In Memory of Let's Reborn

In its final moments, a memorial of Let's Reborn:

I've given this blog a passionate 3+ years and just as it lived, would like to have it go out strong. Otherwise I fear it may completely dwindle down to entries so seldom they are only entered out of guilt of neglect. While I haven't necessarily minded its slow evolution into more and more of a mom-blog, I've decided that the large amount of previous personal entries may outweigh my efforts to change the blog's nature and for now I would rather put it to rest.

Let's Reborn began on August 4, 2006 reluctantly. I've never been very successful at keeping a journal, but I wanted to have my say too when when I saw the opportunities and benefits of social feedback and sounding boards in the lives of others.

So my goal was for it to be a place for sharing my outlook on life, thoughts, philosophies, and yes, adventures, though I did want to avoid the trap of only reporting events in my life. I wanted it to be a place where I could be myself. But even that had to be constantly compromised, both for audience consideration and for the feelings of others. I don't think I succeeded at being considerate enough though and am sure that I hurt others. My intentions were not malicious but were to ignite more social awareness and to encourage people to think about what they want in life and what they're doing about it.
Also, it seems that I am constantly in need of serious psychological help.

I was raised a Mormon and I consider myself a Mormon though a "less active" one. I believe that many of my readers are LDS as well. Unfortunately the Mormon culture has been very prominent in shaping what is appropriate and / or inappropriate to discuss in public and private arenas. Specifically I've struggled with the fact that while we preach the necessity of opposition in all things, the social consequences of discussing negative experiences and the emotions that accompany them makes it unthinkable. My own drive for shared honesty about life and relationships combined with my social naivete have become too much for this blog. I have no desire to only discuss and share negative thoughts and feelings, but I have no desire to pretend that they don't exist and can't be addressed.

I recognize that it was a mistake to use my blog to share personal information that sometimes put others in a bad light. I wish I could inspire more honest conversations without hurting others. I sometimes wish I didn't crave connection and intimacy so much.

I'm including a quote from a book I thought was pretty lousy, but has made me think about what kind of person I am: "Maybe this inflammation of the spirit is a gift that can only be received by those whose prayers ask for a daily hunger than for bread."--Theo Grutter, Dancing with Mosquitoes

Lastly, I'd like to refer anyone seeking family updates to the blogs that survive mine:
My family outdoor adventures blog and my husband's blog.

Perhaps the end of Let's Reborn may give birth to a more family-update type of blog for the benefit and ease of sharing photos and stories with my loved ones who are far away. We shall see.

Moab part 2

My trip to Moab for the race of course included a trip to Arches National Park. It was Bailey's second time there. My friend Aimee and her baby rode down with me to watch Bailey while I raced and hang out for the weekend. Tyler met us in Moab Sunday afternoon after the race to hang out for a bit before heading to Grand Junction for some work on Monday morning.

First stop was the easy Sand Dune arch. Bailey absolutely loved the sand. It was probably her first real time playing in fine fine sand like that.




Did a quick climb into Skyline arch.


The next morning we visited Double Arch and the short Park Ave hike.


It was the perfect time to be in Moab. I loved just taking Bailey for a little walk down main street and also she really enjoyed the pool at our hotel with the big lamps on outside at night and still pretty warm out.

The Other Half

Remember back in March when I ran the 5 mile run at Moab's half marathon? I admitted that I liked the payoff even though I've never considered myself a runner and I doubted that I'd do something much longer despite common cries that races are addictive. Well I'm about to eat my words right now.

Again, I signed up with my sister April, honestly because she got me excited for it--she would be a great coach or personal trainer. She gets you pumped about doing stuff you hate to do just because she has so much enthusiasm of her own and then even when you tell her you're not sure you can do it, she keeps believing in you like no one has ever believed in you before.

I signed up sometime in May I think, but didn't start my training til I had to according to a 12-week schedule, that put me starting in late July. I wanted to do the race, but I just hated the practicing.

That was until I was finally able to do 5 miles comfortably. Then I only hated the longer practice runs, each time psyching myself up for them and praying I wouldn't have to walk at all. But I really liked my 5.6 mile loop run once a week.

Before race day my longest run was 10 miles and I'd clocked just over 10 minute miles. My goal for the half marathon, the 13.1 miles, was 2:09. My final time was 1:58:48, which works out to be a 9:04 mile pace. I finished 4 minutes behind April and she was there to watch me come in. When I looked up and saw the time and there was only a 1 in the front, I was so excited I sprinted to the end.



Thanks April for believing in me and I've been on a high for a week now based on my finish time. I'm not sure I'd ever go for anything longer or that I want to start from ground zero again, so I'm going to keep up with the running, at least once a week. I almost wish I could do another half marathon in a week while I'm in the zone and practiced. But I'm going to stick with my offer from my last race post: For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing, I enjoy those activities much more and am better at them too.

Reunion

Dear son,

Your visit was the most wonderful gift I could have ever imagined. About six months ago when I wrote about getting in touch with the adopted family of my son it still didn't seem real that I would actually get to meet you. Again, I have to thank your wonderfully warm-hearted mother for being so loving and open and for bringing you with her for a visit all of the way from Alaska.



My heart pounded just seeing you and yet strangely, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even want to say anything at all, I just wanted to hear you really, to hear what your voice sounded like, and I was afraid that I would miss something if I moved when you spoke. Because of this, afterward I was a little worried that I didn't express my love enough. How could you really know how much I love you and how proud I am of what a fun and sweet and ambitious boy you have become? And what if I said too much and it was overwhelming or awkward to have such expressions coming from someone you have only ever heard about?

I didn't want to make you embarrassed, but I also wondered if you knew how much I would have poured and poured and poured out my love to you, but it would still have not made a good or very happy life for you had I not placed you for adoption at the time of your birth. Most importantly, I wondered if you ever knew how much your birth has defined the shape of my own life and my journey into adulthood?

My son, you have been a bigger influence on me than anyone in my life without ever even knowing it. I've always thought of you with such pride, and now that I've had the chance to meet you, I am convinced that you'll be able to do so much with your life and live it to the fullest!

I am so happy to know your mother and I can't say enough how grateful I am to her and her husband for giving you such a wonderful life full of family and friends and wonderful memories and experiences! I will be eternally grateful for her opening her heart to me as well. I never expected that I would have the chance to meet you, though it was something I had always hoped for.



I loved watching Bailey giving you kisses! I am sure you are a wonderful brother!

I love being a mom and with your visit, I again feel a renewed sense of purpose. Thank you! I can't wait to get to know you better over the years.

30-year Adventure

Check out my outdoor blog for April and I's 30-year celebration hiking/camping trip at Zion National Park


Day 1


Day 2


Day 3

In Bailey's room

I finished Bailey's room a few weeks ago. Yes, it had been "finished" once before, meaning we had painted the room downstairs intended for Bailey to move into once she started sleeping through the night. Tyler had given me permission to do pink and so I picked pink and purple for the walls. Unfortunately, I didn't like it, and again, Tyler was willing to bear with me. But I knew the time was coming soon to move her out of the attached room to ours and into the one designated hers downstairs.

I wanted not a gender neutral room, but one that wasn't overwhelmingly feminine. I picked out some stencils online and ordered them and used leftover paint from some of the original colors as well as from Caiden's blue room. And this time I absolutely love the room. It feels perfect! I realize it's still not all matchy-matchy as far as furniture and design, but I love the colors now and the feel of it.



