You're not your job

I've had more jobs than anyone I know at my age. My longest tenure at any job was 2 years. I know changing more often gets you more money, but can look bad too. I don't switch jobs that often on purpose, but it reflects my life. I mean, during college you sort of have to get a new job often--I spent a couple of semesters away and you're always looking for more experience in your field, or the job that pays rent/books better. My college boyfriend said once that I went away every-other semester and he expected me to be going to Africa the semester after the current one. I never made it to Africa, but I did move away again.

Here are the jobs I've had, some were held simultaneously:

During high school:
newspaper delivery route
piano player at the Holiday Inn

after high school:
Dishroom at BYU dorm cafeteria
*30 minutes at Taco Bell
Arby's
Diversified Plastics
Topp Travel
Avis Car Rental
Fabricland
Teleperformance
Samurai Sam's
Marketing Ally
Wirthlin Worldwide
CNA office secretary

after undergrad:
GEM School in Japan
secretary at Family History office in Church Office Building
sales associate at Sharper Image
secretary at Curriculum writer's office in Church Office Building

during MBA:
**Travel & visa agent at Missionary travel in Church Office Building--2 years
Sales rep for Dish Network

after MBA:
sales Rep for Dish Network
event-based marketing assistant for City Weekly

starting in 2 weeks: Marketing Coordinator for Nutraceutical


*I went into work but began to feel as if I might faint. Just before doing so I walked out the door and into the parking lot where I vomitted for a few minutes. Then I walked back in and said I was done. I was too embarrassed to ever go back.

**this job was the hardest job to leave even though I wanted to for a long time--I felt like such a part of the global community. I felt touched by every country I worked with and learned about and by every person. I always want to know more about the people that I know, and I want to know everyone deeply. I want to be Eve.

hooking up with the HB

The first time I met Tyler was when I went to his house with his brother and a friend to watch a movie. He called me the next day. I thought he was married--he had a son and I had naively assumed that his wife was out that night. I quickly figured out that he was not married and accepted the date. I was dating a lot at the time. A month earlier one of my good friends had proposed to me and I'd had to turn him down and break it off. I was on a breather with my long-time ex and also casually dating a guy from my gym.

We went out. I continued going out with others while we kept going out. It was hard, I always wanted more space. Tyler kept telling me to call him, anytime. I thought he wanted to hang out more, but couldn't tell sometimes. And besides when I wasn't out with him I was out with other guys, so I never really got the space I needed, a night to myself sometimes. And Tyler kept telling me he wasn't a player and wasn't out looking for action. He talked about another girl-friend often, leading me to believe he didn't want a romantic relationship at all.

I broke it off with the guy at my gym. I started spending more time with the friend I"d first gone over to his house with. Then I ended up making out with that friend and told Tyler I couldn't see him anymore. Nothing serious with the friend, but enough to make their acquaintance with each other awkward with me involved.

Then I went out a few times with a different guy from the gym. I also reconnected with my old boyfriend. And I had occasional random dates as well.

I started my MBA program. I stopped seeing the mutual friend and the other guy at the gym. I kind of stopped dating altogether--by that I mean for like 2 weeks.

Then I sent an email to Tyler, we hadn't been in touch for several weeks and just thought I'd be friendly, see what was up. I wanted to talk to him, but part of me was afraid. I think I knew in my heart that once I talked to him again there was no turning back, I knew he was the one I'd be with forever and that thought scared me a little. So, with a little help from mine and Tyler's friend Tim, we got it together and once we did, we never missed a day seeing each other. Six months later we got married.

Coping Agents

Yesterday I was rear-ended. The day before yesterday, my passenger side-view mirror blew off of my car while I was driving on the interstate. It was glued down over a year ago from being knocked off once before, and it eventually came loose. Wednesday, the HB and I had an argument before going to our first session of the marriage coaching class we're taking. And Wednesday I notified my boss that I'd be starting a new job. Though none of these things are overwhelmingly detrimental, the combination could usually get me feeling pretty emotional.

