Naked Ladies

Naked ladies is a nickname for the flower Amaryllis, one of my favorites. I have my mother to thank for introducing them to me. I remember many holiday seasons where the flower was purchased just after Thanksgiving in time to bloom for Christmas or the New Year. Since being on my own I think I've still purchased an amaryllis every year to enjoy. I love them for being so fantastically beautiful, and because it all happens so fast. When the bud bursts open I feel kind of a happiness inside and hope for the future. I'm not sure why, I love other flowers too, but they don't quite affect me in the same way.

This year's is a "clown" amaryllis because it is red and white. Maybe 2009 will be better than 2008, or maybe this night Bailey will sleep better than last, I'll take either.

When I lived in Longview, Washington, I went to see the LDS temple in Portland, which I think blows most others out of the water for its unique shape and beauty. Also, because Portland is so rainy they have an atrium just within the doors, in the waiting area for pictures just in case the weather is not accommodating new brides and grooms. I sat in this atrium once while my mom was doing some temple work and an older gentleman who worked there came to chat with me. He told me the amaryllises were imported from South Africa, where they are native to. I was impressed because I've never seen a group of them together and it was really spectacular. I don't have a photo, but I vow to take one if I visit that temple again.

Bailey blue eyes

Though I can't speak with 100% surety, I'm now pretty sure that Bailey's eyes are going to be blue. I love to dress her in blue to show them off even more. They are so beautiful! Why don't they make more blue little girl clothes?

It must have been a good Christmas

Apparently Bailey enjoyed Christmas so much that she has learned to make fun squealing noises. I'm hoping she'll be asleep when we ring in the New Year, but she's practicing her squeals anyway.

Books read in 2008

A Widow for One Year--John Irving
The Fountainhead--Ayn Rand
The Delivery Man--Joe McGinniss
Factotum--Charles Bukowski
Divisadero--Michael Ondaatje
One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich--Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Saving Fish from Drowning--Amy Tan
A Planet Called Treason--Orson Scott Card
The Rum Dairy--Hunter S. Thompson
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas--Hunter S. Thompson
Beautiful Losers--Leonard Cohen
Mayflower--Nathaniel Philbrook
Screamfree Parenting--Hal Runkel
Hypnobirthing--Marie Mongan
Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn--Nancy Simkin
The Colony--John Tayman
Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling--Richard Bushman
The Wilderness Journals of Everett Ruess

Erran Baron Cohen

This morning on my way to the gym I heard a part of the NPR interview of Erran Baron Cohen. He is Sacha Baron Cohen's brother and a musician. He recently made an album called "Songs in the Key of Hanukkah" and the discussion focused on that. He talked about the need for updated Hanukkah music and of his experience with the New York City rapper Y-love, who recently became an Orthodox Jew and can rap in English, Yiddish, and Aramaic. My favorite part was when he talked about dressing up like Hassidic Jews with his brother and the song about sweating that they would sing as they took off layers of clothing. It was an entertaining story and I was tempted to stay in the car and listen, but I finished it at home, turns out I only missed a few minutes because it's just 10 minutes long.

While I think that the copious amounts of Christmas music there is and of Christmas albums marking the end of dwindling music careers, is a bit ridiculous, I happen to actually like a lot of it. But the idea of a new Hanukkah album really intrigued me and I checked it out. I guess listening to more global music makes me feel more part of the world. In any case, I really liked it and found it worth passing on to my readers.

Serious about sledding

Bailey: "Should I hold really still?"

Caiden: "This is AWESOME!"

Bailey: "What did we just do Mom?"

Bailey: "I'm not sure yet if that was fun, but I'm glad you're holding me now."

Bailey is a tease

If you haven't seen these pictures yet, I'm posting them now because I just love them so much!

"Alene usually eats 5"

H.'s grandchildren were all at the funeral and most of them I hadn't seen for 10 years. The oldest son, A., recently came home from rehab in eastern Washington. I know he's having a hard time of it all while also trying to be strong for his single mom and for his grandma. I reminded him of some funny things he used to say and what a smart alec he was. He was 10 or 11 when I lived there. One time A. had spent the night at B. and H.'s and he and grandpa had picked up some donuts in the morning. When I woke up late and came out to the kitchen A. told me they'd gotten those donuts and he had picked one out just for me. It was a round donut with pink frosting and covered in sprinkles. A few minutes later B. came out and asked A. if she could have a donut too, to which he replied that there may not be enough because "Alene usually eats 5." Despite my penchant for donuts, I'm not sure that I've ever eaten 5 at one time in my life so I was as surprised as anyone else when he said that. I think of all those kids very fondly and though they hardly know me or remember me, there will always be a huge place in my heart for them.

The funeral was really beautiful. I've never wanted so badly to be able to give someone one last hug and not be able to, so I can't stop thinking of how much H.'s family must be hurting. At the cemetery it was very cold and rainy. We crowded as close together as we could. There was a gun salute for H.'s service in the Navy and they played Taps. I lost it again when they folded up the flag and gave it to B., thanking her for her husband's service, it was so beautiful.

I was grateful I could show my love and support to the family. Thank you to my Mom and Dad for flying me out there on their frequent flier miles and all the help with Bailey! I called them my Sherpas all weekend because they kept carrying all of my stuff for me. They also gave me a quick chance to see my brother's family in Kennewick, only a few hours away, and their children, including Bailey's new cousin Amber. Bailey was an absolute angel on the trip, sleeping through most of our flights and giving everyone lots of coos and smiles. I am so lucky to have such a sweet and happy baby!

2008 in Review

But it did happen

All of it happened. Eleven days ago H. walked himself into the hospital and yesterday he died. It was a complete shock to all of us and though I promised I wouldn't cry when talking to his daughter, the moment I opened my mouth I did. H. had 2 children, a daughter and a son who died in his early 20's. H. and B. moved to Washington to live close to their daughter who now has 5 children. He is the world to them as he was to his wife and daughter. I can't think of them without crying.

I knew them first when I was little. My twin sister and I used to visit their house just down the street and see their baby pigs. H. also reminded me that we used to sit on their laps in church and beg him to draw pictures for us, saying "make me a kitty-cat" and he would put his fist in front of our face and then open it up like performing a spell and say "Poof! You're a kitty-cat." Later he told me how he and B. would always quote something one of us once said: "I'm not talking to you again until next time."

The next time was several years later. My family had moved to Montana and they'd made a couple moves. My parents got in touch with them just months before all of this.

Here they are at my wedding reception in 2005. Fortunately I've gotten to visit them twice since then, the last time just last April. I was in Portland for a tradeshow and they were able to come down and see me. I am SO thankful for that visit!

I'll be heading up to the funeral this weekend.