She started sleeping through the night almost the exact week of her 1-year-birthday. She occasionally does an early morning wake-up around 5:30 or 6:30, but has now been a pretty consistent sleeper until about 7:30 am 5-6 nights per week. I can't help but wonder if its because the room downstairs is a bit darker and more removed from the action upstairs after bedtime. But I honestly think it was just perfect timing, she finally just hit that period where she can sleep through the whole night. I don't regret keeping her up in the attached room for just past her entire first year and I don't think I could have done anything to ease the sleeping problems that were so persistent for so long.



She's such a beautiful dreamer!

All Her Favorite Fruit

And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I'd like to take her there, rather than this train
And if I weren't a civil servant, I'd have a place in the colonies

from Camper Van Beethoven's "All Her Favorite Fruit"


Okay, I know it's a love song, a sexy one, but I have to say that it's perfect for Bailey. All she wants to eat is fruit for the last 2 weeks, won't touch a cracker, cookie, vegetable, cheese, or anything else hardly. So I show her on our world map where the fruits come from and all the places I wish I could go with her someday. And we have fun even when I'm frustrated that that's all she eats.

30 "Times-of-my-life" ---Long post!

I just turned 30 and for my own sake wanted to recount my best 30 times of life so far. It's long. I wrote these kind of randomly, but it appears that either my memory isn't that good or that the last few years were just pretty awesome because most of them fall into the last few years. Also, it's pretty likely that I'll think of even better memories once these are actually published and regret not mentioning them, so forgive me if I forgot about the time we were on an incredible road trip together or saw the craziest thing ever.

1 & 2. The day I gave birth to Cade and the day I gave birth to Bailey, both totally different circumstances but I can't imagine any experience more rewarding and beautiful than having a baby.

3. When Tyler and I were dating in 2004 I think I fell in love with him the day he took me to the cemetery. We just skipped out of Sunday school and walked around there a bit and I don't know if I fell in love that day or just realized that day that I really liked him.

4. The day Tyler and I got married in 2005. We had our reception the night before and I loved the way it turned out with the Japanese lanterns and the lilacs and landscaping Tyler had done in his parents backyard.

5. Lake Powell day--I've only actually been there this one time but it was a perfect day, or mostly. I was at my archaeology dig in Escalante in 2001 and my sister, her boyfriend, and my oldest brother came to visit me. We drove down the Burr Trail to the lake and stopped at the first sign of water. Spent the whole rest of the day jumping off a rock into the water, over and over and over. Then when we were sunburnt, starving, and exhausted, we went looking for a campsite, but it was June and they were all full. Ended up throwing up our tents in one of the Deer Creek day use sites and attempting to eat the burritos April and Bill made, but they'd gotten soggy in the cooler. Still, a great time.

6. Petra, Jordan--We visited these Nabatean ruins when I was doing my semester in Israel in 2000. It was just plain awesome. Much more there than just the first building seen in Indiana Jones.

7. The day I really got up and waterskiied around a lake for the first time. It was at a Speer family reunion in Oregon in 1990. All summer I'd been working on waterskiing but not been able to stay up for very long at all. Then suddenly I could do it.

8. Climbing Ichizuchisan 2002--This was when I lived in Japan I scheduled a day to climb the tallest mountain on my island, (the 2nd tallest in Japan. Not huge or anything, but I loved doing it. Apparently its something a lot of Buddhist pilgrims do. The day I went was really rainy and I had anticipated a beautiful view from the top, instead the peak was enshrouded in fog, but I loved how much more mystical that made it seem. Coolest part was the last 1/3rd of the way required hanging onto some huge chains against the side of the mountain.

9 & 10. The day my sister had each of her boys. April has always been my best friend and maybe because she became a mom before me I've always felt very protective of them both and love them to pieces. That and they are my nephews too of course!

11. The day I got my bachelor degree from BYU in 2002. I totally bawled through the ceremony. I'm into rituals. They may not be necessary, but I love creating rituals around events and so graduation was a big deal to me. Traditions and ceremonies make things more meaningful to me I guess. Graduation just felt like a big accomplishment at the time.

12. The Modest Mouse concert I went to with Tyler in 2005. I love live music and have been to a lot of shows, but this one beat them all I think. We saw them again in 2007 and will see them again next week, but I have a feeling the 2005 one will remain the best.

13. Hiking Horseshoe canyon with Tyler in 2008. We normally make our first camping / hiking trip at the end of March, but this time we ventured out in late February, just Tyler and I. It was wonderful for us to break away and be alone for a weekend and for me to share a great hike with him.

14. Escalante trip 2007--I loved the hikes we did on that trip but have to isolate this to the day we actually arrived in Escalante. It had been 6 years since I'd been there for my dig and when we arrived I just felt as if I belonged there. We stopped and ran along the slick-rock for a bit to stretch our legs before checking into the campsite and setting up. Some of Tyler's family met us later on that night and the next night and we did some really cool slot canyon hikes, but I think the best part was just arriving there.

15. trip to the San Rafael Swell with Tyler in 2006. He'd been there once before with me, when we were dating, but hadn't liked it that well and it made me sad because I'm so in love with the Utah desert. Then when we went again the next April he had a great time and from then on has loved it as well.

16. When I got my MBA my parents gifted me with a weekend trip to Portland with Tyler. He had just been reading "Undaunted Courage" about the explorers Lewis & Clark. We took one of the days in the Portland area to drive along the coast up to Fort Clatsop. It was early January and though we didn't expect it to be warm, snow is not common in Portland. It was a breathtaking view the whole drive and cool to see the juxtaposition of snow on the beach with pine trees just behind the sand.

17. Liberty Jail day--When I got my BA in 2002 my mom took me on a congratulatory trip where we visited a number of LDS church history sites. I loved them all, but was most affected by our visit to the old Liberty Jail where the prophet Joseph Smith was held for a number of months along with some of his followers. Regardless of religious beliefs, it's a profound experience to learn of one man's persecution and horrible mistreatment by the law and yet hear of his continued faith and fortitude during that time. It was both heartbreaking and inspiring.

18. In high school I saw a play done by the University of Montana of the book "Grapes of Wrath." I read that book and didn't care for it much, not like I loved Steinbeck's "East of Eden." However, the play really touched me. In this case, the play was better than the book I thought and seeing the dire circumstances made it more real to me. The orchestra pit had been filled with water for a river that at one point someone was thrown into. And at the end of the play when the family is being poured on and they hide in a railway car as everything is being flooded around them, the theater had water dripping from the rafters. For some reason, this just really struck me about what an important story the story of the Depression is.

19. War and Peace--I remember the 2nd day on site for my dig in Escalante it snowed. It was early May and Escalante is high in elevation. The day before we had all gotten sunburns setting up camp and suddenly it was snowing. We went back to our tents and in the next 3 days I think I read the first 500 or so pages of War and Peace. I finished the book just about 8 weeks later when field school was over. It's one of my all-time favorite books.

20. When I saw Arlo Guthrie in concert at the Gallivan center in Salt Lake in 2004. It was a free outdoor concert and totally packed, but his performance was awesome. When he was singing "This land is your land" I felt so connected to the whole world.

21. My Kolob arch hike--I wish there was more opportunity for me to go on long hikes at my own pace, but there's just not. So this was a great great time for me. The hike totals 14 miles and I did it in about 5.5 hours and enjoyed every minute of it. It was early November 2007 and perfect hiking weather, I only saw 2 other people on the trail that day, the fall colors were out, the red sandstone was magnificent, and the creek was especially cool where it had carved out the rock.

22. the drive-in movies in Fairview Utah, 2008. This was at Tyler's family's reunion in Fairview when I was over 8 months pregnant with Bailey. We went to the drive in and watched a pretty stupid movie, but I had a great time just because it felt so incredibly good outside that night.

23. SLC Bee's baseball game in 2003. It was the 24th of July and my friend had scored some tickets to the game that night. I'm not into baseball, but it just perfectly cooler that day in mid-summer, and right at the end of the game when the fireworks were going off in the field it started raining. Very cool.