(Not that I'm not usually very emotional. One time in college I'd just moved into the apartment with a new set of rooommates, some I knew. We started talking about how female apartments often end up with their time-of-the-month coinciding because of so much time spent together. One of the girls joked how she wondered which of us we would all synchronize with and then declared that it wouldn't be her because she isn't that emotional. Shortly thereafter, everyone pinpointed me as the emotional one, the one whose period the other girls would involuntarily end up synchronizing with due to the powerful effects of hormones. Yes, I am very emotional.)

It's always good to have some coping agents though, something that makes you feel good or feel strong.

Silly as it may sound, one of those coping agents is just doing the marriage class. It may sound contrary to be excited about it, but that's because I hate not doing something about things. I hate stagnance. I'd rather do something. The truth can only emerge from error right? The truth can't come from nothing or nowhere.

Another agent or agents I should say are my girlfriends. After much delay, I finally got together with some girlfriends for dinner the other night. It felt so good, so refreshing. I need those things. Thanks Kristin and Laura!

And just because I still feel refreshed from this as well, I'll say night showers. I'm pretty routine, I take my shower every morning after my workout. I know that I like showering at night, but often when it comes around it doesn't seem worth the effort and it seems pointless since I'll only shower again in the morning. But I did it last night for the first time in months and it felt sooooo good.

There are a lot of other things out there, that make me feel good, and strong, and rejuvenated, but I'll leave it at that for now.

**and the HB is a wonderful coping agent himself--he supports me and helps me through numerous issues. I love you babe!

Job Offer

I just got a great job offer. It's doing exactly what I want to be doing, marketing, and for an industry I'm more interested in--health, rather than television. It pays over 10K more than what I'm currently making so just having finished the MBA might pay off. Now I just have to decide if I really want to change right now. My job is such a piece of cake and totally flexible. You couldn't ask for more freedom at work and easy money. So, is it worth it? I have a lot of thinking to do.

tattoo convention

I signed up to help work the Tattoo convention in Salt Lake this weekend. Got some swag out of it and watched a few people fall off the mechanical bull. I'd never get a tattoo, I totally cried when I got stitches a couple of summers ago. But if I did...

I'm not into the whole filling up space. I think less is more--in everything--in furniture, in body art, etc. At my brothers graduation there was a girl with a cool tattoo, it was the outline of a globe, just the outline of all the continents, across her back. I dug that. I also thought about doing a set of baby footprints.

Some older guy from Wyoming kept coming by my booth. He eventually told me that I was "fine". I started to ignore him after that, I mean, I like to be friendly, but I don't want old creepy guys to think I'm interested in them.

the biggest studs

The little stud gave me a Superman Valentine. He taught me how to play the new Pacman game on the XBox. He's so sweet.

If you want to know what the big stud gave me besides these pretty flowers, watch the recent SNL skit with Justin Timberlake. : ) The HB is way too manly to be called "hubby," a nick-name I despise, hence the invention of "the HB." This guy can rip up floors and build new ones, play army with his son, hold little babies tenderly, and kiss me passionately. He bought me this beautiful bouquet of roses and took me to sushi. Thanks baby. Here's a picture of the stud.

Wild Nights

Maybe it was watching the news on the shootings at Trolley Square for hours last night. Or maybe it was all the anxiety surrounding my aching LCL. It was hard to sleep because a knee injury or any sport injury is my greatest fear--to not be able to be active. I'm not sure, but I had some crazy dreams last night. My recollections are:

Being in a dorm-room with strangers as if staying at EFY or something. It must have been late in the week because I was tired when everyone else was going to go out. I just told my roommate that I was going to go sit in the hot tub and so I changed into my bathing suit.

Then I remembered that I left the bus running over at the museum/park where I was leading a tour earlier and that I had to pick up the bus because it was probably still driving around by itself. So I put some sweats on over my suit and made April drive her car behind mine over to the museum/park to pick up the bus. She dropped me off and left but then I realized if I got the bus under control and drove it back I'd still have to have her bring me back again to pick up my car.