Barbarian Invasion

"Les Invasions Barbares" is a Canadian film that I saw a few years ago. It quickly ranked within my top 10 favorite movies. It is the story of a man dying of cancer. His doctor has given him a limited amount of time to live and he gathers around him his loved ones and family. It is a simple plot and a simple movie. It is not visually stunning like my other favorite "Great Expectations." It is not overwhelmingly discouraging and comforting all at once like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or heroic like "The Last Samurai" or "Alive" nor refreshingly troubling like "The Mosquito Coast."

In fact, it is sometimes surprising to me that I like this movie so much, but I do. The old man's son is among the group gathering for his death and preparing for it. He is not close to his father, probably because he resents his father for straying from his mother. Also among the group is a fellow college professor, the ex-wife of main character, and 2 of his former lovers. Most of the movie is spent with the characters reminiscing over their pasts and their love of life. Some of the movie deals with the use of heroine for pain. I just love the way they talk of the passions they've shared, the theories they supported or thwarted, the way they viewed love and relationships and how they evolved for each of them.

As I write this portion I'm tearing up because I will soon be visiting a dear friend who is at this time experiencing his own barbarian invasion. He is probably the best person I've ever met in my whole life. H and his wife have been married for 49 years. He built their current home and then built another one onto it for their daughter and her 5 children.

H and his wife took me in when I was 18 and pregnant. I lived with them when I gave up my baby boy for adoption 10 years ago. I remember many times that H stopped and helped someone on their way. I remember him always volunteering at his grandchildrens school. I remember his stories of the military and of moving his family across the nation. I remember his stories of religious conversion. I remember stories of pain. I remember love and concern expressed and oil changed and windshields scraped. I remember sometimes having to shout to be heard and sometimes impatiently hoping he would drive faster. Above all, I am not sure I ever felt more loved in my life than I did then and I owe them everything I am for that.

Tonight my mom called and told me that H's doctor gave him 2 more weeks to live. He has a golf-ball sized tumor in his brain that very little can be done about. I don't know yet what I'll do, but I know I would love for him to see my baby Bailey. I know I would love for him to know how much he means to me.

Just because it 'is,' doesn't mean it should be

Tyler and I were able to go see the movie "Australia" Wednesday night when it opened. In the movie, Nicole Kidman's character says the line: "Just because something 'is,' doesn't mean it should be." I loved that line.

I'm an idealist and so I know the exact sentiment she was expressing. If something could be so wonderful, why would we be happy with anything less? Of course this sentiment can lead to a lot of disappointment for me when I'm not willing to just be happy with the way things are. And it can often be confused with a negative attitude instead of one that aspires for better.

But I think there is a strength and tenacity to someone who insists on becoming whom they want to be or making what they want out of their life, despite the obstacles. That's why the movie Gattaca is one of my all-time favorites. Vincent has a dream and will not give it up for anything.

Another movie I love, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" deals with an opposite theme, the theme of not trying to be something that you're not. The Pumpkin King does Halloween best and clearly ruins Christmas when he attempts to do that.

So, although contradictory, I think it's possible for people to do what they do best and not try to be something that they're not while also striving with all of their might to fulfill their dreams.

Silly as it sounds, and I may regret this later, I believe that's why I'm like the John Locke character on LOST. You know the episode where as a child he's asked which items represent him in a pile? And he keeps choosing the knife, but it's clearly not him. But he wants the knife to be him. He wants to be a hunter.

I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want to be something that is most likely out of the realm of possibilities for me. But who can tell me that I shouldn't try? Who can make that call that it's just not for me, when I am still a believer that anything is possible?

Aren't all things changeable? Aren't all things possible if it means enough to you to make it that way? Just because things are a certain way doesn't mean that's the way they should be or that we should accept that. After all "Don't go placidly among the apathy and lethargy" is another line I live by. (See the whole poem 'Desiderata Too' in this post).

Scouts and Navy Seals

Recently I was named Den Leader in my local cub scouts organization. I don't know much about scouts except that all my brothers had to do it. At some points my sister and I were jealous of the things they got to do, learn to waterski, earn a merit badge. Sounds like a lot of fun, especially when you compare it to the LDS Young Womanhood award we had to get.

I remember feeling jipped that I never got to do a 50 mile hike and in fact I still haven't. I plan out long backpacking trips in my mind all the time, something like the "Wine to Waves" trip (Napa to San Fran), or "Rim to Rim", or something in the 4 corners area allowing me to see Hovenweep, Mesa Verde, and Canyon de Chelly.

So anyway, I started out with a requirement that included discussing 2 great Americans that had served their country. One of my choices was Michael Durant, the blackhawk pilot that was held in Somalia for 11 days by enemy forces. I loved reading his book "In the Company of Heroes" and hearing how his friends would fly by blaring his favorite AC/DC songs so he'd know they were out looking for him and wouldn't give up. I also loved the background he provides about Delta Force and Navy Seals. He says the following quotes about the organizations:

"They were the kind of professionals who could pick off a rabbit from a roller coaster with a BB gun."

"They will accept any challenge, professional or personal. They fight like panthers on speed, and when they're done, they party as if they've been pent up all day in a cage."

I love how easy to visualize those descriptions are and the admiration for him that his compliment reveals. I think it impressed the group of 9-year-old boys I had too. Hopefully I can keep scouts exciting for them.

Bodyworlds and athleticism

I went to see the Bodyworlds exhibit last Friday with April and my mother-in-law Valerie. I was really looking forward to it because I remember reading "The Agony and the Ecstasy" and learning how Michelangelo had broken into morgues so that he could dissect bodies to learn how to more accurately draw them.

Being kind of a health freak myself despite the amount of sweets I eat, I love learning about my body. I've always felt that our bodies are so incredibly capable that we should make the most use of them that we can. What a shame to waste the ability we have to walk, run, dance, etc. And what a shame that most of us don't have the freedom to be out hiking around all day.

Anyway, I absolutely loved the exhibit. Three things really stuck out the most for me. I loved seeing the development of babies and the reproductive organs of adults. Having recently had a baby I am still in awe as to how it is that their bodies grow first inside the womb and then outside. It is truly amazing.

I also loved seeing the IT band, a bundle of fibers running down the outside length of your leg. My IT band occasionally gets sore from working out and I'm forced to roll it on a hard cylindrical foam-type roller at the gym. My former yoga teacher taught me how to do this properly and I assure you it hurts like a mofo, but it gets the job done.

Most of all I was impressed by the heart, the star of the whole exhibit. What I was surprised to learn was that all hearts are not proportionately sized to the person. While most people's hearts are the size of their fist, some have abnormally large hearts (such as Lance Armstrong) and the heart can also grow with exercise. Some of the hearts shown in the exhibit were so huge I could never imagine room for them in someone's chest. It was inspiring to see how powerful the heart is and how hard it works, and also to consider what more I can do with my body.