24. Las Vegas bowl game for BYU in 2006--this was the 2nd out of 3 trips to Vegas for the bowl game in December, but this one was the funnest I think. Tyler and I made a little longer trip out of it, it was the first road trip we took alone and thankfully it was great because I was beginning to think we weren't good road-trippers together and for me, that was a big deal. I remember having a great time when we went out to eat after the game with his younger brothers and sister at a little Mexican place on the strip that was hidden and practically empty, I think it was already closed or closing or something when we got there super late at night. They were super friendly and gave us free drinks because they forgot something?

25. Sundance festival 2006--okay this is a 10 day festival and I worked 80 hours of it on top of most of my 40-hour a week job and 3 or 4 school nights in the mix but it was by far my favorite year. I was the outside assistant manager which basically meant being in charge of crowds, waitlist lines, and the volunteers who helped out outside. I was absolutely freezing cold. I wore handwarmers on top of my toes, hot pants under my jeans, and as many more layers as you can imagine. But it was also the year I saw the most great movies and some actors and musicians I really dig.

26. First Call to Prayer experience in Jerusalem--I flew to Jerusalem for my semester abroad on my 21st birthday. The next morning in my little dorm room at about 5 am I heard the loudest wake up call ever in my life. Probably I imagined it so loud due to the exhaustion of having not slept before leaving combined with jet lag, but it sounded as if someone had a megaphone and was shouting the Muslim Call to Prayer right on the balcony of my room. I will never forget that.

27. 2 week stay in Galilee--I really prefer Jerusalem to Galilee just as I prefer the Old Testament to the New which is what each of those areas represent to me because of the way my classes worked in each location. However, the couple of weeks we stayed in Galilee during my semester abroad blur together kind of like a sweet dream. I remember sitting on the beach every day it seems for a while to read my book and swimming in the water everyday despite all the schoolwork we also had to do.

28. Florida trip with my family in the 80's. We took a week-long vacation to Florida, visiting Cape Canaveral, Disneyworld, Sea World, Epcot center, Daytona beach, etc. To be honest, I remember the trip pretty well, but because I'm an emotional person the only thing that stands out to me was how cool it was when at Sea World there was a little storm burst, just as there was on most days we were there, but this one had a brief but torrential downpour. I remember running to find cover and we ended up running to the "rainforest" portion of Sea World and just for a few minutes it felt like I was in the middle of the jungle and it was totally awesome.

29. Osaka trip in 2003--Just before I left Japan I took a second weekend trip to Osaka. I just love exploring places on my own and maybe it's because I can follow whatever impulse I have, to spend my whole day just walking walking walking or to stop wherever and whenever I want. Anyway I loved walking around Osaka and just taking it all in, all the lights and signs and shops and shrines, and figuring out which trains to ride, though sometimes aggravating, was part of the adventure of it.

30. Exploring Washington DC in 2003. My second trip to DC, I did this one staying at my cousin Amanda's place where she and her husband graciously hosted me. We went out to Mt. Vernon together and also got poured on briefly while there. We hit up an outdoor concert on Pennsylvania Ave and they showed me how beautiful old Alexandria was. I did some exploring on my own as well around the Smithsonians and the new spy museum and the subway system.

Again, as you can see, a lot of these memories are from trips and as trip hungry as I am, it's true that I've had a ton of great ones already. I have a ton of other great trip memories and others as well of simple things like walks and bike rides, but these 30 are the best I could do as far as what really sticks out to me when I look at the entire 30 years.

Highway signs for moms

I laughed out loud reading these highway signs for moms on the back page of my Babytalk magazine. Maybe because I just made a trip to Boise with my twin sister and our kids crammed in the back. We got kicked out of the McDonald's outdoor playland area in Burley, Idaho because our kids weren't wearing socks. We were the only people out there and somehow the management saw fit to kick us out. There was no sign saying they needed socks though there were plenty of signs saying they needed their shoes off. And while I do understand germs can spread through bare feet, I'm positive those playlands aren't kept very clean to begin with and that's the risk you run when allowing your children some playtime along the road.



So, here are the Mom highway signs from the magazine:

Diner where folks won't give you the hairy eyeball for nursing--Exit 9

Forget Route 118: It's so bumpy your baby may barf up his entire last meal

Scenic overlook of three thrilling bulldozers in action--Exit 24

Rest stop with picnic area that's not insanely close to traffic: 300 yards on right

Only playland in tri-state area where they occasionally clean the ball pit--Exit 29

Pop in another Dan Zanes CD (no decent radio station for 50 miles)

Restaurant where waiters don't hand your baby a balloon just before you climb back into your overstuffed car--Exit 38B

Weight limit: Way, way heavier than you

Eyes crossing, next 60 miles (make your spouse drive--you need a nap)

Exit 4--Restroom with crud-free changing table

Bailey's First Year

Click through to see the "scrapbook" I created of Bailey's first year, I made it to read like a children's story to document all of her major milestones.

Part Time with Schedule > Part Time On Call

I am very pleased that it seems my schedule at work should be becoming a bit more regular now. For the past few months I've been working a little extra, covering while some were on vacation, maternity leave, paternity leave, sick, funerals, etc. While the extra work has been good for my bank account, and I was happy to help out considering the fact that I was allowed a 5-month leave of absence when I had Bailey, it turned out to be more difficult in actuality.

What happened couldn't really have been anticipated:

1. Tyler had to go out of town a few times during those couple of months for his new job.

2. I changed daycare providers 3 times during that time period, making a total of 4 day-care homes Bailey has been in since January. (All of whom I've liked, but for personal reasons, job changes, etc. they had to quit doing their in-home daycare services.)

3. Work was exceptionally busy (as it is in the summer, but this year topped others to date). Sometimes the database had crashed, sometimes we were just plain overloaded or had an unexpected shortage of staff, all things which couldn't have been helped. On those occasions I made last-minute arrangements to come in earlier than planned.

Altogether with work demands and Tyler's being gone this probably accounted for re-arranging my daycare schedule at last 8 times in the last 10 weeks. Since I was working an afternoon - evening shift and Bailey needed picked up by 5 at those homes, this required an effort almost one time per week to engage the services of friends, neighbors, relatives, etc., all of to whom I owe a HUGE THANK YOU!

That being said, I do really enjoy my job and am grateful that I'm able to work where a 10-15 hour work week is permitted and that I'm able to be with my baby as often as I am.

Moab Foreshadowing

A few nights ago I had a dream about my upcoming half marathon in Moab--I'm running it in mid-October.

In the dream, I was forced to run the race in flip-flops because though I had brought my running shoes, for some reason we had to cross a stream to get to the starting point and I was unable to carry my shoes because this time they didn't have a "sweat bag" pick up to put items in that you carried with you at the waiting area. Somehow no one else had had this problem in my dream though and I remember being frustrated that their shoes weren't wet or that they were smart enough to have figured that part out.

So just two days following my dream, when heading to the rec center for my workout, my shoes were nowhere to be found. I've looked everywhere, but it's most likely that I left them at the rec center on Thursday when I went to workout and afterwards took Bailey and Caiden swimming there. I went home in my flip-flops.

I asked the rec center staff if my shoes had been turned in but they haven't. I guess I'll get a new pair of running shoes out of this, but I sure hope I don't have to run a race in flip-flops.

If any readers are interested, I'm kind of looking for someone to go with me for the car ride to Moab and to watch Bailey for the couples hours I'll be running. I promise a shared hotel room and some hiking in the area afterwards.

Uintas Confession

Read about my recent trip to the Uintas over on my family outdoors blog.

