archaeological reports and the speculative nature of the job. I hope that if someone were to dig up my house and find nothing but candy wrappers they wouldn't assume that was my primary means of sustenance.

Still though the idea of doing archaeology is romantic to me, it's alluring and always will be. It's not treasure, just the idea of seeing life through different eyes and learning what makes life meaningful to people. These bones say it all.

SLAMMY'S

A few months back I took on a sort of on-call job with City Weekly's marketing staff. Whenever they need some extra help they send me an email and if I can do it, I get paid in "trade"--mostly certificates for local restaurants, etc. that the paper advertises for. Last night I went to help out with the SLAMMY's competition. It's sort of like a Battle of the Bands and these were the preliminaries. The first two groups were some hip-hop groups. Who knew Salt Lake had local hip-hop groups? Sounds naive, but even though every place has local bands, I never considered us having local hip-hop bands. The first one was pretty good, but the second seemed to be trying too hard to look bad-A. The fourth band was my favorite, sort of psychodelic-type rock, they were really awesome. Throughout this, I passed out anti-smoking T-shirts to the crowds of smokers all around me and counted ballots. My throat is still sore this morning.

I seem to have a problem always over-committing myself. I love doing events because you meet new people, see live music / movies / art, etc. and all of that makes me feel alive, but when I'm doing too many things it may be better to just stay at home for once. I want to get the most out of life that I can, but only if it's meaningful.

The night before last Tyler took me to sushi for the first time. We went to Ginza with our good friend Tim who is moving soon. Ginza was cool because it was small like most Japanese restaurants are. I think that's why I like sandwich shops so much, maybe just because they're small.

Around 2 in the morning that night I woke up to loud banging on our door. Ty's brother and his friend were staying at our house that night and so I thought maybe they'd gotten locked out (they went to the store when we went to bed). Tyler went to check though and they were both on our living room floor, so he opened the door to two huge policemen with flashlights and a dog. The dog had followed the scent of a suspect up to our very front porch. I guess there'd been a drive-by shooting somewhere and after the cops followed the suspects cars and saw him crash, he took off on foot. So they searched our house, but my heart was pounding like crazy. I kept thinking, what if he's hiding in our yard? Our basement? It really sort of freaked me out.

I'm so tired today. I can't wait to go watch the superbowl to see April's new baby and play with Lanik.

Bowen

The baby's name is Bowen. He is so sweet and so soft and so cute. These are some pics taken on his birthday.

new nephew

April had her second baby boy tonight. I had to keep myself from bawling when he was first born. Nothing is more beautiful than birth. He weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces.

April is the most beautiful woman I know. She's my twin sister and has been my best friend my whole life. She's a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. I feel so close to her, even though sometimes we have hardly anything to say to each other. Even though we've lived clear across the globe from each other.

I heard once that friendships between women start with huge confessions, emotional bonding--they start deep and gradually become relationships of comfort--you shift to mostly small talk, but never forget the bond you have. And supposedly it's the opposite for men--friendships between two men--they only proceed beyond small talk after the friendship have existed for years and years. I wouldn't exactly say this is the case with my sister and I, we still have plenty of emotional discussions, but I think this idea is interesting. Because I think most of my girl-friendships have been that way.

I spent most of my day in the hospital with her and Bill. When I got home Caiden had just gotten into bed. I layed next to him for a few minutes, talking about his day. He must have really felt like talking, because I didn't even have to ask him--he just talked and talked for about 10 minutes. He told me there were 19,555 kids at his school and that to walk around the entire building was 12 miles. And then on and on about the duties at recess and some different kinds of keys and everything. It was funny that he'd come up with those exact numbers--he didn't say there were "about" 19,555 kids at his school, he's convinced that there are exactly that many. He's so sweet. I love him so much.

Best of Fest

Best of Fest is for locals to get a chance to see two of the award winning films from Sundance when the festival is over. The tickets are free so we were very busy packing the theater as full as we could last night. I had to keep walking through and count seats, asking people to move in, are the people they're saving the seat for really coming back, etc.

After we loaded the theater there was one woman waiting in the lobby who asked to speak with me. (She asked if I was someone who had some "clout"--I hate that word.) I assumed she was just upset about not getting in to see the movie, but it was something much more elaborate. She then proceeded to tell me how several years ago she'd taken her four daughters to a beauty pageant and there she'd met James Baldwin. Apparently he'd just been through AA and they started talking and she wanted to mail him a Book of Mormon. He'd given her his address, but she'd lost it and wondered if I knew someone who could send it to him.??

I was kind of taken aback. Then she told me how she'd prepared the package, one for James Baldwin and one for Michael and Kathryn Douglas who she had also met. She had written a nice letter and packaged them up in manila envelopes, taped them up, and written her return address on each with their names for the delivery address. And she really just wanted someone to send them for her so she could get it off her chest. She really wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I kept telling her that I didn't want to take that responsibility. She'd say "Well I really feel like I have to do it because I came all the way downtown and I got a parking place and everything and I didn't get into the movie. I just want to feel like my time was worth it. You look like a nice girl, I can give these to you and you can find the right person to send them on."

Finally I just said I'd check with someone else, walked over to the other Sundance manager and asked her to pretend I was checking something, came back and told the woman again that I didn't want that responsibility. That I'm not part of Sundance staff, I don't know who would mail it for her or have that address information if anyone even did. I told her I was a volunteer manager and that I didn't want to and couldn't do anything for her. Then she asked if the people over at Trolley Square (where they were selling festival tickets and merchandise during the festival) might have more "clout." All I said was "maybe" and that got her off my chest. I really do feel sorry for her, but did she really think I was going to mail some packages to James Baldwin and Michael Douglas for her?

And that's how this year ended. Between shows I went to Squatters with the other manager, her husband, one of the volunteers, and his friend. It was fun to just hang out for a bit and I hope we all get together again before next year, but sometimes that's just the way it goes.