I never did sports growing up and am not really cut out for them to be honest, my coordination is not the best, nor my strength or speed. Being an "athlete" was never something I really aspired to, I think other learning is more important. But, the more I do with my body, the more I realize how connected it is to my mind, and how disciplining one strengthens the other also. And I love the way athletes can show their excitement through their whole body!

In a history class at BYU my professor assigned a book called "Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism." I don't think Michael Jordan is the most iconic athlete of our time or the most admirable, but I love this quote of Harry Edwards' that is referenced in the book: "If I were charged with introducing an alien life form to the epitome of human potential, creativity, perseverance, and spirit, I would introduce that alien life form to Michael Jordan.”

To me, it just says that there is much more to athleticism than physical ability, and it inspires me to strive to reach my potential.

(I also noted that considering that the majority of the bodies donated to the Bodyworlds exhibit were those of old scientists, I think it quite generous of the artistic team to pose them as such incredible athletes.)

Bailey's got skills

If you don't read Tyler's blog, I've posted the same video he has of Bailey reading. I've been reading to Bailey almost everyday since she was born because even though she can't understand, I heard it would help her learn words in her future. She seems to have picked up the skill, because now when I open a book she talks away.



I was also surprised to see her roll over from her tummy to her back for the first time by herself on Friday, just shy of 3 months old! She is just determined to be grown up.

I Drink Your Milkshake

Tyler and I love all movies done by PT Anderson, especially last year's "There Will Be Blood." Well a parody was done of a scene from the movie where Day-Lewis' character is talking about how his drill gets oil from land that isn't even his. I've embedded the video, which is hilarious. (If you're using an RSS feed, you'll have to visit the actual blog to see the video)

I was reminded of it tonight when we were sitting eating some pizza watching the game and I said out loud that I wanted a milkshake. Tyler went into the kitchen and came back with a milkshake he had bought for me and one for him and one for Caiden too. He had picked them up when he got the pizza, before I had even mentioned wanting a milkshake. He must have seriously read my mind.

Bailey's first snow

Well she seems to have liked it, but we weren't out there for long.

Michael Crichton is dead

I read a few of Michael Crichton's science fiction novels, but my favorite book was an autobiographical one called "Travels." My boyfriend teased me for liking it so much but it was fascinating. Crichton's undergrad degree was anthropology and then he went to medical school. He began writing then and it helped pay for his way through, but eventually became his profession.

In the book "Travels" he tells of various experiences in medical school, a little about some of his 5 marriages, and about travel around the globe doing research for his novels. It includes adventures like shark encounters and visits to pyramids, but is far more an introspective book than a recounting of things he's done. He questions why people do things the way they do or think the way they do. I loved his discussion of western medicine's limitations by sticking to rational explanations only. He seemed ready to embrace any concept he was introduced to, viewing it as information not in contradiction of other information, but merely just another set of information.

Though I consider myself pretty open-minded, the book truly helped me recognize the narrow scope through which I see the world and how to further expand it. Clifford Geertz is actually my hero in this field, but Crichton seems a bit more approachable and I enjoyed his non-academic perspective.

I may not be ready to go around fluffing up other people's auras (as he had done to him once), but I'd happily explore the psychology behind illnesses or alternative medicine and hopefully not discount the explanations given by people of other cultures.

Happy Halloween

Bailey was happy her Grandma Speer got her the pink leopard outfit that her mom wanted because it was perfect for the last East high varsity playoff game. Their mascot is a leopard and the school colors and red and white so pink was a close match. Unfortunately, she slept through most of the game so she didn't get on TV like I thought she surely would have if the cameraman had got a glimpse.

Caiden went as an astronaut and for the first time I enjoyed being able to come to his Halloween class parade since I've always been at work before. He was a little too cool for the helmet, though I can't blame him since the extra stuffing in the top elongated his head, giving it a shape more like a knight's helmet.

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Okay okay, so I wish I was a more interesting person myself, but it can't be helped that I only want to blog about my kids now.

I was proud to make a dessert that Caiden thought was really cool. Straight out of Parenting magazine was the jello with gummie worms idea for a Halloween-type treat.

Here is Caiden and Bailey in Halloween costumes before we went on the Haunted Canyon train ride. She loves her big brother so much.

Then the other day I was making a cake and out loud lamented that the recipe didn't indicate if it was a 1 oz package of pudding mix to use or a 3.5 oz package of pudding mix. Caiden commented that cooking required math and then told a clearly made up story that went like this:

"Yeah, this girl was making a cake and the recipe just said 2 of something and so she put in 2 centimeters instead of 2 cups."

And I thought that was an awesome story.

And besides that Bailey and I went to our last East high game of the season last night. The sophomores don't have playoffs so only the Varsity will continue for another week or two depending on how they do. The night ended in tears, but not because I was sad it was ending. I love football season, I really do. I just get stressed out after a couple of months of it. I complained to Tyler how I was sick of driving everywhere by myself and sitting by myself to watch these games, which isn't always the case. Truthfully though I normally love to be able to do something by myself occasionally. I've been known to go to movies by myself, go on long hikes by myself, go out to eat myself, etc. It's just that I get tired of doing it all alone this time of year. It will be nice to have him around in the evenings again.

9009

Caiden had some friends over the other day and they were playing in the other room. Caiden came into the room where I was to show me what he had made. He proudly presented this paper saying "right now it's the number 9,009 but if I erase the comma then it's just nothing" (I guess he thinks it must have the comma).

Guessing what was coming next, I tried to be patient and to stifle my laugh. He said "But if you turn it upside down it says..." and he started laughing himself and couldn't say the word boob out loud.

Bailey's Blessing Day

Bailey looked absolutely beautiful. My mom made her blessing dress and we laid her on the baby blanket I got in Israel, made in Bethlehem. She was so soft and sweet as always, but it was as if she truly felt special in that dress (though her face suggests that she's just very curious about the camera).

Afterwards we had a get together at the house with our families who had come to celebrate her life as well. Since I've often spent Sundays outside the parameters of "keeping the Sabbath day holy" it's ironic that I was frustrated at just how un-ceremonial the day began to seem. I wanted to feel connected to everyone there and for it to truly be a day to ponder and discuss the potential that each life has. And because that didn't happen I felt a little disappointed, or maybe just kind of alone.

There are so many opportunities I want for Bailey and I guess I wanted the chance to show that better, or even more just to feel understood. Why do we so often say those things, but never talk about them specifically? Why do we practice religion, but rarely discuss why it does or should fulfill us or what parts of it do?