Gilgal Made Over

I paid another visit to one of my favorite places in Salt Lake City. I blogged about it before, here, but it's really worth re-visiting (literally and figuratively). My friend Katie was in town and we met for dinner then headed over to check it out. It was Bailey's first time there too, though I know we'll be going many times.

I was a little bit sad that Gilgal Gardens seems to have gotten a makeover recently. I dislike that kind of thing because makeovers have a way of bringing more people around when you want to keep a place all to yourself (like why did they ever decide to pave the road into Maple Canyon??). But I can't exactly say that I didn't enjoy all the fresh flowers around either, or that they didn't add to the beauty and overall exotic-ness of the place. Bailey loved the flowers too so I couldn't be upset about them, though I fondly recall hopping over the torn fence the first time I visited it in a more dilapidated condition.

In the photo below I'm pointing out an inscription I particularly like, one that I had at one time kept memorized because I loved it so, and have of course forgotten even after the reminder the other night.


Bailey tried reading some rocks too : )


See Katie's complete set of Gilgal Garden photos here, including the infamous Joseph Smith sphinx and the creator's sculpture of himself.

Already becoming so Bailey

It's amazing to me how Bailey has already developed so much personality and individuality. She just hit 11 months and part of me already has anxiety about the 1 year mark and what that means (I'm thinking of titling that blog "365 sleepless nights"). But I do love getting to know her and who she is and more about who she will be as she becomes more of her own person!

Right now Bailey's favorite thing to do is still to unload a drawer, cabinet, bag, purse, etc. as seen in this photo:


Her favorite place to be is anywhere outside.

She says "Uh-oh" and "ball" really well and clearly understands what each of them means. She points up in the air every time she hears an airplane even when we are indoors. She "barks" back at the dogs when she hears one outside.

She still just has the bottom two teeth, but is anxious to eat anything and everything in sight, especially if it is going in someone's mouth. I can see the beginnings of one of her top teeth now and I think it won't be too long before it breaks through.

She still hasn't slept through the night. (Well one time she did, when we were camping, but I do not count what was an extreme outlier in her patterns, and anyway I couldn't sleep out of paranoia about the fact that she was actually still sleeping. That and also because her all-time worst night of sleeping was also on a camping trip. The two nights pretty much just cancel each other out.)

She takes two naps a day on days where I care for her at home though she's a bit more stubborn about doing it on day-care days, those days she might take a short snooze in the car when Daddy picks her up. I would like her to sleep through the night of course, but I've stopped hoping for it and stopped thinking it was entirely realistic though common at this age. I am dealing with it quite well I think except that I've become a bit neurotic about the way the sheets should be on the bed. : )

Bailey is starting to give cuddles more and more too despite the fact that she's such a wiggle worm at play. She occasionally will draw back from me and then lean in and lay her head down on my shoulder. It's so sweet. My friend Katie took these photos of Bailey giving me a hug outside a restaurant the other day and also one that really captured Bailey's bright blue eyes and white hair and tan arms. Thank you Katie I love these!

Walking, Talking Baby Doll

Check out Bailey's walking and talking skills over on Tyler's blog here. He put together a few videos we've taken of her walking and her attempts to talk on the phone, though I'm not sure where she got the idea to hold the phone all the way behind her head. She is already a better walker and will be running before we know it I'm sure.

She is getting more and more grown up every day. I took this the other day of her playing with her high chair, she played there for a long time just chatting away about something. Her hair is getting longer and thicker too, but it is so incredibly light that it hardly shows up in pictures at all.

Baby Bird

Bailey and I were at home getting ready for the day when I opened the door to the garage to check on something and right there on the mat was a baby bird. Most likely the bird was injured though I couldn't see how or where. But he only took small little steps and didn't get spooked at our curiosity. Bailey was very interested in it and every time we came near to the garage again would kick her legs and lean forward out of my arms to see inside (she loves animals). This was while I was trying to take pictures of it. I stepped down and opened the door to the back yard in case it might be able to walk outside and a few minutes later when we came back it was gone. I hope it survived.

Conor Oberst and the mystic emotional basketcase.

I went to see Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band with the HB on Saturday. I was really looking forward to it having seen him in 2006 when he was touring as "Bright Eyes". It was an incredible show then, and I knew it would be incredible again. I was long overdue for a good concert too and the summer outdoor shows can be especially moving.



I've liked his music from the very start, for how expressive and raw and un-manufactured it is. And I'm particularly liking this new turn towards a more folk-rock sound that retains his original intensity. I don't believe intensity should be sacrificed for anything, probably it should, but I've never found reason for it.



I am still reeling from the emotions of the past several weeks. And the show really got me thinking. I've discovered what my problem is, you may laugh, but bear with me. I feel like I have all the passion of an artist, but none of the talent. Perhaps if I were a musician, a painter, a writer, or an actress people would value my ability to articulate what I'm feeling, but because I have no such talent my expressiveness is deemed inappropriate.

That may sound a bit defensive, but in truth I never meant to hurt anyone. I have made very careful deliberations about what needed to be censored on this blog while still allowing it to represent who I am and the way I experience life. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I DO wish that personal pain was something people were more willing to discuss. I begin to feel a bit robot-ish when I'm not able to express myself, and I have a totally irrational fear that I will stop feeling alive when I allow myself to stop feeling things. I found it really refreshing to discuss true emotions when I participated in group therapy for a short while when I was at BYU. I just wish there was more honesty about the way marriage is and the way religion is and just more honesty about the way people are and the way they feel things.

Thank God there are rock concerts for letting some of that stuff out. Now if only I were a rock star.

Happy Father's Day

I loved being able to see Tyler become a father all over again this last year. I loved how sweetly he sped to the hospital to see Bailey and I between coaching two football practices a day that first week of practice. I love to see him now as he plays peek-a-boo with her and he helps her "practice" her gymnastics by flipping her in the air. She adores her father so much and just loves to sit outside and watch him work in the yard.


This year Tyler will coach Caiden's little league football team again. Caiden adores his father too, though he might not like my use of that word. He always has to keep tabs on where Tyler is at and often asks him before bed to play a short game of sword-fighting of Call of Duty. This year Tyler taught him how to rappel and now it's the first thing he wants to do when we arrive in camp. Tyler is an excellent teacher.


Here is a picture of me and my dad when I was little.


I don't remember that picture specifically, but I do remember loving it when he played his violin.

When I was little he sometimes had to go on overnight business trips and would take turns taking each of us. I remember one time on such a trip I had just learned to count to 100 and I did it aloud for him in the car. I remember finishing and then asking him if he wanted to hear me do it again and I remember him saying yes. I can't imagine how annoying that must have been, but it seems an important memory for such a small little event.

One of the greatest things my dad taught me when I was little was to help me learn to waterski. I hated it the first time when I was 9. I couldn't control the skis and they always ended up behind me with my legs behind me and I couldn't get them to come around in front and then stay parallel pointing up in the water. Eventually the next two summers my dad would get in the water behind me (he did this for my sister and I) and he would hold the bottom of the skis steady under the water and wait there while I took off and went as far and long as I could. At first that wasn't far at all, but eventually it got longer and longer and the end of the summer I turned 11 I finally was able to waterski for a long time and began to learn to get up on my own. A few years later he led us kids in being able to drop a ski and eventually get up slalom waterskiing. I love waterskiing still and thank my dad for teaching me!

Evidence of Independence

See my post below about how if you have ears that stick out it means you are fiercely independent.

I am on the right, with the ears that stick out to there.



Check out Bailey's ears, perhaps this is why she still doesn't sleep through the night--she has a mind of her own!