Then I'm at this park with a building in the center, I guess a museum. And I'm chasing down this bus that's driving itself. But I momentarily lose it so I crawl up a tree that is overhanging a bridge sort of. Then I'm scared because it's dark and I'm alone and I look up in the tree and there's a sleeping bear. Then I look over and on the same branch as me is a sleeping lion. Then I suddenly feel a horse's nose nudge my back and he sticks his face next to mine and I pet him. Then along the bridge comes an older man with a group of kids he's leading. They toss me a rope to get from the tree onto the bridge, but I keep shushing them to not wake up the animals. The horse comes onto the bridge at the same time as me. We all walk away together.

Toasters

My favorite sandwich shop is downtown Salt Lake. It's owner moved here from Bosnia. He always greets me with a smile, remembers my order, my husband, and my job. The place is called Toasters. They don't quite toast the bread, but perfectly warmed and then give it some balsamic vinegar right on it. They serve their sandwiches with plain potato chips and they sell all sorts of European chocolate bars as well. He changes the art out occasionally, but there are some prints--mostly travel brochure-type posters and some art. Some of the posters were donated to him when Olympians from around the world came to Salt Lake City--I love his stuff. Plus it's small, there's a bright yellow couch, and some paper lantern-type lighting that sit against the one wall that's brick. Today the HB and I were there, and after talking to the owner he brought me over a chocolate bar. He just gave it to me. It was so nice.

Eternal Embrace

Knowing my fascination with the macabre, the HB sent me an article with these photos yesterday. The skeletons were found by archaeologists in Italy and are suspected to be 5000-6000 years old. They are the bones of a man and a woman.

I had a teacher in elementary school who used to read us books about famous people in history. One of the books was about Marie Curie and after hearing the story I told my mom I wanted to be a scientist. (This was not typical of me at all, I also remember telling her I wanted to be a waitress.) But it was because Marie Curie was a scientist and she had found gold once. She was actually famous for her work with chemicals, radiation, etc. Anyway, that was the beginning. And I'd always loved history, old things, Bible stories, and learning about the Maya. Then I also wanted to do archaeology to have an outdoor job because I love the outdoors.

My career in archaeology went as far as my field school in Escalante--it got re-buried. After excavating 2 Anasazi pithouses one summer and doing 3 weeks of archaeological survey we reburied our findings to leave the natural environment, saving only portions of what we'd found. I liked the actual work, the digging in the hot sun, not the boring archaeological reports and the speculative nature of the job. I hope that if someone were to dig up my house and find nothing but candy wrappers they wouldn't assume that was my primary means of sustenance.

Still though the idea of doing archaeology is romantic to me, it's alluring and always will be. It's not treasure, just the idea of seeing life through different eyes and learning what makes life meaningful to people. These bones say it all.

SLAMMY'S

A few months back I took on a sort of on-call job with City Weekly's marketing staff. Whenever they need some extra help they send me an email and if I can do it, I get paid in "trade"--mostly certificates for local restaurants, etc. that the paper advertises for. Last night I went to help out with the SLAMMY's competition. It's sort of like a Battle of the Bands and these were the preliminaries. The first two groups were some hip-hop groups. Who knew Salt Lake had local hip-hop groups? Sounds naive, but even though every place has local bands, I never considered us having local hip-hop bands. The first one was pretty good, but the second seemed to be trying too hard to look bad-A. The fourth band was my favorite, sort of psychodelic-type rock, they were really awesome. Throughout this, I passed out anti-smoking T-shirts to the crowds of smokers all around me and counted ballots. My throat is still sore this morning.

I seem to have a problem always over-committing myself. I love doing events because you meet new people, see live music / movies / art, etc. and all of that makes me feel alive, but when I'm doing too many things it may be better to just stay at home for once. I want to get the most out of life that I can, but only if it's meaningful.

The night before last Tyler took me to sushi for the first time. We went to Ginza with our good friend Tim who is moving soon. Ginza was cool because it was small like most Japanese restaurants are. I think that's why I like sandwich shops so much, maybe just because they're small.