I am always craving more intimacy. I want so badly to understand others and be understood. I want all of my relationships to be ones where I am always growing closer and learning more about the other person. I hope I can be close to my children. I hope that they also find a kind of closeness with others that gives them an even stronger sense of identity, allowing them to find meaning in all of the things that they do.

Modern Kangaroos

Another great t-shirt found:

It says:
1 Drink Holder
2 Pen Loop
3 Joey Pouch
4 Additional Accessory Storage
5 MP3 Player Pocket
6 Phone/PDA Pocket
7 Key Hook

This one comes from Threadless

Israel 2000 scanned

I recently scanned my collection of photos from the semester I spent in Israel. It was something I've wanted to do for a long time. It turns out I've finished just about the same time that my experience there took a drastic turn 8 years ago.

It was right around the beginning of October that fighting broke out in the Old City at the Temple Mount. The Temple Mount has of course long been the source of great contention, but this was different, especially considering that it had been more peaceful there in recent years than ever before. Shortly after it began, we got on a bus for our scheduled field trip to Jordan.

From that point on our semester itinerary would change at any moment's notice. We rearranged field trips and had an extended stay at a kibbutz and resort at the Sea of Galilee. For one week we were not allowed to leave the Jerusalem Center building at all. Eventually, we came home one month earlier than planned. It cut short our classes and I never made it to the pyramids of Egypt, but I will never forget many of the things I learned as well as just what it felt like to be there (and I can still recite the Muslim Call to Prayer since I heard it 5 times a day). I can't wait to take my family there someday.

I lost most of the emails I sent from there and a few years later I lost the set of scriptures I had taken there and marked up with copious notes. I've cried over those losses plenty of times, but am grateful I have all of these pictures. And I would never trade that semester over any other more peaceful time in Israel. That's why I love the Bible so much anyway, it's full of passion and war so why not have my experience there be like that too?

Here is a link to my collection on flickr. Middle East photo collection
In the photo at Petra I'm in the middle in red. (Some of you may only know me with dark hair or light hair).

Bailey loves football

Especially East High football. She sometimes sleeps through it, but at the Varsity game last night she was wide awake and anxious to show everyone around her the cute little skirt on her red pants. She loved staring at the stadium lights above us and just bounced on my lap for a good portion of the game.

Nectarines

I feel a little uninspired lately. Part of me is resisting this mold that I think others are expecting me to now fulfill as a mother. Or perhaps it's self-imposed. I want to be a wonderful mother. I just am not sure I'm ready to give in to having a total mom-blog. Nor does being a mother mean I no longer have the dreams I had before. I'm perfectly content to just stare at my baby all day long, to read to her, make her smile, kiss her, take her picture, and hope that she's happy. But I fear that my dreams of living an unordinary life, one of adventure, will seem muted and consequently ignored if I show any sign of them letting up.

(Also, I believe people are defined by the things they actually do, not things they say they will. So I don't like that the person I like to think of myself as, seems to now only exist in short periods of time.)

So I actually got mad at Tyler the other day for not eating some nectarines I bought. Ridiculous, I know, but it came out of a fear that our children will be resistant to trying new things. Caiden won't eat a nectarine when I suggest it for a snack, and I think that if maybe he saw his dad do it, he would. But they're both in the habit of only eating bananas or apples for fruit and whenever I come home with something different, I alone will eat it. After the discussion, Tyler agreed to eat various fruits.

Besides some of those feelings of confusion, I have to share some just a few amusing things.

I met April for lunch at a new restaurant recently. She arrived a few minutes before me and had already gotten her meal. When I brought mine to sit down at the table with her, we discovered we had ordered the exact same thing, same salad, same sandwich.

Instead of playing chess with his Shrek chess set, Caiden now lines them up as football teams and practices his plays. Shrek, as you might guess, is the team's Center because he's the biggest.

Bailey is getting pudgier and more adorable all the time. So of course I had to include a picture of my buta-chan (little pig).

Just like her Daddy

I think she looks just like Tyler but he says her smile is from my family. I'm leaving you to your own conclusions.

Prez Dispenser T-shirt

Yeah, I've seen plenty of funny campaign t-shirts in the last several months, Urban Outfitters seems to always have the best, but I saw this linked on the site www.iliketotallyloveit.com and had to post it.

Playing Dressup

As a kid, my sister and I used to like to play dress-up. This was always a little more fun at our friend Shelby's house because her dress-up clothes seemed more princess-like. But we had a small collection too and wore them out sufficiently I'm sure. I believe even the most tomboy of girls likes to dress up nice occasionally. I also believe that the less you do it the more fun it is, though now I wish I had more opportunities.

Saturday was my cousin's wedding at the Gallivan Center downtown. I knew it would be absolutely beautiful because I love the Gallivan Center. I've rode my bike through the fountains at night numerous times and watched movies from the grass there. I've enjoyed many outdoor concerts there during the summer and one very snowy concert there in the winter. One beautiful night I saw Arlo Guthrie perform and I sat on the edge of the little pool that is an ice rink in the winter, dangling my feet in and enjoying the performance.

So I knew it would be a great night for dressing up. Problematically, I'm not quite fitting into many of my old clothes so I had way more fun dressing Bailey up. At first I'd thought I'd be dressing her up all the time, changing hair bows, painting her face for the games, etc., but onesies and nighties quickly became the norm out of convenience. And of course, to me, she is irresistible as she is. Still, seeing her with her little bow and shiny bracelet make me want to do it more often. She is such a cutie!

Trailhead Tailgating

Not exactly the sport of the season, but I couldn't resist sharing this short list from Outside magazine, courtesy of my mother-in-law.

Here is the text:

Outside Etiquette
On Tailgating at the Trailhead
1. The time spent riding or hiking must be greater than that spent hanging out at the car.
2. If there's beer in the cold stream and you didn't put it there, leave it.
3. Car stereos are acceptable, unless you have a subwoofer or a blown speaker.
4. Joining a Hacky Sack circle is fine; owning a Hacky Sack is not.

Football Attempts a Coup

It would be easy to let Bailey totally hijack my blog, she is pretty much my entire life right now, but football is making its best attempt at a takeover.

Every Thursday afternoon we go to the East High sophomore games where Tyler coaches. Last year we also went to the varsity games on Friday nights because he helps out there too and those games are more exciting. Caiden particularly likes the varsity games because the concession stand is open at them. As you can imagine, for most kids, buying food or candy at the concession stand is more fun than actually watching the game.