Wisdom of my face

I caught just a few minutes of the radio on my way in to work this morning and they were discussing Chinese Face reading with an expert who recently wrote the book "Wisdom of Your Face." Lucky for me, I caught a portion about a facial feature I have, or at least was very prominent when I was a baby and that Bailey and I share. That is our ears stick out. From the blog:

So what in Barack Obama’s face might have contributed to his success? Here is what Chinese Face Reading has to say:

1 - His ears stick out. This reveals a highly independent nature, not always doing what he’s told.

Highly independent? Sounds pretty accurate to me. Interesting stuff.

Wishing I was a Brother

Growing up my sister and I were often envious of our brothers' 50-mile hikes each summer. Since boyscouting was sanctioned by our church, we would eventually approach our Bishop and request that the young women be able to have their own 50-miler. Of course the hopeful words from him never actually came to fruition.

For just a moment here let me be the victim. Let me just say how unfair it all is and how my heart is breaking over it before you tell me how miniscule it is and how oversensitive I'm being. Let me say how I am not sure I'll get over it or when I'll stop crying every time I think about it before you tell me I shouldn't express negative feelings in a public place.

When you're growing up people tell you "life isn't fair" but no one ever says "life is a bitch," just like when you're getting marred people tell you "marriage is hard" but no one ever says "sometimes marriage is a world of pain."

In this case, I would say life is certainly a bitch. I pride myself on knowing what I want and working hard to get it. I'm attracted to people that are decisive and ambitious and I think that's because that's how I see myself or maybe it's just how I try to be. So when I've said over and over that I want to do something, but been denied the opportunity, it breaks my heart that the same person who would deny me would gladly give that opportunity to people who have never asked for it or even perhaps realized they wanted it before such an opportunity was presented to them. Am I less worthy? Am I less deserving?

Some may say "let him have time to himself" to which I would say "I do. I've encouraged numerous activities that wouldn't have even taken place if I hadn't suggested them as well as willingly sent him to others when I would have rather had him with me." I've stood by as he got invited to do something by others that I asked him to do and watched him go with them.

I'm not heart-broken that he's going on a technical canyonnering camping trip with his brothers and not with me, I'm heart-broken that when I ask to do something hard-core, when I'm bursting to try something new, to explore the unknown together, I get turned down and then suddenly, the trip is planned as a brothers-only occasion.

I love being a woman, but I sure wish I was somebody's brother.

And You Will Tell Them Yes

This is from an old Nike ad that I love, it inspires me in so many ways:


"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."


It's amazing how overtime we forget that that's what we're hearing all around us all the time. How you can live your life thinking you won't let it get to you and then suddenly realize you've been letting it happen for a really long time. And something cheesy, though powerful, cheesy because it's a marketing gimick, moves you to snap out of it again.

Caiden's Summer

I'm not sure, but I think he might be having some fun this summer.

I'm going to do my best to help out, but I'm not sure what the picture is, is he cuddling with his girlfriend on the couch? :) He would die if I asked him that.

Eaters of the Rocks, Drinkers of the Rain

Our first camping trip with Bailey didn't go as well as we'd hoped it would so this one seemed to have the same anticipation build up as that. I don't think we've ever gone 6 weeks between trips in the spring time. And as excited as I was, I was struggling with anxiety about everything, going somewhere new on a holiday weekend, getting any sleep, and being able to get some decent exercise and exploration in. So oddly, Tyler and I decided to change our plans in the hopes that at least a familiar place would relieve some of the pressure for things to go well on this trip. Though I would have loved to try a new place, I knew I would need to be flexible about hikes falling through and thought that might be a shame if it was something I'd never done before. Lucky for us, Tyler had some friends going to the San Rafael Swell this weekend that we'd been meaning to go camping with for a while We coordinated to meet them Thursday morning for a hike and take it from there.

After a long car ride, Bailey was eager to wiggle her little cinnabuns around so I put her down in the sand to play. I figured she was going to get dirty anyway, let it happen and clean her up afterward rather than fight it all day. Not surprisingly she began immediately popping rocks into her mouth. I condone this only because I watch her very closely and because she is so damn set to do it anyway.

We hiked Crack Canyon which for some reason I didn't remember being so awesome? Perhaps when I was there before we didn't hike as far back or my memory of it was drowned out by the memory of a camp chair falling in the fire with the car keys in the pocket and a dust storm in the middle of the night and getting lost when I came out of the canyon and also getting my car stuck on a huge shrub the night we arrived. Yes, that all happened on the same trip, August 2004.

So anyway, Crack was awesome and so were Tyler's friends.

And most incredibly--Bailey slept through the entire night that night! That was her first time in her life to do that, including any night at home. We borrowed Tyler's brother's tent (much larger and taller than ours) to try setting up Bailey's portable crib in it and it worked. I couldn't believe she slept so well. She even took a great nap in the pack-n-play the next day too, and she looked really snug in there.

Friday all of us hiked out to Wild Horse Window, or as we later learned is actually named Skylight Arch. I love the canyons, but this reminded me of how much I just hiking right on the rock. I mean, we usually pick a campsite that has rock to climb on right around us anyway, but this was just really nice and here and there would be a different colored wild flower for me to show Bailey and let her learn about it (mostly with her mouth) as we hiked to the next one.



Tyler and I and the kids took a quick drive to Hanksville to get some ice and because none of us had ever been there. There was a cool old church and it was good to know how close it was and what was there.

Then Bailey did not do that well that night (last night) and the rain never once let up either. A friend of mine met us at the campsite late and unfortunately had to set up in the rain and basically wait it out til morning. But this morning it was still raining and there didn't seem to be any sign of it letting up. We had all been up a lot in the night and up early with Bailey so like the schmuck friend that I am, I bailed and we decided to drive back home today.

We did first pay a visit to Goblin Valley despite the potential mud baths we could get there with it being so wet and rainy. It was cool to see all the streams formed in the park with the little bit of moisture.

Once we knew we were headed home later, I wanted to get Bailey as much outside time as possible before getting in the car. I also really hoped that I could play in the rain long enough and get my clothes wet enough to warrant Tyler stripping me down and wrapping me in a blanket for the ride home, but alas, he wouldn't have any of that in front of the children. So we headed back home in our dirty clothes and I will be folding them just as soon as I'm done here.

A few other favorite pictures from the trip:







Watch Tyler's blog as well as our family outdoor adventure blog for more detailed accounts of these hikes. Also, tons of pictures on our Flickr site in the San Rafael section.

Four

Today is mine and Tyler's four year anniversary. He started out the morning in Grand Junction, Colorado and is in Telluride tonight visiting some of the properties he is over. He sent me some beautiful flowers. My neighbor got them for me because I didn't hear them while I was putting Bailey down. When I came out he told me he had my flowers and then I made him show me the little gopher he had caught in his yard. I have to admit the gopher was absolutely adorable albeit pesky.

I think I've talked more than I should have here about my marriage, and probably because it was such a huge adjustment for me and because I'm an idealist about things. I'm happy to be celebrating my fourth year with Tyler. He is the world to me. I can't imagine not being married to him and I would marry him again any day!

I love you babe!

Peekaboo 2

Yes I know I already posted a video of her playing peekaboo, but this is just too irresistable!



She was 9 months old on Tuesday. She weights 17 pounds and 1 ounce now (in the 20th percentile), and measures 27.5 inches long (the 50th percentile for height). I'm so impressed with what a happy baby she is, how smiley she is to everyone and how playful and full of life and energy she is, even if diapering her is like wrestling a crocodile!

My Breakup with 24 Hour Fitness

Yesterday I broke up with 24 Hour Fitness.

It was hard to do, and took a lot of deliberation, but it needed to be done. However since notifying them of this breakup I've been informed that it must be prolonged until July 24th, so I guess I"ll have plenty of awkward moments to look forward to in the coming months as I continue to use the gym with them knowing full well my intentions to leave.