Around 2 in the morning that night I woke up to loud banging on our door. Ty's brother and his friend were staying at our house that night and so I thought maybe they'd gotten locked out (they went to the store when we went to bed). Tyler went to check though and they were both on our living room floor, so he opened the door to two huge policemen with flashlights and a dog. The dog had followed the scent of a suspect up to our very front porch. I guess there'd been a drive-by shooting somewhere and after the cops followed the suspects cars and saw him crash, he took off on foot. So they searched our house, but my heart was pounding like crazy. I kept thinking, what if he's hiding in our yard? Our basement? It really sort of freaked me out.

I'm so tired today. I can't wait to go watch the superbowl to see April's new baby and play with Lanik.

Bowen

The baby's name is Bowen. He is so sweet and so soft and so cute. These are some pics taken on his birthday.

new nephew

April had her second baby boy tonight. I had to keep myself from bawling when he was first born. Nothing is more beautiful than birth. He weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces.

April is the most beautiful woman I know. She's my twin sister and has been my best friend my whole life. She's a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. I feel so close to her, even though sometimes we have hardly anything to say to each other. Even though we've lived clear across the globe from each other.

I heard once that friendships between women start with huge confessions, emotional bonding--they start deep and gradually become relationships of comfort--you shift to mostly small talk, but never forget the bond you have. And supposedly it's the opposite for men--friendships between two men--they only proceed beyond small talk after the friendship have existed for years and years. I wouldn't exactly say this is the case with my sister and I, we still have plenty of emotional discussions, but I think this idea is interesting. Because I think most of my girl-friendships have been that way.

I spent most of my day in the hospital with her and Bill. When I got home Caiden had just gotten into bed. I layed next to him for a few minutes, talking about his day. He must have really felt like talking, because I didn't even have to ask him--he just talked and talked for about 10 minutes. He told me there were 19,555 kids at his school and that to walk around the entire building was 12 miles. And then on and on about the duties at recess and some different kinds of keys and everything. It was funny that he'd come up with those exact numbers--he didn't say there were "about" 19,555 kids at his school, he's convinced that there are exactly that many. He's so sweet. I love him so much.

Best of Fest

Best of Fest is for locals to get a chance to see two of the award winning films from Sundance when the festival is over. The tickets are free so we were very busy packing the theater as full as we could last night. I had to keep walking through and count seats, asking people to move in, are the people they're saving the seat for really coming back, etc.

After we loaded the theater there was one woman waiting in the lobby who asked to speak with me. (She asked if I was someone who had some "clout"--I hate that word.) I assumed she was just upset about not getting in to see the movie, but it was something much more elaborate. She then proceeded to tell me how several years ago she'd taken her four daughters to a beauty pageant and there she'd met James Baldwin. Apparently he'd just been through AA and they started talking and she wanted to mail him a Book of Mormon. He'd given her his address, but she'd lost it and wondered if I knew someone who could send it to him.??

I was kind of taken aback. Then she told me how she'd prepared the package, one for James Baldwin and one for Michael and Kathryn Douglas who she had also met. She had written a nice letter and packaged them up in manila envelopes, taped them up, and written her return address on each with their names for the delivery address. And she really just wanted someone to send them for her so she could get it off her chest. She really wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I kept telling her that I didn't want to take that responsibility. She'd say "Well I really feel like I have to do it because I came all the way downtown and I got a parking place and everything and I didn't get into the movie. I just want to feel like my time was worth it. You look like a nice girl, I can give these to you and you can find the right person to send them on."

Finally I just said I'd check with someone else, walked over to the other Sundance manager and asked her to pretend I was checking something, came back and told the woman again that I didn't want that responsibility. That I'm not part of Sundance staff, I don't know who would mail it for her or have that address information if anyone even did. I told her I was a volunteer manager and that I didn't want to and couldn't do anything for her. Then she asked if the people over at Trolley Square (where they were selling festival tickets and merchandise during the festival) might have more "clout." All I said was "maybe" and that got her off my chest. I really do feel sorry for her, but did she really think I was going to mail some packages to James Baldwin and Michael Douglas for her?