Here are some recent conversations with Caiden at the games:

Caiden: "Do you like watching the sophomore games even though there's no food?"
Me: "Yes, I like watching the games. I come for the game, not the food. What about you?"
Caiden: "I like watching the games too, but sometimes I'm starving."
Me: "Even though we bring snacks or eat snacks before hand?"
Caiden: "We brought snacks?"
Me: "No, but today we had snacks after school before driving over here."
Caiden: "Oh."


Caiden: "What are cheerleaders even for?"
Me: "To get the crowd excited."
Caiden: "Well they're not making me excited."

Bailey doesn't care about the concessions, but she likes being outside and that's fun enough. She's also trying to quickly gain a few so she can start wearing her game outfit. She actually likes going to Caiden's games a bit more though because we don't have to sit on the bleachers and she can lay on a blanket on the grass. Admittedly though, she is the center of my attention at the games even though I love watching them and being there.

Testing the Big Bang

My favorite book read for a college course was probably "The Structure of Scientific Revolutions" by Thomas Kuhn, a Physics and Philosophy professor at UC Berkeley, Princeton, and finally, MIT. My class was Symbolic Anthropology at BYU. I littered the margins of that book with copious comments and notes, and I would love to take another look at it, but it too was damaged in our basement flood.

Generally I'm not a fan of hard sciences. I'm not even much of a fan of science fiction unless it somehow addresses the conflicting overlap between free agency and destiny which fascinates me. And of course, I'm crazy about the show LOST which does science fiction very well.

But I loved the book because it seemed to be more about how people think and make decisions than about scientific paradigms. He talked about how shifting paradigms is a decision made based on the new paradigm answering questions better than the last, but the decision is largely aesthetic, it is usually initially made within about 3 seconds.

Somehow reading this article about trying to re-create the Big Bang brought that book back to my mind. Apparently there is some concern that the experiment could cause some very negative effects, or even bring about the end of the world, but I don't see how the experiment could not be done once conceived. I am too much like Eve, or for a more modern example, like Clive Own in "Closer"--if we could know or understand, why wouldn't we want to? Regardless, it's being done tomorrow and I'm anxious about what we'll discover, even if it takes years for anything to come.

Two Weeks Later

I still am not convinced sometimes that Bailey is really mine. Mine to keep. To hold all that I want. She is so sweet. I wish I had more energy and didn't feel so disconnected from everything right now, but even when she's napping and I haven't held her for a few hours, I can't wait for her to wake up so that I can hold her again.

She is so responsive too! I can't wait to hear the things she'll say and watch the things she'll do, even though I'll miss her being a baby. She likes to be in the swing and she likes to be outside when it's not too bright for her to keep her eyes open. Naturally, she also loves to be up all night, despite my body language.

Today we had Bailey's first follow-up with her pediatrician and everything the doctor told me made me feel so proud. About what a good eater Bailey is and how healthy she seems to be growing, what good coloring her skin has and how alert she is. I can't take credit for these things, but it makes me feel proud.

Caiden clearly can't wait for her to grow up a little more. He is especially anxious to help feed her I think because he's persistent about asking why can't she use a sippy-cup yet and when can she? A few days in a row I explained that she doesn't have teeth yet, can only drink milk, my milk has all of her nutrients, etc. and that she can only suck. After a few days of that he came back with--"but can she drink milk out of a sippy-cup?" Yes, he's very persistent.

A Poem

I don't consider myself a big fan of poetry. The truth is I don't really know much poetry at all, but I get turned off by stuff that seems too sappy or too sugar-coated. Every once in a while I come across something that strikes me as truly honest, or raw in its approach. This one suits me perfectly right now.

New Mother
By Sharon Olds


A week after our child was born,
you cornered me in the spare room
and we sank down on the bed.
You kissed me and kissed me, my milk undid its
burning slip-knot through my nipples,
soaking my shirt. All week I had smelled of milk,
fresh milk, sour. I began to throb:
my sex had been torn easily as cloth by the
crown of her head, I'd been cut with a knife and
sewn, the stitches pulling at my skin--
and the first time you're broken, you don't know
you'll be healed again, better than before.
I lay in fear and blood and milk
while you kissed and kissed me, your lips hot and swollen
as a teen-age boy's, your sex dry and big,
all of you so tender, you hung over me,
over the nest of the stitches, over the
splitting and tearing, with the patience of someone who
finds a wounded animal in the woods
and stays with it, not leaving its side
until it is whole, until it can run again.

An Evil Walk

I was beginning to feel a bit like Boo Radley and decided Bailey and I would go for our first walk. We've been out every evening for Caiden's football practice and she really seems to enjoy it, but this time I wanted a little exercise. I really can't think of the last time it's been 7 whole days between some kind of exercise. On vacation I bring my jumprope or go running. I worked out the morning of my wedding and was last at the gym two days before Bailey was born. My guess would be that it has been about 8 or so years since I took a 7 day workout hiatus. Yes, I'm an addict.

I made Caiden come on the walk with us, and since he's not keen on sweating, and can be fairly over-dramatic, I thought all of his comments were laughable.

"Are you trying to hike across the whole valley?"
"Do you even know the way home?"
"I'm getting dehydrated."
"I need to turn around."
"Are you even sweating?"

When Caiden's friends came over to play later, he told them he'd been on a walk for "...like an hour and forty minutes."

I do feel kind of bad because it had to have been pretty boring for him, and it was hot, and we did sweat, and it was about 45 minutes. Still, I try to avoid being an evil stepmom. He wore his Heely's and glided a lot of the way so hopefully it wasn't complete torture for him.

Becoming Bailey's Mom

Bailey came on Tuesday morning. Just like her mom, she has to do things her own way, in her own time. And she likes to do things the hard way, she would never think of hitching a ride to the top and hiking down for fear of missing something on the way up. So she took her time.

She wanted to scrap all of the prepared methods: the playlist with Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work," the script for Daddy to read me about exploring Osaka on my own. She wanted to start in the middle of the night. She wanted her daddy to be a complete part of it too and I will never forget how wonderful it was to have him there for me.

Thank you Tyler for helping me prepare for this. Thank you for letting me collapse into your arms after each contraction and for stroking my hair. For wrapping me up in the middle of the night to walk me out to our hot tub and whispering encouragement in your every breath. For getting me to the hospital with all of my things and being my every support there still. Thank you for speaking for me, for knowing what I wanted. Thank you for practicing with me so that even though we didn't use everything we planned, I was able still to totally relax between contractions and have the birth I wanted for my baby.

I love being Bailey's mom. She is so beautiful and everyday is more beautiful than the last. I look forward to every future moment with her while I treasure each one I have now.

Half Court

This morning the HB and I are watching the Olympics basketball games. Maybe our baby girl will learn something in utero. She does plenty of athletics herself, usually around midnight. During a quick break they were showing how popular NBA stars are among the youth in China and I was reminded of playing basketball in Japan.