I've been with 24 Hour Fitness longer than with any other gym, but since having Bailey have cut my visits to 3-4 times per week (instead of 6-7). I now work out at home a couple of days a week, something I never thought I'd be able to do, but it's hard to get to the gym with a baby and fit it in before work, and thanks to Exercise TV and April for the great downloads, I have some home workouts that I really love and that really kick my butt!

Instead my family will be signing up for a membership at the nearby Oquirrh Park Fitness / recreation center. It's right by the Olympic oval and just as close as my gym was to the house (I think about 2 miles?). Anyway, we can all have a membership there for less than my gym membership was costing me personally. Not that we will all make it there often to work out, it will still be me primarily using the benefits, but this way, we can use their pool for free anytime all we want. They have a really sweet set of pools that make it all worth it when you have kids--a lap pool, a diving pool, an indoor pool w/ mini lazy river and waterslide and swim lanes, and a great kids play area and pool outdoors too. I'm not joking, the kids play area and pool is really incredible for a local rec center, tons of little fountain thingys and squirt guns and giant buckets that dump water, super shallow areas and so on.

So I'll look forward to using these benefits when we actually sign up there come July.

In the meantime, I'll still be sweating it out with my ex-gym.

A Plastic Chandelier

I love this plastic chandelier made of recycled containers. Check out the picture here on the blog Daily Dose of Imagery.

Flesh-seeking Kangaroo

Before Bailey was born, I read about "Kangaroo Care" for babies. It's just a sort of philosophy that children need skin to skin contact with parents and that giving it to them makes them happier, and helps them feel more safe. Kangaroo care involves holding your baby and playing with your baby while you're both naked to have as much skin to skin contact as possible. Mostly just laying on mine or daddy's chest, or being held belly to belly.

Perhaps this practice has made her the grabbiest, pinchiest, slappiest baby ever. When she's nursing she has windmill arm going on one side, just around and around to touch whatever is in reach. When I'm rocking her to sleep she grabs at my neck and sleeves, always looking for some skin, even when she's not hungry. When we're swimming and I'm holding her she blows on my shoulders. She always reaches out to grab Caiden's or Daddy's face or anyone else that gets close enough to her. She pinches noses and chins and necks and scratches too. She's never trying to hurt you but she can be pretty strong.

So maybe it was the Kangaroo Care or just taking after me. Whenever I complain to Tyler that he hasn't touched me enough he'll say, "But I hug you all the time" and I'll tell him "no no no, you have to touch my skin." What can I say? Bailey knows what she wants. So fair warning to those who hold her. She's a pincher/scratcher. But she's adorable and cute and kisses too!

Happy Easter!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

I love you you hottie!

(taken from the 80's music video he made with his brothers)

Yours and Mine

Almost 2 weeks ago a new door opened up for me. One I wasn't really expecting to open up for me, one that I feared if it did open up for me would mean something was wrong. But nothing was wrong and the most unexpected happened, and yet it doesn't seem all that unbelievable.

Suddenly there is a new part of my life, or a part of my life re-awakened. It makes me feel more whole, but it doesn't really change anything.

The baby boy I gave away over ten years ago is again part of my life. He's not a baby anymore, he's a tall and handsome and incredibly smart and adventurous kid! And not only do I feel a renewed connection to him, but I feel part of the whole big family that is his now and that is what makes me so happy! I am so happy for him, for them, and grateful that they would allow me to be part of it!

I can only blog about what is my life and would feel out of place blogging about what is theirs, but I just have to say what wonderful parents he has. I can only hope to be as full of love and as accepting as they are and as patient and willing. My impression will always remain that the circumstances of our lives collided and he was meant to be theirs, that I will never regret the difficult decision I made because he couldn't be in any better hands, though I will always fiercely love him as my own too.

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Where's Bailey?

Peekaboo!

Knee Pain explained

Occasionally I get knee pain. I usually just figure it's because I did the stairstepper the day before at the gym, or maybe lots of squats that day or whatever. Sometimes I can't really explain why for a few days my knees will really bother me and then suddenly they don't.

Women's Health magazine ran an article last month that really made sense to me and I'm sure it's true in my case. It said that while a woman is ovulating, higher estrogen levels cause a decrease in collagen in the ligament, making the ACL looser.

For me, this information was wonderful to have--one of my greatest fears is a knee injury. Now I know when to be a little more careful and can also understand why my knee bothers me more at some times. Hurray again for Women's Health, I love that magazine!

Story Corps

NPR's Story Corps buses are here!

Almost 4 years ago, when I was working for missionary travel, I was sitting in the Lieutenant governor's office at the capital, waiting for some apostilles on birth certificates to get missionary visas. While I was waiting I picked up a copy of Atlantic Monthly on the coffee table. I don't know the first thing about that magazine still or who their readers are. But I read an article about Story Corps, an organization for gathering stories, or rather, interviews, and recording them. I was instantly intrigued, I was an anthropology major after all.

Though the idea of recording interviews or writing down stories from individuals' histories is not entirely new, I commend their recognition of how important it is! The bus travels around the nation to different cities, while some cities have permanent locations such as booths in subway stations, for the recording and archiving of these stories. The participants of course receive their own copy, but the stories become forever part of Story Corps collection and some are played on NPR.

I love it because I believe everyone has a story. And those stories evolve over time and our view of those things evolve as well as what we learn and how we change due to those stories. This has been especially true for me.

I wish I had recorded some of the stories that H. had told me before he had died. Each of my parents have some written stories of their ancestors, and I love hearing about them. I'm not sure how I'm going to participate yet, but I feel the need to participate, to know something more about someone's life who is close to me. I'm just excited that they're here and I think it's such a wonderful opportunity, something you can do on your own anytime, but why not do it for a public record?

The stories I've listened to make me feel more connected to people all over the world, perhaps that is why I have no hesitation sharing stories of my own. I crave intimacy above all things. Visit the Story Corps website here.

Canyonlands 5 mile run

Trying new things is something I absolutely love, though it turns out there's not much that I'm really good at. There are some things that I have tried over and over again just to be with friends, meanwhile hoping and telling myself that someday I will enjoy it more or actually get somewhat decent at it. It's frustrating sometimes, but the experiences are always worth it.

So last fall April asked if I was interested in doing the Canyonlands half marathon with her this March. I'm not a runner, never have been. But it's a beautiful course through country we both love. Since I had just had a baby in August, I figured I could do the 5 mile run on the same day as the half marathon and signed up. And since being outdoors and being active are probably two of the most important things in my life besides my family, I was game.

At first I shrugged it off as a wussy race, after all, I workout at the gym every day, doing mostly cardio stuff. Then I started to get a bit nervous, I hardly ever run for those 40 minutes, I hardly ever run at a racing pace either. I knew I could do 5 miles though, so I just kind of let it go at that, not really training, telling myself it would just be for fun. That worked pretty good, but then when you tell people you're running in a race, there's an expectation that you want to do well, and I got nervous again. I heard that races were addictive, that once you do one, you'll want to do more, longer, harder, etc. I'm still wondering about that, but here's how it went.

My goal was to do 9 minute miles and finish in 45 minutes. I had never actually done this, but thought it was do-able. I told Tyler it would be unlikely though and to count on me at the finish line somewhere between the 50 minute and 1 hour mark. That seemed more likely considering how horribly Bailey slept on our trip down to Moab and the night before the race in the hotel.