And that's how this year ended. Between shows I went to Squatters with the other manager, her husband, one of the volunteers, and his friend. It was fun to just hang out for a bit and I hope we all get together again before next year, but sometimes that's just the way it goes.

SFF10

Last official day today and I got off early. I have tons of stuff to catch up on, sleep being at the top of my list. I do have to work tomorrow night at the "best of fest" screenings in Salt Lake. But it'll be fast and easy.

My team was awesome and it was fun to get to know all the people I did this year. Also, one of my volunteers wrote about us to the volunteer department, it felt good to read this email as forwarded on to me:

Hi --

Not really sure who I'm speaking to, but I'm trying to get in touch with whomever is the supervisor of the theater managers in Salt Lake. I just want to express how great mine were. I worked in Park City last year with a manager who was as pyscho as the stalker she made us escort out. At that point in time, I was pretty sure I would have had more fun pulling my toe-nails out with sharp sticks.

But this year, I worked at the Rose Wagner theater and the managers -- A-----, C------, Alene and A---- (I think that's how each of their names are spelled) were just great. And I want to leave them thank-you cookies, but you know how cookies -- even when labeled -- tend to disappear faster than Winona Ryder from The 10 premiere. So instead I'm trying to go about this with metaphorical cookies, by way of reaching a supervisor. Therefore, if this message could please reach its intended recipeint, I would be very grateful. I had a fun, fantastic festival thus far, and the managers had a heavy hand in that. So thanks to them. Many times over.

Thanks for your time,

J--- B----

SFF9

As mentioned, the HB and I did a double-feature after my shift. I loved both movies--they were creative, fun to watch, and made me think. Sometimes I felt annoyed though during Black Snake Moan even though I really liked it. I don't mind sexuality in movies, but at times it seemed this was just some porno-pervert's fantasy being played out. Does every guy have the dream of dragging around some hot naked chic on a chain? And did Samuel L. Jackson's character have to wait until she'd been at his house for 2 days to get her some clothes? I think I take everything too personally. I really like it when Samuel L. Jackson busted out the blues playing at the bar and everyone got down. I wished I could.

SFF8

I took a short nap between my workday and my Sundance stint. I'm paranoid that I'll get sick as soon as this is over because I'm so tired.

Jeff and Mandi came up to Salt Lake City to watch the movie "Chapter 27" with Tyler and I. It was about Mark Chapman, the guy who killed John Lennon. The movie was really well done. As expected, it drew a lot from the book "Catcher in the Rye"--a book I've loved since I read it as a teenager. It was interesting to see how he'd gone crazy though and twisted the book's meaning and disillusionsed himself in so many ways.

SFF7

Last night Tyler brought me a Red Bull while I was working with his written prescription: Take one of these and see me at midnight.

It was really sweet because I was so tired and it was a very busy night. The other manager wanted to leave early tonight and we'd already arranged. So after we had seated the last show and done our ticket report she left. Then, just about 10 minutes before the movie was supposed to be over the director showed up. Usually the entourage staff is supposed to let us know if anyone from the film is coming. They didn't so we assumed no, which means that when we introduced the film we told the audience there would be no Q&A afterwards so they don't need to stick around. I was totally surprised that he had come, but knew everyone would love to hear from him. So for a few minutes I was frantic, trying to get the projectionist to get ready to turn on the mic and turn on the house lights as soon as the credits roll so I can quickly announce the director/writer before anyone gets up. Plus I didn't know his name and didn't want to ask him so I got another volunteer to go downstairs and look in the catalog and tell me on my headset so he didn't know. (thank you Tina!) I guess it all went well though. None of the cast came, but Michael Douglas was in the film. The last question from the audience was:
"What makes a guy like MIchael Douglas do a film like this--one that pays very little?"

The director/writer hesitates, then says "I don't know. Why do any of us do it? Why are we all here?" Then he steps down and walks out.