When I lived there I went to church at an LDS "branch" some 40 minutes from where I was living. The meetings were held in a rented building downtown where one floor became our church on Sundays. Occasionally, the church members would have a social get-together to play sports and socialize outside of church meetings. It was a very small group, and an even smaller group among us that would play sports when we did get together. There would be a handful of Japanese and then a few English teachers and a couple of missionaries. Apparently, Mormon missionaries have a rule that says they cannot play basketball full-court but can only play half-court games while on their missions. The LDS Branch President was very fond of basketball and would get very excited about these games. He didn't speak much English, but he would get a grand idea and say loudly, "okay okay, let's play, the Americans, versus the Japanese!" very dramatically as if that would make the game very very intense. The missionaries would always respond okay, but they can only play half-court. Finally the Branch President, tired of trying to fight the rules, suggested this: "You say half court like one half, two half" indicating a bisection in the court as it would normally be played. "But I say half court is one half, two half" and he demonstrated with his hands how "half-court" could mean playing only the middle portion of the entire length of court.

The missionaries were very faithful to their rules and we ended up playing the traditional half-court, but we laughed about the suggestion for weeks and how happy the idea of surreptitiously playing full court had made our Branch President.

Besides the Pink

Amidst baby shower, work party, birthing classes, and baby room preparing, you'd think my life is all awash in pink. I just want to tell my boys how much I love them though and how studly they are. Tyler's been working hard on basement repairs. The goal is to get Caiden off the couch and back into a room downstairs and then finish the rest up when the baby comes. Here's the HB post-insulation-installation into the walls downstairs.

Then Caiden started football on Saturday and last night was the first practice in full pads. He's been wearing the shoulder pads around the house for a week ever since we picked them up, but here he is in full practice gear (minus the helmet of course).

I love you guys!

Not so "Yummie"

Recently I read 2 articles that really got me thinking. One was about Yummies--that is Young, Urban, Mormons. The other was about black women's marriage rates rapid decline. The marriage article talked about how black women far outnumber black men who have gone to college. It talked about how their marriage partner choices were more limited because men in their demographic didn't meet their standards and though many of them wanted to be married, they are beginning to believe that marriage is only for white people.

I can't help but relate to how this is happening to Mormon women everywhere and that I believe there is a growing chasm between young women in the religion and other members. It seems that more and more young women in the future will be looking for relationships outside of it due to a lack of place for them within. I'm not talking just about marriage prospects or saying any of these women are clamoring for certain authority within the religion, I just don't think they have people to relate to or men their equals to partner with. (Please insert all disclaimers you can possibly imagine here--i.e. fulfilling marriages don't have to be between totally equal partners or matching demographics, etc. etc.--I recognize and value differences).

I was going off on this idea because I consider myself quite modern and extremely independent and because I see a need for change. However, it was when I shut my mouth and looked at my husband that I realized how ridiculous it must all seem when I'm sitting with him at the table, 9 months pregnant, barefoot, with salsa spattered all over my shirt. I am not Young, Urban, Mormon. I am a defender of individuality and independence, but in truth, I am traditional--I want to stay home with my children, I expect my husband to be a leader and role model for my family. But overall, I hope that together we can encourage our children to think for themselves and expect of themselves what they expect of others to have fulfilling and rewarding relationships.

Ode to "the Main"

Having recently moved from downtown Salt Lake City, I rode my bike to my new local library--a county branch. What followed were the most depressing moments of my weekend. The place was a crap-hole, tiny, and I imagined all of the guests there were pedophiles. I couldn't imagine finding a book I wanted to check out there because the selection seemed so small and I feared the books were all crap that I didn't want to read. The librarian reassured me that if they didn't have what I wanted they could certainly get it from another branch. But who goes to the library to only have to go home empty-handed and return on another date? I did however leave empty handed and promptly ordered a new read from Amazon. For now I'm going to keep up a visit to the downtown branch because the atmosphere there is so much more stimulating. Perhaps the library quality in the suburbs is why people don't read as much anymore? I certainly can't afford to buy all of my reading material on Amazon when I go through 3-4 books a month!

So here is a photo tribute to the "Main" library downtown in the city network of libraries. It's where I studied all during my graduate work because there my mind felt more free than in the campus library of plain walls, box rooms, and no windows. It's where I attended arts fests, lectures, went on walks, brought out-of-town visitors to see, browsed books, wrote papers, etc. Sometimes the HB would stop by and say hi to me when we were dating and I had lots of homework to work on. I love walking up the outside stairs and visiting the roof-top gardens. I also love the little children's play areas in the downstairs.

Paternity Envy

Yes I have paternity envy. Not what you'd think it to be exactly, not totally envious that he doesn't have to have swollen feet and difficulty breathing, but envy over his paternity leave. Why is it that I don't get 1 single paid day of leave while my husband gets 12 weeks paid leave? It's because they're giving him a week for every year he's been with the company and he's been there 10. Then, they're giving him 2 additional weeks if he agrees to come in a few times a week and make sure things are going smoothly since he is the only person in his position at work and the place can't quite run without him. As for my own lack of leave, I can only blame myself for switching jobs so often, but I can't help feeling there is something wrong with this picture.

Of course I'm excited for myself to quit working for a while--a few months off is what we've saved up for because I can't bear the thought of leaving my infant in day care so I can go to work. But somehow the HB's 3 month paternity leave still makes me jealous even though it's great for him. The truth is, I want him around to help and to be with me and hopefully we can find time to do some fun things together too during that leave. But with the notion of me not having to head out before him each morning (as it has been for the past 3 years), packing my gym bag the night before, I was imagining many mornings of him getting ready and me dragging him back to bed for some action, some slight protesting from him and then giving in fully to my desires. Of course this can happen while he's on his leave, but not in the same way I'd imagined. So now I just have to adjust the fantasy a bit.

Venetian Blinds Tee

This t-shirt actually has a string you can pull on for ventilation. Why don't they make it in maternity???

Othello Relaxation

In preparation for labor, I've been listening to a CD my sister-in-law lent me on hypnobirthing. There's a track called "Rainbow Relaxation" that's an exercise in visualization. The woman's voice talks you through each color of the rainbow so you can imagine yourself being wrapped in each color, floating on it, making love to it, whatever. I kind of like it, but it's almost too fluffy for me, like the idea of a heaven that's all clouds and angels, it sounds boring. Does relaxing have to be boring?