I surprised myself by how well I did and also by how hard it was. My final time was 43:44, but I felt pretty dead when I finished. It did feel absolutely wonderful to see Tyler and Bailey there at the end though and I think I'd consider doing that 5 mile run again. What I loved most about it was the community of the whole thing. I loved how at the start line I saw people of all ages, parents with children, couples, groups of friends, etc. I loved how the city supported the race, how children waited on their front lawns to high five us as we finished up the last miles in town.

April did incredible on her 13 mile run and is considering doing it again or another race (this was not her first). For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing (you bring the boat please), talk books or movies, but like I said, I may do the 5 mile run again.

What is especially nice is that since we are in Moab, this afternoon after the race we got to visit one of the canyons and tomorrow we'll do a bit more hiking around before heading home. So here are a few shots of me hiking and playing in Hunter canyon.

the state I live in

I love Utah, but have to admit how absolutely embarrassing it can be sometimes that our tax dollars can be spent on days or weeks or months of discussion over the most ridiculous legislative issues. Is it really better if alcoholic drinks are mixed away from the eyes of children? Isn't "shielding" children from the truth sort of denying them the chance to learn about it? Would not knowing that some people choose to drink alcohol keep you from ever trying it later?

What bothers me about this is that rather than creating a culture of honesty, we're creating one that encourages people to keep secrets. This is really something that bothers me about being a Mormon. So many things are frowned upon either by belief or by social and cultural consequences that I believe there is a great deal too much shame, insecurity, and then secrecy created.

Shouldn't a religion inspire honesty?

Learning to Play Catch

When I started to roll the ball with Bailey I really couldn't believe that she could, or even that she wanted to try to roll it back to me. She impresses me all the time with the things she wants to do and is learning to do!

AND she plays an instrument

Cute and talented!




Also, check out her head tilt action.

Places I've Lived

I haven't owned that many vehicles (see Tyler's blog), but I've lived in a lot of apartments. So in short, the places I've lived as an adult prior to getting married. This is long, I'm trying to keep it to just some info about the places I lived, and not a life narrative.

Just after graduating from high school I moved into the dorms at BYU and attended the summer term. There is nothing else to say about that semester except that I didn't spend much time in my dorm.

Then I moved in with B and H in Longview, Washington, around September 1997. I had a bedroom in the front of their house, my first time ever having my own room in my life. I was pretty awkward there, partly the situation, and partly because I guess I didn't know how to make friends without my more outgoing sister around. So I never had friends over, except for the boy who became my sort of boyfriend, who wanted to be my hero I think.

Then I moved back home to Missoula and lived with my parents again in May 1998. I worked 2 jobs and spent any free time hanging out with people from the LDS institute there.

I got accepted back into BYU and headed down to Provo in January 1999. I moved into the dorms again (Deseret Towers) and this time experienced what living in the dorms is really like. My roommate was the only one I've ever had that I wasn't particularly friends with, she had got engaged over the Christmas break and so spent most of her time with her fiance. They got married halfway through the semester and so I had the room to myself after that. The girls next door to me were super friendly, and between them and 2 other rooms, we had a good little group for going to movies, ice cream, etc. I never really hung out in the "common" rooms, but more often in the other girls' rooms, one room had a small tv where we watched movies, other times we'd just pile around on beds or on the floor for late-night talking.

With the girls from my dorm floor we all moved to the apartment complex Roman Gardens in the fall of 1999. Six of the girls rented one of the larger apartments just above the one I rented with my roommate. Mine was on the bottom floor, and the smallest apartment in the complex. It had just one bedroom, for 2 renters, and had cinderblock walls. I loved my roommate. I can't count how many nights we starting talking in the bathroom while getting ready for bed, one of us washing our face, the other sitting on the side of the tub in pajamas, and somehow that conversation kept us talking in that tiny space for hours on end.m In the summer of 2000 she went home for the summer and I roomed with a girl I'd never met. We got along great as well and that summer was one of the funnest I ever had. The complex looks kind of like this one:

I lived in that basement apartment for a year until I went to Jerusalem in the fall of 2000. There I shared a room with 3 other girls whom I also grew to love. We lived in the BYU Jerusalem center and couldn't have asked for a better setting. Each dormitory room there has its own balcony overlooking Jerusalem. The hallways are open air with trees growing up into the sky and cobblestone floor walkways. My apartment number was 310 and sometimes we had dance parties there, mostly the idea of our roommate from Spain, at those times the apartment was referred to as "310 Underground."

Our semester in Israel was cut short by about a month so I didn't have a place to live in Provo. I moved in with my cousin Amanda and her husband Ryan. They had a small apartment really close to campus with an extra room and despite being newlyweds, were nice enough to take me in for the remainder of the semester.

In January 2001 I moved back into my basement apartment at Roman Gardens. I don't remember this time as fondly, perhaps I was tired of the atmosphere there, or maybe because things really took a turn for the worse with my boyfriend around that time too.

In May I went with BYU's archaeology department to a field school "dig" nearby Escalante. I lived in a tent provided by the department with one other girl. We had cots to put our sleeping bags on and besides that pretty much lived out of our duffels/suitcases. We went to bed not too long after the sun set and got up just before it rose. I felt healthier than ever then, probably because of being saturated in such a natural environment.

The dig lasted 2 months and then I moved back to Roman Gardens around the beginning of July. It was a larger apartment and I shared it with 3 other girls. The girl I shared my room with had also been my roommate in Jerusalem and I'd asked her if she wanted to room together again. I really admired her and she was lots of fun. I probably wasn't the best roommate then, I was still going through a hard time with my old boyfriend, he'd began dating a different girl in the complex and I hated seeing them around together. Then we began a sort of friendship again that often left me confused and hurt. I got closer to the other 2 girls in the apartment as well though and I think we all had a pretty great fall semester then. It was my senior year at BYU and that fall was the first and only one I went to any football games. We all bought tickets together and went to the games, painting our faces and shouting along with the cheers (though I admit I knew nothing of the game then.)

In January 2002 I moved to a different apartment complex with some friends from Roman Gardens. I had to "sell" the second half of my rental contract at Roman Gardens but I was lucky enough to get a buyer. The new complex was called The Academy and it was across from the old Academy building in Provo, that is now the city library. There were 4 of us in the apartment. I didn't like the complex as much because it wasn't as easy to make friends and there was no central place to hang out--no rec room, no courtyard, no pool, etc. I started dating my old boyfriend again and spent a lot of my time back over at the Roman Gardens complex. The Academy Apartments looked kind of like this building:

I graduated in April, but moved back to Roman Gardens for the summer. A couple of my old roommates were still there and I moved into the 4-person apartment I'd been in before. I had a job on campus and then swam in the pool or sat in the hot tub almost every day. I was looking for all sorts of different jobs, getting a little discouraged that I didn't know quite what I wanted to do or what I wanted to happen to my relationship. But I didn't want to stick around Provo and didn't feel like my relationship had much of a future. I took the job teaching English in Japan and left in mid-August 2002.

The school I was working for in Japan was privately owned/managed. At most times there were 3-6 teachers employed and we lived in the owners home. Her home was a more modern Japanese one, attached to her mother-in-laws much older home and a large room connecting them made up the "school" though most of the classes I taught were in smaller buildings throughout the area. I had a room up a very narrow set of stairs and hated that I could hear rats running through the attic most nights. The ceiling was paneled and sometimes I dreamt that the rats pulled back the panels and watched me sleeping. The town was considered the countryside of Japan, or in fact, more like the boonies, but houses were still packed together. The land was very green though and I loved being next to the beach and bamboo-covered mountains all at once. This is a scene of Toyohama:

I cut short my 1 year contract in Japan to come home in April 2003. My sister was getting married and I was ready to move back home. I stayed with my parents (who had moved to Ogden area just a month or so before I left for Japan) for just a few weeks before finding the house on 700 east that I moved into. I lived in that house for 2 years with 3 other girls. At first I was in the smallest bedroom upstairs but moved into the larger downstairs room after one of the girls moved out. The first year I spent a lot of weekends away, driving to Las Vegas or Hurricane (St. George area) to visit my college boyfriend. But I was already in love with the neighborhood, the perfect downtown location 2 blocks south of Trolley Square and 1 block north of Liberty Park.