It was interesting because at first he seemed annoyed that the question wasn't really for him but more for Michael Douglas--but to me it ended well because it made us all ask ourselves why we love independent film? What's so great about Sundance? Because these guys get the chance to tell their story and it must be great to have a big name actor think the story is so great too that they want to be in it. The movie was called "King of California" and was really good.

SFF6

Last night we went up to Park City to check out some more flicks. Again, we made a last minute decision. We got up there later than we wanted to and the theater looked too packed for the one we wanted to see. So we watched the worst movie I've ever seen in my life "Khadak." A story about a Mongolian herder whose family is forced to move to the city. And he has epilepsy. I think there were 5 spoken words in the movie. Sometimes I just wanted to scream "someone please say something!!!" and I think my fidgeti-ness would have driven Tyler nuts if the rest of the audience wasn't either fidgeting like crazy too or fast asleep. A few people left midway through, and honestly, I wish I had been one of them. But I endured it and then was rewarded with my favorite nachos at the Wasatch Brew Pub at the top of Main Street. Usually I like nachos with tons of stuff on them--black beans, cheese, onions, olives, tomatoes, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, etc. These ones are pretty basic, but the key is the tons of cheese they put on and jalapenos. They are so good.

Then the HB and I waited outside the Egyptian to see the popular film "Fido." We were determined not to miss this one and so got in line early and were able to see it. It was scheduled at midnight, the midnight movies are always fun movies and the crowd is fun too. Most people have already done a lot of partying. "Fido" was about a small conservative community in the future that appears almost like Pleasantville. Carrie-Ann Moss from the Matrix plays the housewife. Everyone on the street has a pet zombie that does their chores for them and she's jealous and so she gets one. (The zombies have been electronically collared to quench their appetite for human flesh). The son becomes immediate friends with the zombie and zombie starts falling for the mom/housewife. It was hilariously entertaining. A late night well worth it.

SFF5

I was really tired and also frustrated with some volunteers that didn't really want to help out, only take advantage and see movies. There are some perks to volunteering and often you can watch some movies even on your shift if things are not too busy, but it's so frustrating when they expect that, and complain about not having snacks or wanting to go home early because they got up early and went skiing. Shouldn't they take responsibility for the shifts they signed up for? It's their fault if they went skiing. Here's a great quote by Livingstone that goes along with what I was feeling:

"If you have men who will only come if they know there is a good road, I don't want them. I want men who will come if there is no road at all."

Then I went out to my car, anxious that I might have gotten a parking ticket. I parked in a $3 lot and only had $1, so I took the risk. Sure enough, there was a parking ticket, and on the back of it was this hand-written note. This was not the kind of note to get when it's midnight, you have to sit in your cold car for 10 minutes to defrost and warm it up before driving home. I showed it to Tyler when I got home and wanted himt to get mad with me. He's so good, he did. Then I cried just for a second--I just needed to let out some of the energy my body had been building up to survive another night on very little sleep.

SFF4

I met Tyler in Park City to see some movies. We got a waitlist number for the Shorts program (I love the Shorts), but mostly because it was in the same theater as the movie we wanted to see later, and that would make it easier to get in. While waiting in line though we opened the paper and saw the movie we were stoked to see got really bad ratings. So we got some food and headed over to another venue for waitlist numbers. We bought a deck of Sundance playing cards and played speed until it was time to line up again for the movie. It was Antonio Banderas' movie "Summer Rain." It was absolutely beautiful. He was very generous with his answers to questions afterwards, going on in detail about certain scenes or inspiration. I particularly liked all the references it included to Dante's "The Divine Comedy." I read "The Inferno" (the first section) in my senior English class--thank you Mrs. Johnson--and it was beautiful in its artistic and visual appeal. At the end of the semester we had to do a project on one of the pieces we'd read so my mom helped me to design and make a stained glass art piece representing the inferno abstractly. When people come over and ask what it is hanging in our window, I like to just say, "It's hell. Isn't it beautiful?"