So I'm still listening to it, but in my mind I'm going through a theatrical adaptation I once saw of Othello. In high school I attended a drama convention where we got to see a series of plays or short plays done by the other high schools, one of which was this 20-minute adaptation of Othello. They didn't use the Shakespeare script, only the plot, and there was no speaking at all. They didn't really dance, but the entire thing was set to music and props were minimal. They had a black backdrop and in front of it on the floor several paint cans opened, each with a brush on top. Each color of paint represented a different character in the play--White was for Desdemona, Red for Othello, Green for Iago, and so forth. Each character also had a corresponding colored handkerchief they kept in their hands while on stage.

What made this adaptation beautiful was the solemnity of each stroke painted on the plain black backdrop. First we saw Desdemona paint half of a heart with the white, then Othello paint the complementary half in red. Then Iago comes onto the stage and paints a huge green streak right through the heart. And the play proceeds until at the end the backdrop is a mess of brightly painted lines, looking chaotic as paths were intersected, loyalties betrayed, and murders committed. And somehow, the whole thing is beautifully relaxing to me.

Touch Me I'm Going to Scream Pt. 2

My new favorite song, performed by My Morning Jacket on Conan

The Grace I want to Have

I recently finished another Ondaatje book, this one called "Divisadero." It was excellent. I was particularly touched by a certain passage about a parent's perspective. The father accidentally catches a glimpse of his daughter in the garden shower with someone other than her husband.


Cursed with omnipotence, he had seen the blunt truth of their romance. The girl he had carried in his arms during a childhood nightmare now had the needs of an adult.....There were nights when Lucien startled himself awake at his daughter’s wildness. How had she, the one daughter he had known as obedient and well mannered evolved into such a person? Was it simply that Pierre was the man she demanded above every other principle? There was this live coal of desire on her tongue that had altered her, so that she could no longer be sheltered by the husk of a family. And he realized he loved even more this proud indelible daughter, his Flammarion companion, who had leapt beyond him into the life of this dangerous stranger, a man he was unable to like except through the knowledge that Lucette had placed herself in the cup of his hand, just as she had bent over and moved back into his body, defenceless with pleasure in the garden shower.


I thought it was beautiful how the father was able to let go of any need to control his daughter and instead marvel at the woman she had become independent of him. There are a lot of things I want to emulate as a parent and a lot of ideals I have about the relationship I want with my children, but the one I want most is for them to feel loved rather than feel that rigid adherence to certain codes are more important than showing love. And I hope that I can admire their evolution into themselves as much as it might be different than I'd hoped it to be.

Celebrity Dreams

I hear celebrity dreams are common though I've never really had them before. Here are two I had this week.

Weezer playing dream

I dreamt that Ty and I were playing in concert with Weezer the pork and beans song. We were sitting in the stands, waiting for Weezer to take the stage and I was really nervous. I was going to play the guitar. Finally our moment came and we went up and played that song, and like half of another one, then they did one more song, but we just stood backstage, and it was all just the recorded version being played while some animated thing showed on the screen. Then we were done and we went back to our seats and I was saying that I thought we would have played longer, but what cuold I expect when he let us nobodies play with them? And then another band came on.


Christian Bale dream

I was on a crowded open boat deck, like a ferry, but the deck was all old and wooden looking. Tyler was with me and suddenly in the crowd I saw Christian Bale. He was brushing past us and I said "Hey! Christian!" he turned and looked at me, but as I started to walk towards him, he turned the other way, dismissing me as a fan looking for an autograph. But I quickly said, "I just want to ask you something," and he came right back--it was true, I just wanted to ask him something. He came right up to me and I turned and looked at Tyler, then back to Christian and said to him "I'm sorry to bother you, I was just trying to think of the name of that movie that you were in that was kind of a science movie? I think you transported something to a different time? Or I think you transported something to a different dimension, do you know which one I'm talking about? I just couldn't think of the name and then I saw you...." It was driving me nuts that I couldn't think of what movie it was. He kind of looked at me and then got that crooked smile and said "Yeah, I know which one you're talking about...but I can't think of the name of it either!" And then he kind of leaned in and kissed my cheek, like a greeting kiss, so I kissed his and he walked away. It wasn't romantic, it just seemed ordinary. Then a huge storm came in and Tyler and I went to find a safe place to kind of stand on the deck.

For the record, I have no idea what movie that is I was thinking of and I'm not in love with Rivers Cuomo or Christian Bale, though the HB might not object if I was in love with Rivers.

Oil paintings and Watercolors

The HB and I went for a little hike recently to a place called "the living room." It was a fairly short hike behind the U of U campus right above the Salt Lake Valley where people have made a "living room" out of stones overlooking the valley. There were a number of chairs, some benches, and some ottomans as well.

It was a bit overcast which killed the possibility of evening out my tan, but made for perfect hiking conditions. As we got up above the valley and were able to look down on it I remarked that what was all around us was like an oil painting because the clouds made the colors so rich and that out over the valley was more like a watercolor because it was washed out and a little hazy as we looked west. I much prefer oil paintings to watercolors, though sometimes I love the subtlety and fluidity of watercolors, like some of Vettriano's work.

My preference for the oil paintings is how I see my life overall--I like vivid, raw, honest experiences, nothing measured, nothing held back. When I was in Israel and spent a lot of time studying the Bible I found I had a clear favoritism for the Old Testament for the same reasons. The Old Testament is far more colorful and vibrant than the New Testament, just as the city of Jerusalem is surrounded by much more passion than the city of Nazareth in the Galilee area to the north. I loved the 2 weeks I spent on the Sea of Galilee, they were peaceful, beautiful, relaxing and enlightening, but the dirty Old City of Jerusalem, practically pungent with blood, spices, sweat, smoke, etc. made me feel much more alive.

I get frustrated with life when I feel I'm living a less than passionate life. When the monotony of work and everything takes over and nothing gets me worked up, inspired, or fulfills me. I feel guilty saying that because I actually get out a ton, and I constantly push for more and more experiences. I'm just glad that some very patient people love me.

Inaugural Barbecue

One week after moving into our new home we hosted our inaugural barbecue. I was excited to have my entire family be together for a weekend to celebrate the little (much taller than me) bro's high school graduation. Tyler was excited to make his famous ribs for us and show off our big back yard--we love it despite my thinking that it's blasphemous to have so much lawn in the middle of a desert. Brian and his family picked up a slip-n-slide for us to play on while it was hot out and I tried not to look too much like a seal while I tried it out.

Even good times kind of stress me out a little too though because I kept wishing I could just sit and catch up with each of my brothers, but it seemed that every few moments something had to be taken care of. Most likely this is just in my head though and I loved that I was able to indulge myself in some talk about my growing belly and some honesty about growing up.

We wrapped up the party with a little Rockband, nothing could seem more appropriate than that.