This house quickly became my favorite place I've ever lived. I think I felt most free there to be myself than anywhere else. My roommates were wonderful and I began to go out a ton. I started my Master's Program at the U and started dating Tyler. I moved out in May 2005 when I got married. I still love to drive by that house.

Those are the places I've lived, between 1997 and 2005.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What is half a year?

Half a year is not enough time to keep you from waking me up 2-4 times a night.
Half a year is more than enough time to wait to hear you say ma ma ma ma ma ma.
Half a year is not enough time to not miss you when I'm away just a few hours.
Half a year is more than enough time to memorize how your body feels against mine, even as it changes from stick legs to thunder thighs and then to crawling ones.
Half a year is not enough time to forget how many hours I was in labor.
Half a year is more than enough time to return the CD April lent me for the hospital trip. (Um, did you want that back?)
Half a year, half a lifetime, is not enough time to give you all the love I want to.
Half a year, half a minute, is more than enough time to fall hopelessly in love with you.

The Suit-dress Incident

Today we were shopping for Tyler. He needed some new clothes for his new job and Bailey and I were happy to be with him since we don't all get to hang out together often.

I love to shop for clothes for Bailey and I was thinking about when it would become not so fun. When will she start wanting to pick them out herself and when will I not like what she chooses? I'm not sure when it happened for me, but I can think of one time in particular, that just may have been the first.

When April and I were 8 years old we were baptized in the LDS church. Prior to that event we were shopping for dresses. This was kind of rare, usually my mom made our dresses. I know we usually got a new home-made dress on Easter most years anyway. My mom made my prom dress in high school and many of my Christmas dresses. She helped me sew my own wedding dress because I wanted a particular design that couldn't be bought.

So when we were 8 we were at Kmart and there were some lacy/ruffly dresses and then there was what I"ll call a suit-dress. I wanted the suit dress and my mom wanted me to have the lacy/ruffly kind. April was going for one of the ruffly kinds as well. I think I cried. I know I kept insisting that I liked the one much better. I know my mom would remember it as one of my most stubborn moments of childhood.

At the end of the shopping trip, I don't think we got the dresses, my mom said she would get them later or something? All I know is that I didn't yet know what decision she had come to regarding which one would be mine. April was settled with the pink ruffly/lacy dress, and there was a similar purple one that I think my mom wanted for me. I remember that I didn't find out until later that she had decided to go ahead and buy me the suit-dress I wanted. I'm sure I was happy, I remember that dress well. I remember the rule that I had to wear the jacket with it because the dress top was sleeveless. I know sometimes I took the jacket off, but I don't remember how often or if it was a big deal if I was caught.

Here is our family photo at April and I's baptism on 1987. I am wearing the suit dress I stubbornly desired. April isn't wearing the ruffly pink one in this picture, but that is the one she got.

These days I might be more inclined to go with the ruffly pink dress myself, I love to feel girly and being a mother brings it out more. Apologies to anyone in my family who may not appreciate having this particular photo of them posted, I am using it for demonstrative purposes only :)

All About Soul

I was recently sent an article about how Billy Joel is the Worst Pop Singer Ever. It was pretty hilarious and I pretty much have to agree. Except I remembered later that I might have a few of his songs in my collection. And it turns out I do, one that I've liked the lyrics to since I was in middle school I think. I looked them up and it turns out I still like them. It's far from being a favorite song, but the lyrics to "All About Soul" give me a picture of the kind of wife I want to be.


She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain

It's all about soul
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul
'Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong
'Cause so many things gettin' out of control
Should drive her away
So why does she stay?
It's all about soul

She turns to me sometimes and she asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say

It's all about soul
It's all about knowin' what someone is feelin'
The woman's got soul
The power of love and the power of healin'
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
As she comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive

It's all about soul
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul
Who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow
You've got to be hard
As hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

More cereal please Mommy

I just love the way it feels on my chin!

SFF 09 Part 2

Sundance is over and I hardly felt part of it this year. Usually by day 8 or 9 of the festival I'm ready for it to be over because I'm so exhausted from all of the late nights and early mornings at my regular job. But this time I was ready for it to be over because I'm still lacking sleep each night getting up with Bailey and honestly, though I'd like some more "me" time, I wasn't that into it.

So I worked my shift and tried to be as helpful as possible. I saw a friend from my old work in the waitlist line for a popular zombie nazi movie and was happy to see that she got in. Then I watched while a bunch of volunteers got photos with Benjamin Bratt who was there as part of the cast for "La Mission." I heard that the movie was really good and it seemed that he was pretty friendly considering the amount of photos he was willing to be in and his good-natured smile.

When Tyler updated me on how Bailey went down for bed though I really longed to be home and started thinking about how much I'd love to leave early, just like all of the other volunteers that have driven me crazy as a manager in previous years. I didn't ask, and I didn't get off early because it was the last night for festival showings at the Broadway and we had to break down and inventory all of the equipment.

Still, I was happy to be a small part of the festival, and next year I'll look forward to seeing festival movies again. I did run into "the dude we see everywhere" again this year, he happened to be working at the Broadway on one of my shifts too, so I assured him that though I don't know him, my husband and I feel like we're his friends since we see him everywhere, and he was happy to hear that. : )

Also, Tyler and I did bring Bailey over to the Rose Wagner theater to show her off to the people I've worked with the last couple of years at the festival. Though I typically only see these people once a year, it was fun to say hi and get a quick update on their lives. Bailey was a doll for them of course.

SFF 09 Part 1

In keeping with tradition, I feel compelled to write something about the Sundance film festival this year. However, this year is different in that I am only working a few shifts, primarily to maintain my alumni status as a volunteer so that I can work at my preferred venue in the future.

I'm also not seeing any movies. This is because with my part-time job shifts and Sundance shifts, I don't want to be away from Bailey any more than that. It's been hard to not let myself get too excited, but in the whole scheme of things, one year of missing movies won't kill me. It's always fun to just be a part of it and I usually only see a small portion of the over 100 films showing in those 10 days anyway.

So last weekend were my first two shifts. I was back at the Broadway instead of the Rose Wagner and I enjoyed the faster pace of it there. The managers brought to our attention that it's the one of two theaters at Sundance that has 3 screens running movies so it definitely has some of the most traffic. And I like that about it.

The first night the only thing of note to me was the Shorts program. A lot of cast and crew came for several of the shorts selected. One of them featured a young girl, my guess was that she was about 10 or 11 years old. She sat out of the theater waiting for the show to finish to back in for the Q & A afterwards. What impressed me about her was that she was sitting in the lobby reading the book "The Shack," something that's been on my reading list a few months now and seemed heavy content for a young girl. She was sitting out on the movie because the other shorts in the collection were more of the R-rated type while hers was suitable for most audiences. I watched her walk in when the show was finished and she carried herself so well, I immediately thought she must be a very bright little girl.

The second night I worked until almost 2 am. The midnight movie had already gained a lot of popularity despite only being shown once before so far at the festival. Then we got word that a very VIP person was coming to the screening. Security kept calling to notify us of how far away they were and to make the request that the theater be seated already so that they could sit in the back to be there for the Q & A afterwards. So after seating them, we calmly waited and then in walked Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon with a large entourage. I'm not a big fan of hers, but it was definitely fun to see her.

I just have one more shift to work this weekend and it will be over again until next year.