Friday I'm in Love

Last night the HB and I saw The Cure in concert. I won tickets last fall on the radio. I wasn't feeling so hot most of the afternoon and I laid down for a bit when I got home from work. I'm used to going to shows at smaller venues, with smaller crowds, and figured there was no way they'd take the stage before 9 pm even though the show was scheduled to start at 7:30. We showed up about 8 and checked out the overpriced merch and then headed in. The Cure started playing right around 8:30 and played until 11:30! I couldn't believe they played that long but it was awesome to hear tons of my favorites, not just a few. And though I have no idea how much my brothers still listen to the Cure, hearing some of the older Cure hits took me back to when they still lived at home, and it seemed appropriate that just a few days ago I'd gotten the chance to hang out with them and reminisce a little about growing up.

This whole past week has been pretty exhausting though, even though I was having a great time, and I was totally worn out last night after the show. I went to bed around 1:30 and had three crazy dreams I remember before getting up around 11.

Dream 1 was about a camping trip with April and Bill's family. My family and theirs was following each other in the car as we climbed a mountain of slickrock that the road wound around. We pulled over for Tyler and Bill to look at something and as April and I stood outside the cars we noticed a rhinoceros on the slickrocks just above us. We were scared but all of the sudden it fell onto the road right by us and was somewhat debilitated. April and I then pushed it off of the road together onto the slickrock below us.

All I remember of Dream 2 was that my family sent me to check on a tiger that we had trapped in a pit and when I got to the edge I just kept thinking I would jump into the pit so that I could die.

Dream 3 was about my entire immediate family staying at a cabin-type place near a really clean, warm river. Brian was in the water with his girls as they rode tubes along a bend the river made. April came inside and I heard her tell someone that we hadn't been getting along well lately. That seemed really weird to me because we've always been really close and I felt really hurt when I heard her say that. Then she came into the same room as me and we were both changing and I asked her about it and she said that it was true and seemed really mad at me. I started crying. Then I remember offering to take Bowen with me and Caiden to Disneyland for a few rides. I guess we were closeby and I was telling April the night pass was only 5 dollars so it was worth it to just go and let them do a few rides. After that I don't know what happened. It seemed we weren't upset anymore.

Survival of the Stubbornest

Despite being temporarily homeless the previous week, the HB and I wanted to follow through with our plans to go to Canyonlands the first weekend in May. It was a perfect plan because it wouldn't be too hot or crowded, and my belly wouldn't be too big then.

Ever since reading "the monkey wrench gang" years ago I'd wanted to visit the Needles and Maze districts of Canyonlands where Hayduke hides out at the end. And already being an aficionado for the Utah desert, I needed to go there. But also, last year, my co-worker Joe told me about a place called Paul Bunyan's Potty where they were several Indian ruins to explore and that was fairly off of the beaten path.

So moving all the things from our "extended stay hotel" into our cars we headed out of town, signing the closing papers for our new house on the way down. I won't do a full trip report because the HB is really much better at that, but just had to point out a few things about our trip.

First of all, the "potty" arch was very cool, but I emphasized to the kids (Caiden and his cousins) how cool it was to see the ruins that we did and told them everything I could about the Anasazi. The corn cobs and pottery pieces we saw could have easily been 1500 years old.

I got a little sunburnt that first day on my thighs--they haven't seen much sun yet--and so when we got back I went for my aloe vera. I opened the pocket in my bag where I could find that to see a clear gooey mess, so I did my best to scoop it out and coat my legs when I realized they were lathering up with my shampoo instead! It was my clear shampoo that had exploded everywhere. At least my legs were clean after that.

The next morning we all re-used our plastic spoons for breakfast (the quantity was limited due to packing in great haste). It reminded me of when April, Bill, Tyler, and I all shared a plastic fork with a prong broken off to eat our dinners on Mt. Timpanogos.

We psyched the kids up for another 11 mile-day and I had to strongly resist the urge to tell them how badass they were for the day before, but I didn't want to be responsible for teaching them to cuss. The entire trail was stunningly beautiful as was Druid Arch when we reached it. The kids were beat but they still played all over the "hamburger" rocks at our campsite when we got back.

On our way out we hit up Newspaper Rock which was totally awesome and then spent a night relaxing in Moab and enjoying the great pub food. The next day we were back in town, a little worn out, but happy to throw our mattresses and things in our new house.

Spitting in the Same Sink

Today marks 3 years of marriage with the HB.

Here are a few of the things we've survived / put up with / enjoyed:

*camping and hiking trips
*football seasons
*concerts
*bike rides
*tears
*illness
*home improvements
*job changes
*sundance film festivals
*way too many family get-togethers and ex-encounters
*night school
*teaching primary
*being a step-family
*movie-making
*and just today, being picked up on at the Arby's drive-thru!

A few of these would probably explain why we don't look as good now, but I'm glad to be married to Tyler and I look forward to what's ahead for us.

I love you too Tyler!

Lime green

Call me pregnant, but today everything lime green looked good to me. I went to Home Depot at lunch to pick up some paint color tabs for our front room which is currently an ugly cross between clover and teal and old hospital green. I picked up several colors thinking not only of the front room, but of every room we might possibly re-paint in the house. One of the colors I picked up was various shades of bright, lime green, something I wouldn't normally imagine putting in a house, but that just looked incredible. Then I promptly stopped by 7-11 for a slurpee (which I haven't bought in years) because something icy sounded amazing and I of course picked the one that was bright lime green. Not only that, but I bought one of those sugar-coated sour cherry licorice straws to go with my lemon-lime slurpee. Mmmmmm. Is it just because I feel so good or is it all those mommy hormones?

Saturn hair

During my Saturn return, I've had numerous crises regarding the state of my life. The only real way of dealing with them has been to change my hair color. Call me materialistic, but changing my hair seems to be the only thing I have control over at this point in my life. So after the last few times feeling unsatisfied by merely changing the "streak" in my hair, I decided to go for an overhaul. It's not that I didn't like my hair, just needed something new.

The HB had never seen me as a blonde and after commenting that he really like this photo of me in Japan, I decided that I'd go for it. As every woman whose every tried to go from dark to light can testify, it's a crap-shoot. I think I stuck it out pretty well, but it turns out I didn't like it much, and at first I couldn't tell if I didn't like the color or if I just didn't like the stage of growing it out and growing my bangs out as well. I felt like the wife in Hemingway's "Garden of Eden" who keeps lightening her hair because she's at the beach all the time and liked how it looked almost translucent when wet--I really only liked mine wet because dry looked fried.

So last night I went back to black, and am happy to be that way. It suits me better now and I didn't have to adjust to like it, I just liked it right away. Pictures are pending due to the lack of an internet connection at our new home.